HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Friday, December 29, 2006

My Family

It’s been a long-ass week. LONG. ASS.

But the good news is that tomorrow is my birthday. Isn’t that just GREAT!! Yeah, I think so too.

Me and the folks rolled out of bed Christmas morning and headed up to Sherman to spend the holiday with my dad’s family. His brother is really sick, so though none of us were pleased to be spending the first five hours of Christmas day in a car…together…driving…we did it.

My dad’s family is, well, different. They are all country bumpkins. I have nothing at all against country bumpkins, but since we are not, it often presents a communication barrier. It doesn’t make things better that my mom often likes to speak for us, which to me always comes out as boasting about how much better we are. “Boo is starting her last year of college…” “Steezer has been in D.C. for more than three years now…” I always sit there and think that they must all be thinking “GIVE IT A REST WOMAN!!!”

My older cousin is a major loser. He took 4+ years to finish his associates degree. There was a recent study that 99% of people have had sex by the age of 44. Though Jeremy is only 31, I am pretty confident he’ll be in that other one percent. He is completely and totally socially retarded. He talks about one thing: computers. He talks about them in a way that he assumes that everyone knows exactly what he’s talking about. My dad’s side of the family is where I got my sarcasm from, and Jeremy is plenty sarcastic. But he’s sarcastic about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. God help me, if I’m like this, someone kill me.

Me: “I think that clock is fast”
J: “How can it be fast, it doesn’t have legs”

Me: “Excuse me, I’m going to the ladies room”
J: “We’ll excuse you if we see a lady”

Me: “I wish you would shut the f*ck up”
J: “You can’t shut ‘f*ck’ up”

I can’t even tell you how many times he would be talking to me, I would think the conversation was over, I’d start talking to someone else, only to find him still talking to me. He didn’t mind that I was not even looking in his direction, or that I was SPEAKING to someone else…it was like in his brain something was saying, “Just give her time and she’ll turn her attention back to you.”

The other thing about this side of the family is that they are all slightly to moderately (maybe majorly) racist. I NEVER mention my roommate’s name because they’ll know she’s Hispanic, and they’ll have comments about that. Upon returning from seeing “Dreamgirls” (my review coming later) my aunt declared to her husband, “you wouldn’t have liked it…it was about black singers” to which he grunted. My uncle asked why I didn’t live in D.C. proper and after saying it was more expensive, someone else piped up “plus that’s where most of the blacks are.” It’s just uncomfortable to the nth degree.

Now that I’ve talked enough shit about them I will say that I love it there. We get a full on country breakfast every morning, in addition to a decent lunch and a damn fine dinner. In between meals we drink coffee, take naps and watch TV. You can’t possibly find yourself more relaxed. Since there are always creepy crawly things outside (at least there always are in my head), I rarely leave the house. It rules. My grandfather is the one I get my dry humor from. Him and I just go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… about how old and crotchety he is, how annoying and stupid I am. My mom and dad swear that no one else could get away with saying the things to him that I do. It’s just so dang fun.

On the way back to San Antone to the bone yesterday (aka as the LONGEST DAY EVER), we stopped in Dallas to have lunch some of my mom’s side of the family. You wanna talk about nite and day? The two sides of the family are like Jews and Nazis. My mom is a preacher. Her dad is a preacher. Her mom used to work for my granddad’s church. Her sister hasn’t missed Sunday school in eons. As we’re sitting there talking the subject of Joel Osteen comes up, and for the next 20 minutes, the four of them talked about different ministers at different megachurches as my dad, sister and I sat quietly and ate our quiches.

My mom’s side celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my sister had been there since she lives in Denton. My uncle surprised everyone with a 45-minute-long (!!!) slide show of photos from each of our family histories. My sister mentioned it to me and said that it was not amusing…that there was a section of very unfortunate photos of me. I’m sure it will surprise no one to hear that I was a major tomboy through most of high school. It’s not something that I now find particularly amusing or that I like to relive. I’ve changed a lot in the last 5-6 years, but unfortunately I don’t see much of the extended family anymore, so to them I’m still that person. All this made me not at all happy to have my grandparents pop in the DVD when we arrived at their house. What was even more annoying (did I mention it was more than 45 minutes long?) was that with every picture my mom or one of her parents or her sister would say “there’s Steve…there’s Tim…There’s papa…” Yes, we know who those people are…this is not a f*cking quiz show. Whereas I may have gotten my sarcasm from my dad’s side, the only thing I could have gotten from my mom’s side is a good-natured heart. And I’m still waiting for THAT to show up.

So needless to say, I’m happy to be back with just my parents who get on my nerves. I spent the day with one of my two best friends from high school, and then tonite my parents and I ran a quick trip to the mall (so I could get back and watch A&M get shellacked, which at present they are). My mom’s present to my dad was a RAZR, and she decided she should get one too…so my parents now have fancy pants phones for them to call me and my sister from and each other from. It’s pretty hilarious.

When we got home I told my mom that I really didn’t want to go over to see our neighbors who’d asked if I would come say hi. She said, “okay, I’ll see if they’ll come over here.” No. No, no, no. No more parading me out. I’m done with “visiting” with people. Plus they’re Aggies and I doubt they want to hear “Take that you f*cking bastards.”


At 7:36 PM , Anonymous Brett said...

Happy B-day Steezer!


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