HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Poor Nordco

Just noticed this on ESPN.com. It reminded me that his big brother had been committed to Tennessee until switching over to Texas at the last minute. That in turn made me wonder what the f my college years would have been like without Christopher Simms and more importantly without the Christopher Simms/Major Applewhite draaaaaama. And since Major graduated when I was a junior, there's a chance I could have spent my senior year watching Matt Friggin Nordgren leading my boys. That is crazy. It's also crazy that he may actually be MORE of a pretty boy then Christopher is. I bet Nordco still has his spleen though. I think he got signed by the Eagles and then cut four days later. Sounds about right.

In other news, I'm watching the best episode of Six Feet Under right now ("I'm Sorry, I'm Lost"). It's after Lisa disappears and Nate's in total self-destruct mode. I think I love this show because it reminds me that my life could be a lot more f*cked up. Thank you HBO!!

My roomie's mom sent us three dozen homemade tamales today. So hot. I plan to eat at least a dozen of them during my two days of unemployment this week. Actually scratch that...mama don't need to put on any extra weight before seeing Justin from ROW ZERO. A little pee just came out.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Phat Camp

Me and Sally hit a couple house parties last nite while a house party was going on at my house. Did that make sense? I don't care. After more bloodys at brunch I came home and let the delayed hangover settle in. Roomie's first words to me were "wow, you really look like shit."

Anyways, I was happy to find that MTV was showing their documentary "Fat Camp." I've seen it several times and it just keeps getting more awesome. Teenagers are so cool. The only thing cooler than teenagers are fat teenagers at fat camp. Yea, okay, that was a little mean, but I feel like shit so I can be as mean as I want. SUCK IT.

As I watched it, I started to think (just like Carrie Bradshaw!) that it would be awesome to have a Phat Camp. If you saw the types of people that were at Saint Ex this morning, you would totally agree with me. Here is a sampling of things I would teach people at Phat Camp:

1. You can have a backpack. You can have a purse. But you cannot have a backpack purse. If you do, I will kill you.

2. If you're trying to get the attention of a group of girls, you can yell "Ya'll are a bunch of hot bitches" and get a response...but it's probably not the response you want.

3. Take a moment every day to tell Jesus how thankful you are for Beyonce. Thank him for making her both beautiful and talented. Repeat a second time substituting Justin Timberlake for Beyonce.

4. Despite what Greg Kinnear says in the bullshit Best Picture Oscar contender "Little Miss Sunshine," sarcasm is NOT the refuge of losers. Sarcasm is awesome. The only people who don't like sarcasm are people who are too dumb to get it. Those people will never be extended an invitation to Phat Camp. We don't have time for stupid people.

5. Pop your collar and I'll pop a cap.

Friday, January 26, 2007

I have many leather bound books

I just checked my statcounter and wondered why more than four people were

Welcome to readers of Burnt Orange Nation and Everyday Should be Saturday.
Thank you for making me feel blogmous. Please dont tell my mommy.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

This morning I woke up to a Reggie Bush probe (Pt. 2)

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photo courtesy Savvy. Maniacal laughter courtesy Steez.

Also, the Deadspin comments on this story are, as usual, f-ing hilarious. My personal favorite: "Someone check the URL availability of nonepeat.com"

This morning I woke up to a Reggie Bush probe

I always knew he was a gay.

The "Reggie Bush thinks he's the shit and can get away with anything including having agents buy his parents a house" investigation isn't dead yet. This morning they're saying there are tapes that prove he knew what was up. I really wish I could find these reporters from Yahoo Sports and buy them something really dawesome for staying on top of this. I would almost suspect that they have Longhorn blood in them. Love you boo!

Staying with the theme of Reggie Bush sucking at life, I wanted to jump through the screen and break his tibia during the Saints/Bears game. I will give him credit for an amazing touchdown run. But it was not at all necessary for him to turn around and point and yell at the Bears defenders as he ran it in. And it was f*cking ridiculous for him to then jump and flip into the end zone. He may be a good player, but in his head he is a God (thanks for that ESPN). Look for no further evidence then his attempted lateral during the Rose Bowl. No other player in his right mind would have tried to do that, but he's like "Yo mister! I'm Reggie Bush! Look at my striped shirt! I can do whatever I wanna do, including lateral the ball to a walk on reciever who isn't looking in my direction!"

Seriously...I will be praying for RB's demise for the rest of his days...long after he's done with football.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Suck of the Union*

I could give two sh*ts about Bush's speech tonite. Seriously...why do I need to waste 40 minutes of my life when I can read the pertinent information in about five minutes tomorrow? ANSWER ME THAT, AMERICA!

When I was a lowly DC intern, we congregated in room 610 (raise up!) to watch the SOTU and drink and be merry. I did it because it seemed like the DC thing to do. Well, let me tell you friends...something being the "DC thing to do" usually makes it pretty lame.

