HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007






Spam of the week

A piece of spam just arrived in my inbox with the subject "Jesus Deoderant."

I opened it because I wasn't totally sure whether they were selling deoderant that was endorsed/blessed by Jesus (because I can be a sweaty girl, and could use the divine intervention) or if maybe James Cameron and his band of merry thieves had discovered a stick of the deoderant Jesus allegedly used.

Turns out they were just trying to sell me Cialis. Like I don't already have enough of that...sheesh.

In all seriousness, I do like to reward creatively subjected spam. I mean, come on..."Jesus Deoderant?" Pure genius. Of COURSE I'm going to open that. I am not, however, going to open the next piece of spam in my inbox with the subject "hey qwykobrnwmkjphourktp." Sorry internet phishers...I will not be purchasing my performance enhancing drugs from you. Try a little harder next time and maybe we can talk.

In other news, there's a pretty big bball game tonite. And though I learned on Saturday that Rhodeside has $5 pitchers on Wednesdays, and that my boy Dre will be DJing, I'm going to do my darnedest to avoid imbibing and will watch at home (saving liver cells). Geez I hope we win. Not just because it would put us in position to win the Big 12, but more so because I can't stand the thought of being swept by A&M in the major sports. I don't want to know what that feels like. My skin crawls just thinking about it.

Tomorrow is the Exes big hoohaha for Texas Independence Day (which is really March 2...funny how when I was president of the chapter, March 2 always fell on a weeknight...) and I know I'll be 100 sheets to the wind by the end of that (TAKE THAT SALLY! I STILL USE THAT ANALOGY WRONG!). Friday I fly out of here at 6 a.m. bound for Seattle. What, pray tell, does one do on a two hour layover between 7:30-9:30 in Chicago? Yucky. Once I finally arrive in Seattle, it is my goal to act as outlandish and crazy there as Daphers did when she was here (meaning pick up a guy on the metro and bring him home, lose my cel phone on a park bench, and break not one but two glasses in a bar). My friends are such rockstars.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Step class

I was at the gym tonite, and the bike I was on faced the room where they hold classes. Big Gay Bill was in there teaching a step class. It was pretty amusing to watch. Personally, I've never taken a step class. I'm just not that coordinated. But I kind of dont think that I"m missing out on anything because all the people that I've ever seen take a step class are still fat. It doesn't seem to matter how much you skip and pump your arms and act like you are the best goddam stepper to ever step on a step...you're still fat.

Not that there's anything wrong with fat people...they just take up too much space (get it! cuz they're fat!)

So to review: I don't like orphans, children, child orphans, Nicolas Cage, fat people, Reggie Bush, and people who take step.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

More reasons why God hates me


58. More f-ing snow, which would be wonderful...if it were any day but Saturday or Sunday.

59. Seriously...Dreamgirls not winnging is bullshit.

Update: I swear to god, I think that Martin Scorsese just thanked Mack Brown. You know, everyone used to say Mack couldnt win the big one, but he won the big one before Marty. THink about it.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Lettuce is such CRAP. When I say that I don't want lettuce on a sandwich, the sandwich artists look at me like I just asked them to sprinkle cocaine on it. It doesn't matter if I tell the nice burrito makers at Chipotle that I want lettuce, they try to put it on anyway. Why is this America? What has the lettuce lobby done to our country that people think it's impossible to have a sandwich or a taco or a burrito without lettuce? Seriously, what does that shit add to what you're eating? NOTHING! If anything, when you take a bite into lettuce-filled sandwich ALL YOU TASTE IS WATERCREST.

The whole things makes me wanna shake a baby.

That's all.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Oh Vincey

God bless ya.


I have to say...I love internet explorer tabs. It makes it so easy to keep my personal email open on the sly alll day. And yes, in addition to still using yahoo mail, and not gmail, I also still use internet explorer. Save your lectures. I also still use a butter churn. It's how I keep my figure.

