HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Seriously. Can I marry him please?

Here's our lord and master of the basketball court picking up another award. I dont know which one because it's too hard to keep track. Look how smooove he looks in that suit. Damn boy. WORK IT! I need a glass of WHA-TAH!

Want to fall in love a little more? Read this. And this.

That is why he's hott.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

On the same note, if you've ever wondered what kind of parent I'll be

I'll a mom like this one who prods her young daughter to say inappropriate things, laughs, and then half-heartedly tells her it was wrong

If you've ever wondered what I do every day on my way to work

This is preeeeeetty much it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Last nite I was did dinner and a movie with my favorite DC movie critic. He did the ol bait and switch, saying we were going to see "Blades of Glory" and then something came up and we had to see "The Lookout" instead. If you don't know what "The Lookout" is, it's cool, you shouldn't see it anyway.

So, while I was waiting for my dinner to be paid for and brought to me, a lady and her baby sat down at the table next to me. She put the baby down, and then put down on the table about 30 packets of condiments. The baby of course immediately started picking them up and putting them in her mouth. And for some God knows reason I found myself thinking "wouldnt it be great if you could live 100% off ketchup?" We'd all be pretty skinny. It would be kinda cool. You would never have to think about what you wanted to have for lunch. It'd be tight.

But alas we cannot live off ketchup alone. I'd actually really prefer to live only off mayonaise, but then we'd be a world of fat people. Deliciously satisfied fat people though.

Later on my way home I glanced over and noticed that there were two lesbians deboarding the metro beside me. I knew they were lesbians by their hockey jerseys and haircuts. I wonder...do lesbians go to the hair salon and say "give me a lesbian cut." They must.

My scooter is still tastee. Thanks to my new friends at www.modernbuddy.com I'm learning new and interesting things all day. It's like I've joined a new family!! People keep asking me what I look like on it, and I'd say I look like this except a female.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Oh my God you guys!!


I went and picked it up this evening. Thankfully the Bear and Yatesie went with me and then guided me home in case I had any driving troubles. I did not. It's super easy to drive, and did I mention that it's cute? And that I look cute on it? I mean as cute as one can look in a giant white helmet on your tiny noggin. Once I got home I parked it for a few minutes and then took it out again. I could see people checking me out...probably because it's so cute.

So anyways, this is my first real grown up purchase. I mean Ive bought two laptops since graduating college, but this...THIS is machinery!! Dude...I get upwards of 35 mph on that baby. Booya suckas!!

They're showing the last three episodes of Six Feet Under on Bravo tonite. The first time I saw the episode right after Nate dies I cried through the whole thing. Literally I cried for the entire hour. And then like an hour later I got my "monthly bill" which helped it make sense because I didnt really care too much for Nate. The series finale of this show is probably one of the greatest hours of TV ever written and produced. Brilliant. I highly recommend it.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

It's Mine

Friday, March 23, 2007

Pooorrrrrr Houston

HAHAHAHA...The Texans cut David Carr!!! Bet you wish you could go back a year and take Vince afterall. Bet you wish you hadn't said that David "Pretty face, Bad hair" Carr was the quarterback of the forseeable future in Houston. Bet you wish you had your balls back!


Lots of parties and hopefully scooter buying this weekend! Oh dear, it's gonna be trouble...

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Pooooorrrr Aggies

OMG how totally prophetic was it that A&M lost partly because Acie Law IV missed a wide open lay up with less than a minute left!? OMG SO AWESOME RIIIIIIGHT!!!

The Bear and I just got back from watching the early games, and we discussed the politics of being a Texas fan and cheering for the Aggies. I personally can't stomach it. The Bear is from College Station and has "numerous" ties there. So fine. I dont personally believe that Longhorns who cheer for the gaggies are unloyal or unpure fans. I think you can be a diehard fan and still wish the Aggies well when their success does not impede on the success of Texas. I'm also not the type of fan that's going say after a loss to the Gaggies (or really anyone) "they played a good game and I wish them well." I'm not that classy.

What I will not stand for is a Texas fan who will root for OU. That's just wrong. That's like rooting for you mom to kill your dad. You just don't do it. I dont buy the "Cheer for the Big 12" mentality...not when it comes to the Sooners. They f-ing suck at existing.

Anyways, I found this via Deadspin yesterday, and it is frigging hilarious. My favorite (of course):

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

KD pros and cons

This came to me today from Adolpho. It's not 100% accurate because it does not list "sweet sweet love from Steez" in the pro column...

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

That Moth Is Crazy

I think I'm finally almost over the loss. Almost.

Oh who are we kidding...I'll never get over it. I could handle losing but not to the school of hardknocks USC. Though I guess I'd rather be USC than the gaggies. But still.