People in this city just LOOOOOVE to get together and watch political moments like this one. I'm talking debates, speeches, funerals. You move here, and it seems like it would be fun. I usually support any excuse to get your drink on, but sit back and actually think what playing a State of the Union drinking game really means. It means sitting quietly and listening to a 40-minute-long speech (most of which has already been leaked) and then yelling "OOOOH! HE SAID TERRORIST!!" when our idiot president says something stupid. Oh my God! You know what would be less fun? Waxing your mustache!

Other D.C. things that sound fun but really aren't: Playing frisbee on the Mall (unless you don't have a problem beaning tourists...which I don't), going to Adams Morgan, taking the metro everywhere, and pooping. Just kidding! Pooping is always fun!

*Title provided by Sally who did apparently watch the speech anyway. Suckah


That pretty much sums up how I feel about this.

Don't get me wrong. Love Abigail Breslin, and almost wish I could have a nerdy chubby little girl just like her. And that was a great movie. But HELL TO THE NAW IT AINT A BEST PICTURE CANDIDATE!!!! Even more egregious? No nomination for Bill Condon. I'm in a bad f-ing mood today, so don't any of you try and F**K with me.

Monday, January 22, 2007

It's my favorite day of the year

The Pro-Life rally on the Mall!! Man I just love it when the right-wing
fundamentalist Christian crazies converge on my city on the stretch of grass
at my place of work and march with signs. Gets my blood pumping! I feel just
awful that it's so cold outside, and that the ground is full of icy muddy
slush. I wish I had enough blankets to give to all of you soldiers. But
since I don't, here instead is a virtual hug.


No seriously, I ran out to get lunch a few minutes ago and walking in my
direction was a couple pulling a wagon of kids in it (it was a big wagon!
jealous much!?). Walking alongside this wagon were five other kids. That
makes for eight total, all younger than 13. The sight of that made my uterus
go infertile, so I no longer have to participate in the abortion debate.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Long. Day.

Phew, yesterday was a long ass day. First and foremost, I set a new personal record for earliest time to start drinking: 8:30 a.m. Sally and I thought we'd be so f-ing awesome that we had bloody fixings for the ride. Then a truck pulls up and unloads a shit-ton of food, beer and champagne. Scratch that.

The game was less than entertaining. I've decided that I'm no longer going to travel to basketball games. I've seen us lose to Duke twice, to Syracuse in the final four. No more. Sorry Vladimir Barnes. I'm sure you'll be fine without me.

I walked back into my apartment just before 9 and went straight to bed. Because I like to fall asleep watching tv, I turned on TBS and saw the tailend of "Deep Impact." Any movie with Tea Leoni is okay in my book (psych). I woke up three hours later, washed my face and all that jazz, get back in bed to find that "Deep Impact" is on AGAIN, and it's at the exact same point it was when I turned it on the first time. I know, totally creepy, right? I think that Morgan Freeman should run for president in real life. I'd totally vote for him just because his beard is so dang sexy.

Anyways, I slept until noon today, and then spent the better part of an hour trying to psych myself up to go get coffee. It was one of those mornings where I really wished I had a g-d car. I did end up going and the coffee tasted even sweeter thanks to my personal victory. Now I'm watching football while Roomie cleans the kitchen. I won this round of "see who gives in and does the dishes." Usually she wins. Like I said...big day.

I dont care much for the NFL but picking the teams to cheer for is pretty easy. I will not ever cheer for Reggie "still aint cured Cancer" Bush, and the Bears have both CBens and Nasty Nate Vasher on their team. Plus, who really wants to hear about "how much this Saints team has meant to the city of New Orleans" for the next two weeks. I really don't. Later, I of course am rooting for my boooiii DT and the pats. I think Peyton Manning is a selfish asshole and I honestly hope he never wins a Super Bowl. But if/when the Bears win today, I dont think there's anyway they win the SB with Sexy Rexy at qb. That guy showed up in the NFL looking like a ten-year-old, and his way of changing that was to get fat. So now he looks like a chubby pre-teen.

Two last things...first, I wonder how Matt Hasselback feels seeing a commercial of him getting tackled by the creepy Burger King mascot-type-thing. Embaraaaassing. Second, since being in SA for Christmas I've developed an obession with Law and Order: Criminal Intent. I'm trying to decide if I should watch that when it comes on Bravo at 6 or watch football. Tough choices. Say a prayer that I make the right call.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Not a whole lot to say today

Except that once again, I really really really hate American Idol. I find
negative a million things redeeming about this show. I despise it with all
of my heart. Last nite when I got home, I found it playing on our TV (Roomie
nowhere in sight) to which I exclaimed "OH HELL NO" and changed it. Later I
went to my friend neighborhood attorney's house to celebrate the new job,
only to find them watching it. I sat down and said, "yeah...if we're
seriously watching this, I'm going to need a drink."

