HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Yup, Yup, Yup

When I woke up this morning (at 8 am, thank you very much Aunt Betty) I went downstairs and found two things: A note from my dad to my mom that said "Linda-Don't forget to leave Steez some coffee," and a note from my mom to me that said "Steez-Just pour in the water and it's ready to go."

Thank you very much for the bday wishes MOM AND DAD. JERKHEADS.

Last nite as I was trying to go to sleep I decided to watch a video on my new video ipod. What better way to ring in another year of my life than with the highlights of the 2006 Rose Bowl. How is it that almost a year later, and after having seen it a million times, I still get teary-eyed and I still get chills? Every time I see that fourth and one my ears hurt from smiling so big.

Well I'm not the only one. Time Magazine, ESPN (!!!), and Yahoo News have all named VY's performance the #1 sporting moment of the year. I was pretty sure that ESPN would still find a way/reason to give it to Reggie Bush. But they tucked their tail behind their legs and FINALLY gave us (and Vincey) some due (as an aside, during halftime of one of the Monday games they interviewed Drew Brees and asked him "So how good is Reggie Bush?" RB must be the most satisfied player in the NFL because the media never quits giving him BJs). This Sunday it's Vince v. DT in the season finale, which is like a Subway sandwich with extra meat (ya heard?). It's been a great year to be a longhorn, despite the season-ending skid. Hopefully we'll turn things around tomorrow and get a fresh start for 2007. Oh, and if anyone needs an AB ticket, me gots an extra.

My Family

It’s been a long-ass week. LONG. ASS.

But the good news is that tomorrow is my birthday. Isn’t that just GREAT!! Yeah, I think so too.

Me and the folks rolled out of bed Christmas morning and headed up to Sherman to spend the holiday with my dad’s family. His brother is really sick, so though none of us were pleased to be spending the first five hours of Christmas day in a car…together…driving…we did it.

My dad’s family is, well, different. They are all country bumpkins. I have nothing at all against country bumpkins, but since we are not, it often presents a communication barrier. It doesn’t make things better that my mom often likes to speak for us, which to me always comes out as boasting about how much better we are. “Boo is starting her last year of college…” “Steezer has been in D.C. for more than three years now…” I always sit there and think that they must all be thinking “GIVE IT A REST WOMAN!!!”

My older cousin is a major loser. He took 4+ years to finish his associates degree. There was a recent study that 99% of people have had sex by the age of 44. Though Jeremy is only 31, I am pretty confident he’ll be in that other one percent. He is completely and totally socially retarded. He talks about one thing: computers. He talks about them in a way that he assumes that everyone knows exactly what he’s talking about. My dad’s side of the family is where I got my sarcasm from, and Jeremy is plenty sarcastic. But he’s sarcastic about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. God help me, if I’m like this, someone kill me.

Me: “I think that clock is fast”
J: “How can it be fast, it doesn’t have legs”

Me: “Excuse me, I’m going to the ladies room”
J: “We’ll excuse you if we see a lady”

Me: “I wish you would shut the f*ck up”
J: “You can’t shut ‘f*ck’ up”

I can’t even tell you how many times he would be talking to me, I would think the conversation was over, I’d start talking to someone else, only to find him still talking to me. He didn’t mind that I was not even looking in his direction, or that I was SPEAKING to someone else…it was like in his brain something was saying, “Just give her time and she’ll turn her attention back to you.”

The other thing about this side of the family is that they are all slightly to moderately (maybe majorly) racist. I NEVER mention my roommate’s name because they’ll know she’s Hispanic, and they’ll have comments about that. Upon returning from seeing “Dreamgirls” (my review coming later) my aunt declared to her husband, “you wouldn’t have liked it…it was about black singers” to which he grunted. My uncle asked why I didn’t live in D.C. proper and after saying it was more expensive, someone else piped up “plus that’s where most of the blacks are.” It’s just uncomfortable to the nth degree.

Now that I’ve talked enough shit about them I will say that I love it there. We get a full on country breakfast every morning, in addition to a decent lunch and a damn fine dinner. In between meals we drink coffee, take naps and watch TV. You can’t possibly find yourself more relaxed. Since there are always creepy crawly things outside (at least there always are in my head), I rarely leave the house. It rules. My grandfather is the one I get my dry humor from. Him and I just go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… about how old and crotchety he is, how annoying and stupid I am. My mom and dad swear that no one else could get away with saying the things to him that I do. It’s just so dang fun.

On the way back to San Antone to the bone yesterday (aka as the LONGEST DAY EVER), we stopped in Dallas to have lunch some of my mom’s side of the family. You wanna talk about nite and day? The two sides of the family are like Jews and Nazis. My mom is a preacher. Her dad is a preacher. Her mom used to work for my granddad’s church. Her sister hasn’t missed Sunday school in eons. As we’re sitting there talking the subject of Joel Osteen comes up, and for the next 20 minutes, the four of them talked about different ministers at different megachurches as my dad, sister and I sat quietly and ate our quiches.