So, a while back I saw this really dumb commercial, which I wasn't sure was real or fake:

Apparently it was real, because this was on Deadspin today:

My favorite part is at guy at the 1:03 mark who reads the plaque and then walks up, kicks it, and then walks away. There's something very George Michael/Charlie Brown about it. Anyways, the rest of it isn't much of a surprise considering how classless OSU students and fans are.

In other news, as a going away present from my old job I got a gift card to the co-op. I just got it in the mail and it's for $75. Mama's about to do some daaaaaamage...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Living above my means

At present I am drinking a $4 bottle of wine while cooking a $3 salmon steak to go with rice-a-roni rice pilaf. There is something both very amusing and very sad about that.

Yesterday, I went to brunch with The Bear, Yatesie and her parents. I had the french toast club (french toast stuffed with ham, wrapped in bacon, covered in syrup) and a bloody. While I was doing this, my gal Sass was in Austin running a marathon. A few minutes into the meal, I got a call from KC who had been giving me updates all morning. This time though, she had Sass on the fone. It was awesome. I'm so proud of my girl!!


Saturday, February 17, 2007

I think Nelson from The Simpsons said it best:


If wanting Reggie Bush to die in a fire is wrong, I dont want to be right.

Today has been boring. However, I did my taxes earlier, and I'm getting a $700 refrund. I dont even know what to do with that kind of money. Faberge egg? Plastic surgery? Season ticket to the Tennessee Titans?

Why does life always have to be so hard?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

30 Rock

Seriously people, if you aren't watching this show, you are no friend of mine. On tonite's episode, Tina Fey found her inner boss strength after watching an episode of "Designing Women."

"If any of you ever call me that horrible name again, I will fire you! And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again...because YOU DO NOT CROSS A SUGARBAKER WOMAN!"

Absolute genius.

The last couple days have been total bullshit. Continuing the theme of us supposedly following the federal government guidelines and then not, I checked opm.gov yesterday morning and found we were on a two hour delay. After two more hours of sleep I got up and trudged to work. When I say trudge, I do mean truuuuuudged. A lot more snow then I expected, and I stepped not once but twice in icy puddles (how "Groundhogs Day, right). Anyways when I got to work, I discovered that they had CHANGED THEIR MINDS and we were encouraged to stay home. Mother-effer. MOTHER-EFFER.

Even though I could have gone back home, I stayed like a good little eight-day employee should. And after work a group us awesome single gals went and had many margaritas and several pounds of guacamole. It was a fun evening, but I'm pretty sure nothing will ever compare to last years Valentines Day. Sorry future husband, but unless you can let me spend every Feb 14 with 72 national champions, then you're going to have to deal with being second best.

And later...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

So thiiiis is what it's like to be Reggie Bushwhack

Kevin Durant is getting crazy love right now, and it's so awesome. Everyone still thinks Greg Oden should go #1, and I think that the team that picks Greg Oden number 1 will be my new least favorite NBA team (replacing the Lakers and the Mavericks). Again I gotta say...I wish PJ, Daniel and Lamarcus would have stuck around another season to play with this guy. Sh*t, even ONE of them sticking around would have been awesome. I sort of expect KD to take us on a Carmelo-like run through the tourney. SNAPZ!

Speaking of Reggie Bush...I call b.s. on this. Everyone knows RB is gay. Gaaaaaay!!! When she figures it out, Ciara will one-two-step her way right outta New Orleans. Hey-O!

The "2007 It's Cold As F*ck" winter weather continues. I really hoped we'd be closed today, but we weren't. Then the federal government closed at 2, and despite the fact that I was told explicitly in orientation yesterday that we always follow the federal government, we did not. We were told we would remain open, but any employee that felt they needed to leave should do so and would get paid for the whole day. No one in my department left, and I really didn't want to be the new girl who left at 2. So I stayed. Booooooooo.

Seriously god...give us tomorrow off. Ice this shit up!!

Monday, February 12, 2007

What? Did the moon take a nite off so your butt could eclipse the sun?