Perhaps my intense hatred of this show has something to do with my
questionable moral values. I mean, give me a "Flavor of Love" marathon and
I'm hard pressed to leave the couch. AI is so sugary sweet I want to vomit.

But you know actually, it's not. Right now of course they're doing the "oh
my god listen to how awful these singers are" episodes. I'm surprised
they've never been sued over these. Last nite, they profiled these two super
nerdy guys who were trying out, and I would swear that one if not both of
them were mentally retarded. And yet STILL the producers send them through
to Simon to be mocked so we can all have a hoot at their expense. I feel
like if you go on the Real World or even Beauty and the Geek you know what
you're getting into in terms of mocking. Not the same here. It's annoying.

(Really I hate even typing about this topic)

Three more reasons to hate this show: Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Ryan
Seacrest. Randy Jackson acts like he's top shit. But really, if AI ended
tomorrow (and god how I wish it would) he would be on the Surreal Life in a
matter of weeks. He survives only off what he makes on this show. Paula is a
train wreck of low self esteem and over-medication. And Seacrest...Christ!
Why does he keep getting more jobs!!! He is a weasily cocky motherf***er who
everyone makes fun of (and I don't think anyone in Hollywood actually
respects him) and yet he's on every freaking medium. Soon I'm sure he'll
have his own magazine, which no one will buy, but which will still lead him
to a book publishing deal.

Notice I didn't say Simon. He's the only one that takes this sh*t (and I do
mean SH*T) seriously, and he always seems annoyed to be there. I'm annoyed
you're there too Simon. So make them cancel the show please.

The worst part of the whole thing is that from now to May it's all anyone
will want to talk about. I wish I could punch you all out for that.

Damn...that felt good.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


This is rather unlikely to happen but that hasn't kept me from freaking the f out about it. One nice thing about quitting your job is that you can just flit around and do whatever the hell you want all day. This morning I spent about 45 minutes talking to our IT guy about football, and as it usually does with me, talk turned to Vincey, . I was saying that I hope they trade up so he can get a hoss receiver like Jarrett or Johnson. Allen said, "You know who I'd really like the Titans to get? Adrian Peterson."

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I laid into Allen about how that was the worst idea since New Coke. No...the worse idea since cavemen went on a rock diet. I highly doubt that the traitor will still be available at the 19th pick, and the Titans have a couple pretty solid running backs (Ahmard Hall anyone?) so I can't imagine them trading up for an RB. But still...the thought is vomit inducing. Don't get me wrong...I've accepted the fact that Vince may at some point have to play with Sooners. He may be doing so now. But the two Sooners I would NEVER want to see in the same uniform as him (unless it was a pro bowl uniform) are the traitor and the name-stealer (the other Roy Williams).

Woot Woot

Big changes for Steez. As of yesterday I have resigned my position here and accepted a position here. I'm EXTREMELY excited. EXTREMELY. Like, EXTREMELY EXTREMELY.

The celebration of this momentous occasion kept me from watching the basketball game last nite, and I regret that more than I regret that last caraffe of sangria. I'm making up for it though this weekend with a trek up to Philly to see KD in person when we take on Villanova. The Exes rented a bus and you best be sure that I'll be packing a gallon or two of bloody marys. It's going to be a long awesome day.

Oh yeah, and I got a new rad job. Woot!

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Golden GLobes have lost all credibility

Beyonce NOT winning for best song is like Texas NOT winning a national championship with Vince Young. It's wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG. IM transcript from this transgression:

emsmilie: um yea
soooohot: i will kill someone if B doesn't win
emsmilie: lol
emsmilie: i bet B is crying now
soooohot: oh my god that is such fucking shit
soooohot: golden globes have lost all credibility
soooohot: it would have been perfect for jt to give it to my girl b
emsmilie: i didn't event know happy feet was a movie
emsmilie: they should tour together
emsmilie: now that would be a show
soooohot: my head would explode
soooohot: i'm so pissed about listen
soooohot: i wish i could hit someone
emsmilie: marisela?
soooohot: nah, she deserves a break
soooohot: man i wish you still lived here
soooohot: i'd invite you over and hit you really hard
emsmilie: so you could punch me?
emsmilie: jerk
soooohot: i love beyonce
soooohot: love her
emsmilie: do you?
soooohot: prince didnt even care to show up
soooohot: beyonce is sitting right there
soooohot: just give her the fucking award jt
emsmilie: you need to move on
emsmilie: there is always the grammys
emsmilie: and the oscars
soooohot: well she always wins grammys
soooohot: she has like 7

Just let it do what it do baby

Courtesy FTP comes a look inside Vincey's apartment. I know what will make it feel more like home...ME.