My mom’s side celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my sister had been there since she lives in Denton. My uncle surprised everyone with a 45-minute-long (!!!) slide show of photos from each of our family histories. My sister mentioned it to me and said that it was not amusing…that there was a section of very unfortunate photos of me. I’m sure it will surprise no one to hear that I was a major tomboy through most of high school. It’s not something that I now find particularly amusing or that I like to relive. I’ve changed a lot in the last 5-6 years, but unfortunately I don’t see much of the extended family anymore, so to them I’m still that person. All this made me not at all happy to have my grandparents pop in the DVD when we arrived at their house. What was even more annoying (did I mention it was more than 45 minutes long?) was that with every picture my mom or one of her parents or her sister would say “there’s Steve…there’s Tim…There’s papa…” Yes, we know who those people are…this is not a f*cking quiz show. Whereas I may have gotten my sarcasm from my dad’s side, the only thing I could have gotten from my mom’s side is a good-natured heart. And I’m still waiting for THAT to show up.

So needless to say, I’m happy to be back with just my parents who get on my nerves. I spent the day with one of my two best friends from high school, and then tonite my parents and I ran a quick trip to the mall (so I could get back and watch A&M get shellacked, which at present they are). My mom’s present to my dad was a RAZR, and she decided she should get one too…so my parents now have fancy pants phones for them to call me and my sister from and each other from. It’s pretty hilarious.

When we got home I told my mom that I really didn’t want to go over to see our neighbors who’d asked if I would come say hi. She said, “okay, I’ll see if they’ll come over here.” No. No, no, no. No more parading me out. I’m done with “visiting” with people. Plus they’re Aggies and I doubt they want to hear “Take that you f*cking bastards.”

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Man meat for Steez on Chritsmas Eve

"What's that Tom Brady? You need a touchdown? Okay, go ahead and throw it to me. I'm pretty much the shit. Oh, and you're looking for a new girlfriend? You should call this girl Steezy I know...I'd date her, but unfortunately I'm married to some goody-two-shoes."

"Hello City of Buffalo. My name is Vince. Some people call me Vincent Motherf*cking Young. But you can just call me master. I don't know if you've heard, but I'm kind of a big deal. And I win games. A LOT of games. So go suck it bitches."


Check up on it.

Planet Earth knows it's true...oo-oo-oo...

Christmas Eve gift

We used to play this dumb game in my family where you had tried to be the first one to yell "(insert holiday) gift!" at someone. I never won which is why I probably hated it.

Back in SA as of last nite. It was a long ass day, starting with the breakage of my luggage as I pulled it off my bed to take out to the cab. My parents gave me new luggage for Christmas last year because with my new job I expected to be traveling a lot (and I have...Pittsburgh and NYC....BOOYA). When FTP and I arrived in LA for the Rose Bowl, said luggage had been shredded. It's basically shit. But I digress.

Check in took forfrigginever (during which time I snapped at my mom twice), but then I met Sally for a few minutes to give her her Christmass present...the Christmas present in my other bag at home.

Anyways, once I was in the air it was pretty uneventful. This month's issue of Vanity Fair is one of the best I've ever read, and because articles in that magazine are short novels, it took me the entire trip to get through it. On my leg from Hotlanta to San Antone to the Bone the woman sitting next to me stared at me the entire time. I could feel her eyes on me the ENTIRE TIME. When I put down VF to do a crossword puzzle, she watched as I did that. Finally I looked over at her, she looked up at me and then turned toward the window and "slept." For about 15 minutes until she was back in my face again. Don't make the Steezer cut a bitch.

After pounding back a Cabana Bowl last nite, I woke up this morning to an empty house. My parents were apologetic, but both had to work. What's really great is that I can't go anywhere since I don't have a vehicle here. It really is awesome. They were kind enough to make me a fresh pot of shitty coffee, which I had a few sips of while having the Express News remind me of the five reasons why the longhorns are playing in my home town. What happened next was awesome. The downstairs toliet flooded. Thankfully it wasn't because I'd left it a twosie, it just wouldnt stop running. I finally got it to stop after aboug five minutes, and with about an inch of standing water on the floor. It took every towel in the house and a few more from the garage to get it all soaked up. While going back and forth from the garage, my dog Rocky came inside the house. Rocky is a 14-year-old miniature dachshund. He's OLD. And in typical old man fashion, he just goes to the bathroom when he pleases. So after finally finishing the mess in the bathroom, I discovered a new mess in the living room.

Yep, it's good to be home.