Ho-hum...another freshman of the year honor for Colt McCoy. What I find amusing about this one is that it comes from the touchdown club of COLUMBUS. Man, you gotta think they hated to give that one to a guy from Texas. I'm surprised they give awards for things other than "mattress toss" or "poops in a bottle" or "furniture pyrotechnics."

Just last nite I started to think about next football season, and though there are a lot of curvy punctuations (question marks), I think our offense is going to be off the chain. For starters, no more Selvin. I have to say I think Selvin has to go on my list of most disappointing Texas careers. I remember watching him in a scrimmage and being like "whooooaaaa nelly." But last year I got annoyed every time he was on the field.

(A quick Selvin anecdote: he had a major crush on Sass, and they talked on the phone on occasion. His voice mail message went something like "This is Selvin Young...Selvin. Young. Playa. I can't get the phone but leave me a message and I'll holla at ya." And then like 5 minutes of jams. I say "Selvin. Young." in my head every time I hear his name).

Anyways, back to next year's offense. One has to assume that Colt will save another life during the offseason, so he's set. Jamaal will win the NC in the 100 and re-learn about running forward and not side to side. Limas will get more adorable. It's going to be so tiiiiiight!

Changing tracks a bit, the following video was on Deadspin today, and when I saw it a Randy Newman song started running through my head: "Fat People Got No Reason to Live." The actual song is "Short People Got No Reason to Live." But I don't have anything against short people. Actually, I don't know whether it's more or less embarassing to say that I know a Randy Newman song or that I know a Randy Newman song because it was on an episode of "Ally McBeal." In my defense, this particular song was sung by my girl Jennifer Holliday, the original (and in my opinion, one-and-only) Effie from Dreamgirls, in an episode . I digress. Enjoy the fattie.

Also, I'm offended that there is a school that still sings along to "YMCA." I thought that was more of a WNBA thing. I am also not shocked that said school is in the great state of Wesvirginya.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

The Grammys

I'm not going to call this a live blog, but I'm sitting here watching the Grammys and I feel the need to make some noise.

-What the f*ck is Sting wearing? Probably a shirt from the last time the Police performed. They've been talking for EVER about the big Police reunion, and though it was pretty cool, don't you think maybe more than one song would have been nice? What do I know.

-We're one award in and this already bullshit. Two old fogeys singing an old song. How not awesome. Don't get me wrong, I lerv Stevie Wonder, but again I ask...wtf.

-One thing that really annoys me about the Grammys is that they only give out like 6 awards during the actual show. I ask you...do you really win a Grammy if it's not awarded to you on tv?

-Joan Baez is looking good. I wonder if the botox in her face is hippie-approved


-Kind of sounds like Fergie doesnt know how to read. Which is ironic since she is always spelling things in her songs. Maybe that's her own version of hooked on phonics. And by the way, I've never heard of "Booker T and the MG's"

-MJB HAS NEVER WON A GRAMMY!? That aint right!! Few people can rock it like her.

-Those three "contest winners" all look like whores. And if one of them touches Justin in an inappropriate way I will hunt them down...and kick their ass. They also just basically revealed that Justin isn't performing until 10, which kind of makes me want to change the channel.

-I take that back. Here he comes! My favorite song too!! (yeah right...I'm sure it's something his "friend" went through. Being cheated on and then having the cheater get screwed...that sounds nothing like what happened with Brit). Also, I'm not ashamed that earlier today I paid $2 for the directors cut of this video. "I thought I told ya...HEY!"

-Man, Pink and JT are inexplicably linked for all time.

-OK, MJB already got one so she's set. Let's take care of B now please. I will say her dress is stunning though.

Seriously, this was fun, but now that I've seen B and JT, I'm done with this show for a while.

Atta boy!

Last nite while I was subjecting myself to another evening with the nerd friends, I missed a "solid" performance by Vincey in the Pro Bowl. It really makes me so happy that people are FINALLY putting down their haterade. Just because he doesnt look like quarterbacks you may have known, doesnt mean he isn't the greatest ever. Juuuuuust saying.