He was a litter bug

Since officially it's now Monday I can say I'm shocked at the number of businesses that are not closed today. Racist mofos!! And in honor of those racists here is a highly offensive and highly hilarious Sarah Silverman video. I think she and I would be friends. Reeeeeally good friends.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Courtesy The Wizard of Odds come these two hilarious takes on script Ohio:

Love that chicken from Popeyes.

Today I feel like...

...getting drunk. Oh wait, that's everyday. I may have a drinking problem...and by problem, I mean that others say the have issues with me being less fun when sober.

You know it's going to be a lazy day when it's 5:30 and you're still wearing the shirt you slept in last nite...the shirt that is now coffee-stained from the only time you ventured outside the apt all day. I've been watching the playoffs, and during the Chicago game I realized that the smell I had been curious about was me. I told myself I'd shower when the game was over, but then they went to overtime, and then I only had a few minutes to shower before my boy DT started playing. My life is difficult (and no, my card is not American Express).

I'm slightly exaggerating my laziness today. I have said in the past that I have inertia problems. For instance, every time I sit down to watch TV I want to get up and fix the stack of DVDs in the entertainment cabinet. But I can never seem to care enough to get up and do it. Well today I went to town...started there and then cleaned out our desk, and then moved on to my room. When Roomie first moved here she was going to receptions and parties all the time and coming home with random bags of crap...like an Exxon tape measure, an Altria portable fan, a CitiBank inflatable neck pillow. And for whatever reason, we've kept that crap for almost three years. Now it's all gone, and I'm sure that in the next week I'll find myself wishing we had a retractable phone cord. DAMMIT KARMA!!

While cleaning I also found my digital camera, which means I can finally post on craigslist the stupid ipod case I bought online that I dont want (the first of two cases I bought but didnt like). As I'm so sure you know, Santa granted my one and only wish and brought me my new video ipod. The thing is so bling. SO BLING. Look at how rocks and sticks my old one looks in comparison:

Because I assign feelings to pretty much every inanimate object I own, I like to think that whitey has been wondering why the f he hasn't been touched in more than three weeks. Pooooor whitey...it's like reverse racism. We're for sure headed to couples therapy soon (it's not you, it's me). I haven't quite decided what to do with the old one. Despite being a generation 2, it still works like a dream. Roomie has a generation 3 which is obviously newer than mine, and she's had way way more problems with hers than I've ever had with mine (Chuuuump!). Some people have said "oh it'll be nice to have a back-up." But in what kind of scenario would I really need a back up? Like if my prom date cancels? If I sold it I can't see people paying more than like $50-60 for it since it's so old, and that just seems like the wrong thing to do to an old friend.

To show the kind of attachment I get to these things, while cleaning I also found my old cel phone which was damaged in the great Gold Cup debacle of 2005. Really, why have I kept this thing for almost two years? It is quite obviously beyond help:

You'll also recall that last week I attempted to make guac in my new Cuisinart, and the rock hard craptacular avocados from Giant made me look like a damn fool. Yesterday, Roomie dropped into the Latino Market in Clarendon (she would) and found some perfectly squishy avocados so that I could try again. SUCCESS!

I make some damn good guacamole. I'll come straight out with it...I'm like the Vince Young of guacamole making. CMart's ex-girfriend used to talk about how great her guac was, and I watched her make it once...she used an f-ing packet of mix. That aint right. That just AINT right. I realized as I was making it that I'm not altogether sure what else I can use the Cuisinart for (I should have asked for the Magic Bullet. That sounded dirty didnt it?), so I should probably just rename my Cuisinart my GuacMachine.

Two paragraphs on making guacamole? Damn. This is a boring day.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


Vince Young sent me an email. I'm dead serious. See the evidence:

Who rules?

Since it's hard to read, I'll tell you that the subject line was "Israel, and will not be forgiven them, the Lord." Vince cares about my soul, and I appreciate that. I need a lot of people to care about my soul, and I think Vince is a good person to do that...he is Jesus's homeboy after all.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Scratch that

I had a whole post written about how much I hate American Idol, but I decided that I complain too much. So here is something that I like:

Nicolas Cage has always been something/someone that I hate, so this craptacularness is extremely enjoyable. If only Helen Hunt were in this movie too!

I've been sick for almost two weeks now, and I'm finally swallowing my Steezer Pride and going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm having a dilemma about whether I should go to work at all, since I still plan to go to the gym at lunch before coming back and finishing another 30 minutes of "work" and then heading to the docmeister. My life is filled with difficult choices.

Oh yea, and OU sucks. In this instance I'm referring to basketball, since we play them on Saturday, but since Public Enemy #1 Adrian Peterson has declared for the draft, their suckage is now twofold.

Actually, a millionfold.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


The answer: The number there are in the universe
The question: How many stars would you give Dreamgirls?