Anyways, the boys at BON are doing a "what you would you do if Durant returned for another year" poll. I've been thinking all day, and I got nothing. At least nothing that doesnt involve sexual favors (just kidding not really).

In the non-sports world, my former employer is getting raked through the coals right now. Like crazy. The Washington Post is basically going to keep writing about the whole affair until they have succeeded in getting Sec. Small to resign. And I would venture a guess that he will soon. Anyways, boring for others, shocking to others.

All for now. I need a good whack to my funny bone.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Talk to me right now...

and I will (clap) fuck (point) YOU UP!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Try again ESPN.com

In an article on Texas A&M Corpus Christi's trip to the NCAA tourney, they describe it as "the biggest thing that has ever happened to the city."

Ever heard of a little something called the Selena/Yolanda Saldivar Days Inn stand-off/murder!? Will Texas A&M CC's trip to the tourney inspire a hit movie starring Jennifer Lopez? DOUBT IT!

I don't mean to beat a dead horse BUT WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO BE AT WORK FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES. Pure torture.


This morning on Sportscenter they asked "Can you have an NCAA tournament without Duke?"

Um, yes. Yes you can.

I picked a VCU upset, so I'm even more ecstatic. By happenstance, there was a large contingent of VCU fans at Rhodeside Grill last nite, so I was able to get the answers to "where the heck is VCU" (Richmond) and "I don't even know what their mascot is" (Rams). Sad since, you know, I LIVE in Virginia. But whatevs. I'm embarassed to admit this, but I used to (way back in 6th/7th grade) be a Duke fan. I had Duke basketball and Duke tshirts that I adored. But that was because (even in my innocent youth) I liked winners. Duke was an obvious choice since they had won back-to-back championships. It wasn't until the wiseness of 10th grade settled in that I realized that Dookies weren't just BLUE Devils, they were Lucifer incarnate. And after seeing us get annihilated twice by Duke in NYC in person, I hate them all the more. JJ Redick is on my list, along with Adrian Peterson, Reggie Bush and your mom.

Just kidding...your mom is so sweet.

There was the most adorable article about KD on the front page of the Post yesterday (HOMETOWN BOI!!!). My favorite part is that since he's only had time to get one tatoo: his mom's name over his heart. I think his mom is so adorable I might just get it tatooed over my heart as well.

Hoping for a stomping tonite. And I agree with Kirk Bohls that we need some secondary players to have really strong tourneys (Craig Winder perhaps) so the heat will be off of KD a little bit. Go horns!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Tourney time baby. Tourney time.

Last call to join pick 'em:

Group ID: 47984
Password: hookemhorns

I'm saddened by the punyness of this group. But it's not because I don't have friends. I have like SOOOOOO many friends. Don't worry about me.

I did some studying up tonite so I could fill out my bracket educatedly. Every year I find myself digging around ESPN and SI trying to find the "THESE ARE THE TEAMS YOU SHOULD PICK" article. I never find it and it annoys me. But basically, if you want a peak in my bracket I have Texas going all the way. I feel wrong doing anything else. Plus...you don't pick against Vince Young, and you don't pick against Kevin Durant. Wiser words have never been spoken.

I feel like I'm coming down with another cold...........

How have I not...

...mentioned my current obsession with purchasing a scooter? I mean for chrissakes, it's all I've been talking about since I got back from Seattle, and yet I dont see a single post about it. WTF STEEZ!? GET A GRIP!

SO I decided while I was in Seattle that I needed to buy a moped. I've been without a mode of transportation that doesn't involve my feet, a train, a fare or FTP for almost four years. Four years of not paying for gas/insurance/car payments. Literally thousands of dollars I've saved. Probably more then $15,000 I'd suspect. What the hell happened to that money? Oh wait, I think I know, and I think it tastes great and is less filling.

Back on track...though I've been really thinking about buying a car for a while, I recognized that doing so would require a major lifestyle change (and I'm not giving up drinking or DVR...that's for dang sure). Unfortunately the new job didn't really come with a raise in salary (though I'm putting that extra $35 to good use...yes ma'am I am). I had finally given up on buying something until I arrived on the coast to the left to the left. I don't know exactly how the discussion came up, but it was like a light bulb went off..."Duh Steez. You should buy a scooter."

So I've spent the last two weeks studying up. I'm not getting a Vespa because that was made in Italy, and the Italians are only good with carbs. Because I will primarily use it for errand running and driving home drunk from the bars, I don't need something that is the moped equivalent of a minivan. I just need something cute. These are my final candidates:

This is the Buddy. It comes in orange and pink and it is very obviously my favorite. I look at it and my eyes well up with tears.

This is the Honda Metropolitan. It is also adorable, and was made by the Japanese who know how to makes cars. And toys. And raw fish.