Last nite we bowled. That's really the only reason I went out was because the opportunity to bowl does not come up open. I should not have been surprised when the nerd friends all said they sucked at bowling. I don't consider myself to be a good bowler, but by "not good" I mean I usually break 100 but not by much. They meant "not good" like usually break 50. I SMOKED them. And once again I have to feel embarassed about the fact that I'm so much better than them. Really the only thing I'm good at is swinging my arm straight. It's not that difficult.

On the lane next to us was a couple that I deduced was within a couple months of dating. They were a cute couple but also still kind of awkward together. They both had on similar glasses, and while I thought my "I bet the met at Lens Crafters" joke was hilarious, everyone else was faux-offended. Someone said, "there's nothing wrong with being a little nerdy," which was actually quite a hilarious comment, considering the source. I thought to myself, "it's true...there is NOTHING wrong with being nerdy. I love nerdy guys. There is however, a lot wrong with being A NERD."

And when you didn't know Anna Nicole had died even though it's been 48 hours of non-stop coverage on every single outlet and medium...you're a nerd. Again I say...put down your science fiction book and pick up a newspaper. Learn some names. That's all I'm asking.

Okay that's all I'm saying for now. Promise.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

No farting around time

Dudes, I'm trying not to piss off the new workplace so I don't want to be blogging at work and saying @SS, F*CK, D@MN!! I'm so crazy!! CRAZY!!!

Anyways, FTP sent me this link today, and I have to say it is worth about a million dollars. I'm not paying that amt though...I'm going to let the insurance companies take care of that.

My mom emailed me and said, "congrats on the #3 recruiting class." I don't know if I'm more amazed that she knew it was signing day or if that she got it wrong (we were #5...duh). They're saying this is the best class since Vince. I dont want to, you know, talk smack...because I love Mack. But motherheffer, I think I remember hearing about how off the chain last year's class was, and I cant name one "Cedric Benson" or "Derrick Johnson" or "Rod Wright" on last year's class. Does that make me dumb, or does that make YOU dumb. Think about it....

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Don't you dare tell me my apparel doesn't matter!

I've been looking forward to writing this post ALL DAY LONG! WOO WOO! This article was on the front page of the Washington Post yesterday, and I have to say, it's f-ing bullshit.

So what you're trying to tell me, is that it doesn't matter what shirt I'm wearing; it doesn't matter what I'm drinking; it doesnt matter that I'm not in Dallas; it doesn't matter that I'm upstairs at Rhodeside? YOU ARE WRONG.

Answer me this, Emily Pronin...why is it that the first game we lost in the last two years (that I wasn't at) was KSU when I was at a wedding and not Rhodeside? Why is it that we were losing by 30 to OK State, when I took off my "I'm Mack Brown Bitch" tshirt, and we came back and won? Why is it that against both Baylor and Tech, when we were upstairs and not down, we played like shit for the first half? Can you explain these things? Neither can I...but they are facts. COLD HARD FACTS. So take your study and shove 'em up your A-Rod.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Chris + Vince = Huh?

I find this image both beautiful and disturbing.

FTP commented that she wanted to be the meat in this sandwich. That comment reminded me of the nite at The Drink when I looked up and realized I was the meat in a Chris Simms/Houston Street sandwich. That memory is both awesome and embarassing that I used to frequent The Drink with m'ladies. Gawd...I was such a groupie.

Anyways, I was seriously juuuuust wondering this morning if these two dudes were in touch/friendly. I mean, Vince was a red shirt during Chris's senior year, so in some way he had to have learned something from Chris. Maybe that something was "don't lose games or the fans will kill you." If that's true, I'm totally fine with that. Thank god he didnt learn "throw 4 interceptions in a conference championship game." I would be a much different person today if he had. I totally bet that Chris, Nordco, Vince and Chance all get together and have appletinis. And of course Vince pays for it all because he's got the most job security (what with Nordco fixing air conditioners, Chance playing 3rd string QB for Arena football, and Chris not having a spleen).

First day of the new job today. It was pretty special. SPECIAL ED! HA! HA HA! Psych!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Super Blah

Dude. Not even the commercials were interesting this year.