So my obsession with this movie has been well documented. Because of a stupid family thing, I was unable to see it on Christmas Day. But before we headed up to my grandparent's farm I levied a harsh warning on the parentals: "If I have not seen Dreamgirls by the end of the day on Dec. 26, I will cut someone."

My parents have seen the way I react when Texas loses, and they didn't want me lashing out in front of the extended family that I never see, so they obliged. On Dec. 26 we drove an hour south to Plano and saw the movie. Then last nite, two weeks later, I saw it again. And probably sometime before February, I will see it again.

Folks, this movie is the sh*t. Seriously. It is. There are 5-6 moments when you want to jump out of your chair and applaud like you would if you were watching it in live theater. The first time I saw it, people may not have jumped up, but they did applaud...since there were only like 15 people in the theater last nite, not so much.

Instead of just saying here's why I like it, here's what other people have said, and why they're stupid:

"Dreamgirls, in its second half, turns to the tale of what happens to all of these people — and since they're archetypes more than individuals, the drama is a bit hollow." -Entertainment Weekly

A lot of people said the movie dragged in the second half. I went in prepared for that to happen, and it didn't. If anything, in the second half the audience becomes even more captivated. Any movement in the seats during the first part is completely quelled when Effie finishes singing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." I of course have a devotion to the original version of this song, but JHud raises the motherloving roof off it. And just when you're coming back down she kills "I Am Changing." And then you're thinking, "damn, does B get to kill it at all?" she does with "Listen." Literally, we left the theater dancing last nite.

"Jamie Foxx and Beyonce Knowles are largely wasted..." -Washington Post

A lot of people have said that JHud steals the show from Beyonce. Those people are douchetards. This movie would be a disaster if Beyonce stole the show. The story is about a great singer who is replaced by a less great singer in a girl group, and the fallout. What the f*ck movie would it be if Beyonce raised the roof on every song and suddenly you're like "Why is Effie all mad...she aint all that" and have no sympathy for the girl. So my girl B shows her chops by playing the role by showing that she's got the strength inside, she just hasn't released it yet. Do I think B should have been nominated for a Best Actress Golden Globe. No. This is Effie's movie, and JHud should have gotten that. Do I think B should have gotten a best SUPPORTING nomination. Hell to the yes.

As far as Jamie Foxx goes, I wish he had been meaner. I wanted the audience to hate him a lot more. Rest assured I wanted to cut a bitch when he tells B her voice has no personality. But he could have been meaner. Still, he's fine.

"...even if the songs themselves are kind of meh" -Slate

Dana Stevens, I'm looking you up in Bacons, finding your address and sending you a dead rabbit. You are dead to me. Go suck on rubber cement you f-ing idiot.

I'd keep going but I've decided to leave work. Later suckerrrrrs!!


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I think it's time

Last year, about 30 days before the Greatest. Day. Ever. we had a dark day
in the land of longhorn. On the very same day, in the very same city, the
Texas basketball team got walloped by Duke, and Vince Young lost the
Heisman. For many of us leaving the Meadowlands in the afternoon, we were
shellshocked, having forgotten what it's like to lose. But we were bouyed by
cries "But we got Vince tonite." And then he lost too. It was

I don't want to discount what a great and well fought game last year's Rose
Bowl was, but I don't think anyone will question that Vince was the best
player on the field for either team, outshining not one but TWO Heisman
winners. People everywhere pontificated "if the Heisman ceremony were
today..." And it is absolutely true that if the Heisman ceremony had been
held Jan. 5, Vince Young would have another piece of hardware in his

The point I'm now getting to is this. Troy Smith looked like assholio last
nite. Seriously. People everywhere are already talking about how much his
draft stock was hurt. Less than 100 yards of total offense in a national
championship game? That's bush league, mister. So I have to wonder...if the
Heisman ceremony were held today, would Troy still win? I think the answer
is proooobably yes. If you're looking at the complete body of work, then by
all means he had the best overall season. But the Heisman isn't about the
best "overall season." If that were the case I think Vince WOULD have won
last year (no single player was more important to his team's success.
Period). If that were the case I think the other Colt from Hawaii would have
won this year. I don't think Brady Quinn would have been even invited to New

I know giving awards is a fickle business, but don't you think just maaaybe
they should be handed out after the season is completely done? Just look at
the whole Romoiasco. That beeyotch aint got no bizness in the Pro Bowl. And
though Troy Smith may have had a great season, I don't think he's worthy of
the life-long distinction he'll carry with him as a Heisman-trophy winner.
So do the honorable thing and just send it to Vince. Thank you.