And this is the JM Star. It is not that cute, but it's for sale (for the right price) on craigslist right now, and it may be the winner. The only problem is that it might be mildly embarassing to show up at this guys house to "test drive it" and have to admit that I have never actually been on one before. Hmmm....

I'll keep you posted.


Monday, March 12, 2007

Ah dang

Byebye Jody.

I love this picture because it has my two favorite Texas Women: Jody C and Ann Richards.

I know it was time for her to go, but it's still quite a sad day for Texas. I still harbored hope that Pat Summit would be rendered deaf and mute, and that Jody would pass her for all-time winningest coach. (Aside: Pat was on the board of NMAH, and I saw her in the halls a few times...bitch scares me). I can't even be sarcastic about it. That's saying something.

On a less depressing note (though really that depends on your perspective): Tonite I went to the gym. I locked up my stuff, went to the bathroom, hung up my jacket, and hopped on the elliptical with my Entertainment Weekly (I know I've had a busy weekend if it's Monday and I still haven't read my EW...it's like a crack addict going through withdrawl). I've been on for about 5 minutes when suddenly I realize that I have no f-ing clue where the key to my lock is. It's not in my pocket, or the cup holder. I have no visual memory of what I did after I pulled it out of the lock. I finished up my 35 minutes and checked all the bathroom stalls, checked the floor, checked my coat pocket...everywhere. Figuring I the logistics wouldnt change drastically, I finished the last half of my workout before checking with the front desk to see if someone had turned the key in. They hadn't. Instead I was handed a pair of pliers (or whatever they were) that weighed about five pounds and were about a 1.5 ft long.

Now I consider myself to be an above average cutie...I mean, at least like a 6 or 7 out of 10, though granted some of those points come from my sparkling personality and killer stomach. But for chrissake there is nothing less awesome then walking through the gym carrying ginormous pliers because you were too stupid to remmember where you put your g-d locker key. Seriously...a low point of my life.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Well that sucked

Up by more than 20 in the first half, only to lose by less than 5 in overtime. ANNOYING. I don't think winning would have put us at a 3 seed which I suppooooose is what really matters, but it still hurts to lose. Hurts very deeply.

We're looking at an every-day-could-be-your-last scenario with Mr. Kevin Durant. THey talked to his mom during the first half, and when they were done I said outloud to the no one else I was watching the game with "Well she was a delightful woman." During the OSU game she was sitting next to Danny Ainge, and she said she didnt know who he was until she saw it on Sportscenter. Whether I believe that or not doesn't matter...it's still adorable. I might just look Miss. Pratt up and give her a call to tell her how happy I could make her son as a wife...Don't think I won't.

Actually, last fall I was flying back to Austin for the Tech game, and the guy boarding the plane behind me was on the phone talking about his son Kevin's basketball game...and then mentioned that he was oging to Austin to see Coach Barnes. I was like "HELLO KEVIN DURANT'S FATHER." I didn't say anything right then because I didnt want it to be obvious that I had been eavesdropping, but I crossed my fingers the stars would align on that Southwest flight and that I'd be sitting right next to him.

I was not. Opportunity ruined. I regret it to this day. In fact I probably wont sleep tonite because of it.

So I havent done any bracket studying yet. I usually fill out two brackets. One that I just go through and fill it out using my gut, and one that I fill out after reading what everyone else said was the right pick. I actually usually do better when I don't go with my gut, which I think should be a guide for how I live my life. Roomie and I have said on numerous ocassions that we need to drink from the George Costanza well of knowledge, in regards mostly to the opposite sex: take whatever your instinct is and do the opposite. So I guess if my gut is telling me that a guy is a tool, I should hook up with him!! Woo! 2007 is gonna be a slutty year!! (JK MOM!)

I'm debating whether or not to "get sick" on Thurs/Friday. I HATE being at work with the Madness going on. It's the most unproductive two days of the year for the American workplace. I personally would rather have one/both of these days off then have Veterans Day off...I mean SCREW THE VETS! I WANNA WATCH BBALL!! And can't we celebrate our nation's war heros by watching som g-d college hoops!? Can I get a wha-what?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Spam Subject of the Week

Walrus Gynecologist.

You can't make this sh*t up. You just can't. Reminds me of Anchorman: "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means 'a whale's vagina.' "

Thursday, March 08, 2007

What's better then being in picture with Vince?

Being in a picture with Vince twice.

This was taken after the A&M game during Vince's redshirt year. We were buddies with him because he lived on the same floor as one of my RA friends, and because my friends were big groupies and stalked various players. Not me. I never did that. Not once.* Coincidentally, it is in fact that very same RA friend who I have blocked out in this picture.

Thinking back to Vince's redshirt year is kind of like wondering what people did at work before the internet. We didn't know what we were missing and now we wonder how we'd ever get by without. Siiiiiigh.