I was cheering for the Bears, much to my chagrin since my newest mortal enemy Corco is a Bears fan. But a girl's gotta stick with her guns, and Cedric Benson and Nathan Vasher are my guns. When Ced lost that g-d fumble I thought "Corco is going to give me major shit for that" and sure enough it was the first thing he said when I walked into his apartment after halftime. ASSHOLE. I'll eat your potstickers and drink your non-light beer...but it doesnt mean I like you.

And P.S: while I thought Prince's performance was enjoyable, I wonder how long he's going to be playing those same five songs for. It's been 20+ years at this point. Can he go another 20? I'll tell you what was a MORE enjoyable Prince performance....2004 Grammys:

So what did you come for?


Justin was pretty much the shit. I pretty much loved him. Pretty much.

My last day of work was on Wednesday, and as Justin once sang, "Though you were underpaid, that place isn't worth your tears." Totally agree. My two days of unemployment (next time I quit a job, someone beat me if I say I'm only taking two days off) were spent in preparation for the concert. Thursday, Sally and I went shopping for outfits and accessories. It's really nice to spend four hours at the mall without there being a huge crowd and without any place else to be. Friday I was quite pleased to go to my mailbox and find this waiting for me:

That's right...Justin on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, arriving on the very day I'm going to see Justin. That's divine intervention for you!

Pre-concert we hit happy hour at RFD where conversations included whether touching Justin would be enough to get one of us pregnant, which of us would be the first to show our boobs, and what we would/should do to Jessica Biel if she showed her face.

Now, when we initially bought the tix back in October, we thought they were floor general admission. Then last week, as we looked closer at them, we noticed that there were row and seat numbers which meant we diddnt need to get to the Verizon Center as early. Well, turns out that was bullheimer, as they were in fact general admission. Since we didn't arrive until about half-way through Pink's set, we weren't as right up in the action as we could have been. Pink, by the way, really rocked. She has a lot of hit songs, and girl can sport a bathing suit that would make Princess Leia jealous.

But finally it was the moment I'd been emptying my bladder for for three hours. We had all tried to guess what song he'd open with, and none of us were right: it was "FutureSex/LoveSounds" the title track from the new album. I'd say it's one of my favorites, but they're ALL my favorites.

The show was off the chain. He sang every song from the new album except for one ("Boutique in Heaven" which I like but is really cheesy); he sang several songs from Justified; he sang "Gone" from his N*Sync days which was the song that told the world "yea, I don't need these dudes." But Justin didnt just sing. He sat down at the piano for several songs, and he jammed out on a guitar for several songs. And most importantly...he danced. The thing that man does with his hips....mmmmmmm. Anyways, here are some pics. Do enjoy please:

This is just before Justin came out. First, the picture does not do justice to how hot I looked. Second, this was just before we beat bitches down who said that one of them was going to do it with Justin.

You got me LoveStoned

This is during the dance break for "My Love" which he opened the MTV Video Music Awards with. It is completely UNREAL. But it's also real because I saw it.

Man alive I want to make babies with this man.

Seriously. I want to do what they do on the Discovery Channel...or actually the National Geographic Channel.

The money shot. I forget what song he was singing, but he looked me right in the eye, winked, and mouthed "The Four Seasons, room 610." That's allllll I'm saying.

Friday, February 02, 2007

My sentiments exactly

Vince You is the shiznit!!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Just wait a little longer

Hello adoring public.

Sorry me no writey sooner (God I hate that word). Yesterday was my last day at work so I was busy being the center of attention all day (which I hate...PSYCH!). Today I was hungover and shopping for Justin. Tomorrow I'll be changing clothes all day because I think I'll be so excited I'll pee in my pants. Wooooooooooooo!!!

But I did want to login and say how excited I am that Kevin Durant filed paperwork yesterday for his presidential exploratory committee. He has my support, and I would be proud to accept your nomination for VP.

Seriously...I don't care if he IS a freshman, KD is player of the year. If you disagree then you're a hater and should go watch "Little Miss Crapshine" again.