For real though, how ridiculous was that game? Boring boring boring, and
for the exact opposite reason I had predicted!? I'm starting to wonder about
the Big 10's reeeeal strength this season. Their two top teams both got
taken out back, knocked around and then knocked up. I mean, it was just
uggos. I'm not happy Florida won because of the whole "fatpants" situation
(as Sally referred to it). But I can't exactly be sad about OSU losing
either, since they are such trashy fans. What really makes me sad is that
our reign as champs is over. It's depressing when I read comments on other
blogs from Florida fans...how excited and incredulous they are. I miss that
feeling. Come on Basketball team! Help me out!!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Tell 'em get the bottles popping when they play my song

Helloooooo. First and foremost, the promised pictures:

From my actual birthday (Courtesy of Sassafrass)

From my DC birthday celebration/Rose Bowl anniversary (Courtesy of Heathpie)

Surprisingly, the ones from last week are a lot worse. I'll probably remove these links in the near future, so get yer fill while you can.

I've always said that I'll watch just about any sport in the playoffs (this used to extend to hockey too, but that aint true anymore). So this weekend I found myself on the couch still trying to recover from my cold and watching the Cowboys play. I have NEVER been a Cowboys fan. Ever. My whole family is from Dallas, so I was always the bratty niece who cheered against them to tick off my uncles. They've gotten me back in recent years by cheering against the Longhorns, and frankly, I don't know how they managed to not pop me in the jaw all those years ago. The Cowboys are kind of like the NFL version of Notre Dame...supposedly "America's Team." The Romosexual gets the start and has a couple good games, and somehow that earns him a trip to the Pro Bowl. And as soooooon as the Romosteria hits a high note, dude starts to suh-uck. To me, it's just Romolarity.

By now you know what happened on Saturday nite. I had the game on in the corner of the screen on PIP because I figured it was all but done. Watching it on the little tiny square I thought maybe they'd tried to fake it, which would have been the dumbest play call in the world. But no. The snap got Romoed and the Cowboys were sent back to losertown. I did feel bad for the guy as he sat with his head buried in his hands...I also really wished I had High Def so I could see if he was crying. If you missed it, here's a reenactment, courtesy of Deadspin:

That video brings me to my second point of the day: I've decided against my better judgement to cheer for OSU. The guy in that video is wearing Florida pajama pants. It's bad enough that you filmed yourself in your room reenacting that moment (and misspelled reinactment)...you're wearing Gator pjs and playing with a stuffed football your mommy probably gave you. Why don't you just go and date Pants and spawn loser children? For Chrissakes.

I think tonite is going to be an OSU blowout. The one thing I absolutely do NOT want is for it to be a close one with any spectacular individual performances (ala Vince Motherf*cking Young last year). I want VY's performance to be the only one people talk about for YEARS to come. I know they will talk about it but I don't want it to become "Remember VY in 2006...remember so-and-so who sucks in 2007...remember your mom in 2008."

I think the over/under on number of couches set afire in Columbusterville if the Bucknuts win is 25. I'll take the over. Remember, the school administration declared the fans had behaved well after the Michigan game because there had been only 40 arrests. Though their sportsmanship campaign is called "Best Damn Fans in the Land" I'd say it's more like "Best Damn Fans Within Two Blocks of the Shoe."

And finally, any and all people celebrating in the Phoenix area tonite should beware of Matt Leinart. Apparently doing it with Paris didn't make his junk sufficiently grimey, so now he's getting his Romo on with Britney. That should make it fall off so he can no longer impregnate female basketball players.

Saturday, January 06, 2007


Why, Whole Foods, do you not put out snacks on the weekend anymore? My Saturday/Sunday routine used to involve grazing through your cheeses and fruits on my way home from the gym. For like the last four months I'm forced to look like a homeless person as I make a lap around only to find there aint nothing to eat. Bad form. Austin would be ashamed.

Why, Bravo, are you showing "Waterworld" tonite? I realize it's a Saturday nite, and I should be "out" but I still feel like shit. And I want to watch one of your many quality programs, and instead you're showing me one of Kevin Costner's worst movies? And since all Kevin Costner movies are shitty, being the shit of the shit is a fate worse than having a girl claim a guy got her pregnant even though he's never slept with her (ahem).

Why, Giant, are you even bothering to sell avocados? I'm all amped up to use my new Cuisinart to make some f-ing guac, and the best ones I can find are still like rubber balls. You can mess with me when it comes to a lot of things, but DO NOT MESS WITH ME AND MY TEX MEX.

Why did I forget what a good movie "Go" is? I feel bad now complaining about the whole "Waterworld" situation.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

100 Things Continued

Chapter Three: Vincent

It seems appropriate to write about him on this day of days for Longhorn fans. Vince is a legend to us. Amotherf*cking legend. And I'm continuing to be conVINCEd he's going to be a legend in the NFL as well. Sunday, thankfully, the Titans/Patriots game was on local tv so I could watch it in my pjs. It was VY v. DT. Going into the day there was a list of four things that had to happen for the Titans to get into the playoffs. It was a longshot, but a lot more of a shot than anyone would have predicted the Titans would have before the season, or even five games into the season.