One last note...I have counted five nativity scenes in my house and there are too many angels to count. I'd guess more than 25. My mom is really trying to save my soul. TOO LATE!!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Poetry man...it's f-ing beautiful

I love spam. Really, I do. What I especially love is when I get emails from the future...like the one I deleted this morning from Jan. 15, 2018. I always read it and make note of its contents so in the future I can say "yeah honey, I knew I'd be shopping for male disfunction medicine for you because I got an email from the future back in 2006." It'll make him love me even more.

Anyways, I got a really funny piece of spam yesterday.

Subject: Your flageola
Body: Another clap of thunder shook the windows, and the stormy ceiling
flashed, illuminating the golden plates as the remains of the first
course vanished and were replaced, instantly, with puddings.

I didn't make note of the sender before deleting, but if i could do a little future pontificating myself, I'd say they're in store for a Peabody someday.

Only four more days 'til Dreamgirls! Booyashocka!!


Nov. 2000: Hanging and pregnant chads in Florida leave the presidential
election in suspense for more than a month. The Supreme Court finally
declares Bush the winner. Two years later he starts a war in Iraq (that is
"Mission Accomplished" only a few months later) and that war wages today (at
least I think it does...)

Nov. 2002: Krazy Katherine Harris is elected to Congress. She later runs an
awesome trainwreck of a Senate campaign during which time she is pictured
with panthers, old people, and declares that "all of my life I have stopped
for turtles."

Jan. 2006: A (sober Steezy) trip to Buffalo Billiards to watch Texas/OU
bball gets ugly when "Pants" decides to attempt to break a record for most
words spoken in two hours. The evening becomes the moment when a
sometimes-fun acquaintance becomes a sworn enemy, and the state of Florida
officially becomes known in my mind as Whore-ida.

Dec. 2006: John Brantley changes his commitment from Texas to Florida. It's
almost too perfect as he'll take Adrian Peterson's place on my list of
traitors and people to wish ill will toward.

Brantley decided he wanted to stay close to home. What a f*cking crybaby.
Oh mommy, mommy...I can't go without seeing you every week and eating your
lima beans. In my mind though, this can't help but be linked to the disaster
that was the end of our season. Last nite after reading the official word
from the turd, I just got so depressed (thank God our bball team pulled out
a W or I would have slit my wrists). I started to think we were at the
beginning of a slide into another dark era of Texas football. I realize I'm
being dramatic, but I think now more than EVER it's imperative that we beat
Iowa in the Alamobowl. I don't think I could take the ridicule if we didnt.

Until then...Brantley can go suck an egg.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Tandom Wopic Rednesday: Chocolate

I got the afternoon off today as a birthday/Christmas present from my boss. Before leaving I loaded up my bag to bring home the five baggies of candy and chocolate and cookies that people have given me for Christmas.

And I hope my roommate eats it all.

Every now and then I find myself craving a cookie or a candy bar or something. But for the most part, I don't like sweets. So Christmas is a painful time because people keep shoving it down my throat. "Did you like my cookies!? Did you like my cookies!? DID YOU LIKE MY COOKIES!?"


The worst part about not liking sweets is that people act it's the equivalent of supporting Nazi Germany. "Whoooooo doesnt like chooooocolate?" ME FUCKER! And I'm about a hundred times cooler than you are on a good day!! So cram it up your cram hole!

People in my office also think that offering me Hersheys Kisses will make me, like, so excited to attend their long boring-ass meeting. If you want me to be happy about going to your long boring-ass meeting, give me beer. Give me a sandwich. Give me a plate full of pickle spears. But, with the exception of a burrito, if it's wrapped in foil, i don't want it.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


I realize my postingage has been spotty and sporadic of late, much like my
love life. Apologies to all seven of you. Since last Tuesday I have had an
"extracuricular assignment" that I had to finish by this morning. It's a
project I spent...oh, I don't know, about 400 friggin hours on. This morning
as I was reading it...one...last...time...I thought to myself "wow, if I
didn't know any better I'd probably think this was done in an hour." Great.

Anyways, here's hoping I get a good "grade" on the project and get a new
lease on life early in 2007. If you know what I mean.

First thing this morning the news out of Austin was that Jevan had decided
to transfer to Ole Miss. I think that's great. I really, really do. Actually
I could give a shit. The article says he's eligible to play in 2008, and at
the same time Ole Miss will be looking to fill a QB vacancy. I know I
shouldnt hate, but I hope that some other hot sh!t recruit comes in and
beats him out for the starting spot, forcing him to transfer yet again. HA!

Apparently Ole Miss's coach is quite a character (i.e. backwoods hick). I
don't remember how I came across this link, but it's hilarious. Though it is
seemingly written in another language, just sound it out it it'll make
sense. It may give you a headache, but well worth it!


If you were a college football bowl, which would you be

I actually think I'd be the Cotton. Who doesn't love cotton? You may forget about cotton because it's always there, but every time you think about it you're like "DAMN! I do love cotton!"