*Okay, that's a lie. Some time when I have a chance I'm going to post the 1500 pictures I have of me and Ungar (and one of me and his parents, or as I referred to them, "the in-laws". Many people like to "claim" that they loved Ungar. But not only did I love him, he loved me right back. UNGARRRRRRR!!!

I wanna go hooooome

Finishing up my last 20 minutes of work, and it's torture. Despite that this will be my third four-day week in a row, I'm sooooo over this week already. I want the weekend to be here already so I can go test drive scooters. And so I can finally catch up on sleep. And so I don't have to listen to the annoying voice of the intern in the cubicle next to me. Seriously, this semester cannot end fast enough...and if she stays on longer than the Spring, someone will probably find a muzzle in their Easter basket.

My launch.com player/window was brought to me today by McDonalds. It says the following: "We'll add cream and sugar FOR YOU. Seriously. It's 'amazing.' "

Am I supposed to be thrilled that I dont get to regulate my cream/sugar amts? Has America really become THAT lazy that we can't even be bothered to doctor our own coffee? What about this is "amazing." Why is "amazing" in quotes? Why do I even care?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tourney Time

Bitches, join my March Madness yahoogroup.

Go to www.sports.yahoo.com, and click on "Fantasy"
Sign up for an existing group with this information:

Group #: 47984
Pass: hookemhorns

I swear to God, after coming in so close the last two years in both the tourney challenge AND college football pick 'em, if I don't win this year, someone will pay. NOBODY MAKES ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD. NOBODY.

More later haters.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Somtimes I really hate you America

How is it that I live in a country where Tim Allen is in the #1 movie at the box office, and Nicolas Cage is in the #3. SERIOUSLY. I now understand why American Idol is so popular...because you people are all idiots.

Yeah, that's right. I'm back from the coast to the left, to the left. Fun fun fun times had all around, and pictures are to come, but probably not for a couple weeks. Get on the edge of your seat.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I'm going to change the name of this blog

To HeisBeyonce. I swear to God, just when I think I can't love her any more, she puts out an awesome new song with Shakira, Shakira, and then an awesome new video for Upgrade U.

Who better to imitate Hova, then B? Seriously. Dead-on. And the parts where she's dancing with the dudes. GODDAMIT I LOVE THAT WOMAN!!!

Some of yo may be thinking...how is Steez posting when she was supposed ot be en route to Seattle? Three-and-a-half hour delay. So I got my boarding pass and came home and showered and attempted to sober up more. It's annoying that I have been up for four hours and it's 8 am.

Anyways, that's it for now. GO HORNS! BEAT THE HELL OUTTA KU!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Well that was a thrilla

Two overtimes. TWO OVERTIMES. I still have a hard time understanding how A&M got good at basketball. Someone explain that to me.

So anyhooies, though at times it seemed like we were trying to give them the game, we pulled out a biggun in Austin last nite. Can Rick Barnes seriously spend some time today and tomorrow practicing inbounds passes? For chrissakes, two lazy lobs in OT (one of which was stolen) almost gave me a heart attack. What did give me a heart attack was mothereffer Acie Law. I give props to his clutchness, but only minor props because he choose to spend his college years in College Station. Again, someone explain that to me.

Now all of sudden we could win the g-d Big 12!? When/How did that happen!? I feel like just a month ago I was whining because it was sad that we were wasting our one season with KD. And I know for sure I'm not the only one remembering what lil freshman Carmelo Anthony did as a freshman for Syracuse...especially since I was in New Orleans, on the fifth row, when he did it. I'll never cheer for that jerk.

Unfort, it looks doubtful that I'll be able to enjoy the game this Saturday, as I'll be in Seattle and the game starts at 9 freaking A.M. I have to say with absolute certainty that the best time zone in the country is the central time zone. Here on the East Coast, everything ends too late, and on the West Coast everything starts too damn early (i.e. a 5 p.m. kick-off for the Rose Bowl, just when you're liver's getting warmed up).

Anyways, enough of that. FTP last nite asked if I would write something about the whole PacMan Jones saga. I would be more amused by the whole thing if he didn't play for the Titans, and wasn't a huuuuuuge impact player on their team. With Vince on their side, the team will still be fine...but it's annoying. I do want to sincerely thank Mr. Jones for introducing the term "Make it Rain" into my vocabulary. At this point it may replace "oh snap" as my most oft used frase. IN FACT just yesterday I was stunned to hear a song of that very name come streaming through my online radio (which speaking of, I'm tired of launch.com...anyone have other streaming radio suggestions? And yes I've been told about the awesome wonderment of Pandora, but it doesn't 100% agree with me yet. Anyways, help a sister out if you can).

I'll see about posting updates from Seattle. I assume Daphers is in the 20th Century and has internet. Everyone cross their fingers that this is a cameras-restricted weekend.