It turned out to be a sickening day. Vince wasn't phenomenal (for the first time ever!), and the team lost (to a very good New England team of course). I can take the loss, because man alive did Mr. Young have a great first season (ROY bitches!). What made me sick was that the other three things that had to happen...did. I have never cheered harder for any team then I did for those Denver Broncos. PLEASE win so Vince doesn't feel so bad. It had been heartbreaking
to watch him sit on the bench at the end of his game with his head in his hands. It wasn't a Vince any of us are used to seeing, and it's one I hope I never see again. Vince wants to win, and he usually wills himself and his teammates to win. The Vince I know (and who loves me) will remember what he felt like sitting on that bench and that he will work even harder to avoid being there again.

I posted a while back a comment I heard Steve Young make on ESPN. Something to effect of "who cares if Vince Young is a winner?" It was his way of joining the chorus saying that our boy doesn't have "talent"...that he's not a prototypical qb. AGAIN this weekend I heard an announcer or someone say that the NFL prognosticators are going to start having to consider "is a winner" when they are evaluating players. I ask again...why is this a surprise? Don't you want someone on your team who IS A WINNER? Isn't the point of competing to have a winner and loser? Am I missing something?

Anyways, Vince is done for now, but I have to say, he took us on another fantastic ride. I love this man.

Chapter Four: Bowl Day

In a moment of pure stupidity, I had my parents book my trip back to DC for the biggest bowl day of the year. Doh!!! It wasn't as bad as I thought though... I got to see pretty much all of the Cotton Bowl and enough of the Gator Bowl. The one big game I was going to miss was the Rose Bowl so I had my roomie record it for me, and I then hoped and hoped that it wouldnt get
ruined for me.

I had an hour+ in Hotlanta and got to see the end of the 2nd and beginning of the 3rd. Great timing that for most of the time I was sitting there the game was at half time but whatevs. Did anyone else notice how freaking short Doug Flutie is? He was DWARFED by Craig James and whoever else was with him. I was embarassed for him and for his wife. I bet the guy who sent him a threatening note earlier this year after he jinxed Texas knew how small he was and was confident he could take him. Shit, I think I could take him!

When I finally got home, I caught up with Roomie and then flipped on the RB. For some reason our TV was f-ed up and it recorded the game without sound. Undeterred, I sat and watched the second half in silence. Or at least most of it until it got stupid. I have to imagine that I sounded like I had Tourettes or something yelling "F*CK YOU DWAYNE JARRETT!!" every five seconds even though it sounded like no TV was on. I really hate that guy. But I'll love
him if the Titans draft him!!

Anyways, after the game got stupid I turned it off and thought...hmmm...I wonder if OU Sucks is still on. Fourth quarter was just beginning, and as mentioned earlier, it was an AMAZING quarter of football.

(Even though these games did not occur on Bowl Day, they bare mentioning) I tried to watch Louisville/Wake but I was in a Tylenol Multi-Sympton Pill induced coma. But no pill was going to keep me from seeing ND/LSU. I'm pretty sure I read on Deadspin yesterday that ND was an 8 point favorite. Even if they were an 8 point underdogg, that's money I should have put down!!

ND's inclusion in this bowl was absolute bullsh*t. The got shellacked by USC and Michigan, and nearly (VERY NEARLY) lost to UCLA and Michigan State. I hope they are embarassed. What's even MORE embarassing is that they have now lost NINE straight bowl games. Read that number again...NINE. What a nightmare. Brady Quinn looked like ass, and that squealing sound you heard was his draft stock plummeting. Someone said something (my attention to detail is astounding) about him playing in Detroit next year. God I hope not. I don't want that weasely looking nerdbomb throwing to Roy. What's even more appalling to me is that some other idiot said at half time that "Brady Quinn was on fire" and that "Notre Dame is dominating the game offensively." I attribute this mediocrity and stupidity to the fact that all the BCS games were on Fox (except the Rose so that ABC/ESPN can continue to salivate over Pete Carroll and USC), which hasn't aired a SINGLE college game all year. How is "Brady Quinn on fire" when you keep talking about how they've turned to the running game? IDIOTS.

Okay, that's all from me. Tonite is bday party number deuce, and it's time to take off this sweater and get ho-y. Peace out.

The most incredible 10 minutes of football I've ever seen

Since Vincey in the Rose Bowl of course.

The look of disgust on the faces of those OU fans is like Christmas morning.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

100 Things

For the last four days I've found myself saying "don't forget to blog about x." So here it is: a blog entry about ecstacy. Actually since I can't even figure out how to spell it, obviously that's a bad joke. But there HAVE been a hundred things worthy of my dry wit and sensational humor, and unfortunately I've had no time and little internet connectivity.

Chapter One: The Birthday
I have a time-honored birthday tradition: go hard or go home. And hopefully, if you go home, you don't go home alone. For the last four years now, I have had some very outrageous birthday celebrations on my actual birthday. In more recent years I've developed a second birthday tradition called "If Jesus can do it, I can too" in which I celebrate my birth for the entire month, and into January (until the three kings arrive with more presents).

This year was slightly different from years past in that I celebrated in San Antonio and not Austin (only because the Alamo Bowl was the next day). I spent a nice loverly day with Sass and Ms. Case looking at wedding and bridesmaid dresses. FTP came over, and the four of us plus my parentals headed to dinner at a place I picked for it's name alone: Rita's on the River. Gotta love a pun. Ritas served margaritas in two sizes: regular and Texas-size. Since it was my birthday, I went Texas-size. Pictures are coming, but I literally think the city of Abilene (or Tuscola...) could have fit in that glass. I kept drinking and sharing and it never seemed to go down. Awesome.

After dinner we said goodbye to the parentals, and headed to a place I've always wanted to go to: Howl at the Moon. I didn't realize this until we got inside, but it's a piano bar, which is always nice and x-rated. As we showed the bouncer ids, some dude walks up and takes Sass's and is fooling around like "this doesn't look like you, blah-de-blah." She plays along and he says, "you look familar." This is where I chimed in, "she's an actress." He asks what she's been in, and I said, "I don't know if you've heard of a little film called 'Titanic.'" (This is a story we were able to maintain all nite, and Sass danced many a third class jig with many a man. It stil makes me laugh when I think about it.Guys are such idiots.)

As we start to walk in, a girl yells after us "It's $10 each." Before I could say "WTF I'M OUT OF HERE" Our new friend says he's got us covered. We all say thanks and he tells us he's part owner and he needs us to do a favor. Apparently that favor was letting him buy us a round. BEST FAVOR EVER.

When we walked into the main room, an undeniable stench hit us: Iowa fans. Apparently they'd had a pep rally there earlier, and the place was FILLED with Hawkeyes. The first thing FTP pointed out was that it meant I could get drunk and have people to yell at. That's a top five birthday present right there. As we scoped out the room, Sass, KC and I were transported back in time to our 2002 trip to Nebraska. On this trip we all agreed on one thing: Midwestern boys are hottt. You'll note that Iowa is in the midwest. So the answer to your qwestion is that yes I found some man candy, and yes I took him to the San Antonio version of Montgomery Corner. But no I didn't slut it up with him because I had to call my mom, the reverend, to come pick us up. Trust me...there is nothing less hot than saying "sorry, gotta go. my mom's out front in her Nissan Altima."

Chapter Two: The Alamo Bowl

I was plenty intoxercated on my bday, but surprisingly unhungover on gameday. We got downtown about 2 hours before gametime and wandered around the fan fest. KC's boyfriend played any of game where he could "throw shit," (shit being figurative as there was no actual dung available). Our seats were not half bad (again, lots of pics coming later), and I was thankfully able to sell our extra ticket almost immediately.

The game is old news now so I won't really bore you with details. The first quarter of the game I was not having fun. In fact, I wasn't quite sure how we were able to get to half time and only be down by 4. Of course the ineligible receiver call was the game changer. We go from being maybe down 21-3 to being within four. Ubelieveable play by Mr. Aaron Ross. Later in the game when he fumbled the return (You gotta hold it like a baaaaaby!) some douche sitting down the row from us yelled "Aaron Ross YOU SUCK!" I almost, ALMOST yelled back "No, YOU SUCK!" I don't care who you are, if you know one spit about Texas you know that Aaron Ross, Thorpe Award winner, most definitely does NOT suck. Douchetard.

The Alamodome has been abandoned by the Spurs, and is mostly used now for high school foozball games, concerts, and horseshows. I don't really know if the Alamodome staff knew that a major college bowl game was about to be played there. First, the toliets on our side were not flushing. So going into the restroom was like going to a portapotty. But in a porta- at least it's hard to see the presents others have left. There's no hiding it in a regular toliet. Disgusting. Later, Sass's fiancee (which I do love saying) went to get Nachos. Almost an entire quarter later he comes back with stale chips and five jalapenos. Ridick.

As we know now, Texas won. Yeeeeeah. The fireworks and balloons were quite comparable to the confetti that fell in Pasadena last year. Not.

Coming tomorrow:
Chapter Three: Vince
Chapter Four: Bowl Day (alternate title: F*ck you Dwayne Jarrett)

The legend continues


I'm shocked. Just simply shocked. No, not that Vince won, but that Reggie Bush only got three votes. I thought he was sleeping with at least 15 members of the voting community. He must not be very good in bed.

Vince Young for president in 2008!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Do you ever feel like your brain is coming out of your ears?

That's how I feel. Steez came back to D.C. sick as a dogg. I've been working on a massive post, but I'm too ill to finish it. Please...bare with me through these dark hours.