Monday, December 18, 2006

Okay just so we're clear...

Britney Spears has been voted the worst dog-owner.

I am starting think maybe K-Fed SHOULD get custody of the kids. At least when they're bad he can punish them by making them listen to his album.

In the record books

Yesterday Vincey tied Dan Marino and Kerry Collins (whose place he took as a
starter) for most wins by a rookie quarterback. God wants Vince Young to win
so much that he give them a victory with only 8 complete passes (for 95
yards), and four yards rushing. I heard someone say on TV that there is no
team in the NFL having more fun right now than the Tennessee Titans, and
that's the g-d troof.

In other NFL-related news, Corco and I are in the midst of a major pillow
fight in our Fantasy Foozball playoffs. Going into tonite's game, I'm up
28-18. Winner earns the right to get their ass kicked by the girl who has
Ladianian Tomlinson (TEXAS BOY!) and Drew Brees. Corco has already expressed
his displeasure with himself after having asked both her and I to play,
since we're like the girls win the NCAA tourney bracket because we liked a
team's mascot. I don't know jack-diddles about the NFL.

And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that a certain "boy" of
mine had three catches for New England yesterday. I hear his wife is
cheating on him. Just saying.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

It's a war...on Christmas movies

I don't like "It's a Wonderful Life." Sue me. It's friggin long and it's really depressing until the end. I realize that's like saying that I don't like words, but I don't care. I used to enjoy "Miracle on 34th Street" but I'm over it. In fact at the moment I'd say there are only three Christmas movies I like. And I don't really like them...I really love them.

1. Elf. Will Ferrell. I need say no more. I really think this movie could become in 10 years what "A Christmas Story" is today. The last 20 minutes or so get annoying, but overall it's family fun for the whole...well, family.

And speaking of elves, check this out.

2. A Christmas Story. My sister HATES this movie, and gets annoyed every single Christmas when it's on TNT for 24 hours straight. We always put it on after opening presents and keep it on until it's time to eat. A couple years ago she got "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" on DVD from Santa, and tried to sneak it into the DVD player. As my mom is walking down the stairs we hear her say "Since when did this movie get so loud?" Caught red-handed BEEYOTCH!! I'll shoot your eye out if you pull that sh*t this year!

3. Love Actually. Sure, it's not your traditional ho, ho, ho Christmas movie, but it should count for something that it takes place at Christmas. I own it, though you wouldnt know that because my roommate watches it in her room about once a week. Seriously.

The rest of the Christmas movies can go to hell. I'll take any of the traditional TV specials (Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown) over any of the traditional movies. I'LL DO IT. For further holiday enjoyment, enjoy this

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Randoms Topics Wednesdays: Procrastinations

I'm seriously avoiding doing something right now, which means that there is something seriously important I need to tell you, my seven loyal readers. Today on ew.com Sleeezak (who may be the only person on the planet more excited about Dreamgirls than me) posted his top ten most played songs from his iPod. Much like me, three of the top ten were from B'Day (though he only just got his iPod right before that album came out, so i can hold off on shopping for white dresses). Anyways, here are my top ten most played:

10. Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Stevie Wonder
9. Midnight Train - Guy Forsyth
8. Irreplaceable - Beyonce
7. So Damn Lucky - Dave Matthews (sans band)
6. Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
5. Get Me Bodied - Beyonce
4. Tired of Being Alone - Al Green
3. Do It To It - Cherish
2. God is a DJ - Pink
1. SOS - Rihanna

It's weird that there's no Jack or Coldplay on there, but all of those songs (minus the ones from B'Day) are on my "Latest and Greatest" playlist, which I listen to on the metro and at the gym, so they get heavy rotation for that reason. I don't know about you, but Jack doesnt make me wanna get my heart pumpin. I just this very moment downloaded MJB "No More Drama." Love that sh*t.

Hmmmmm...what else can I do to kill time until I decide it's too late to start on this thing....

ESPN/AP are reporting that Matt McCoy is practicing at the #1 QB spot. That's just flippin' fantastic. No seriously...I'm VERY happy about that. EXTREMELY. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic.

Lots of people on the message boards are saying that we should just hand the game to Iowa on a platter, rather than get Colt hurt or embarass the program (like two straight losses to unranked teams wasn't embarassing). Here's what I find ironic: we're playing in the Alamo Bowl. You know, as in "Remember the..." As in a 13-day-without-any-back-up stand versus thousands of Mexican soldiers. Maybe it's just cuz I'm from San Antonio, but I happen to know that there weren't quitters or non-believers at the Alamo. Sure, they still lost, but look what came from that loss! We got to be our own country! So the way I see it, Longhorns win the Alamo Bowl, season doesn't seem like a total wash; Longhorns lose the Alamo Bowl, University of Texas becomes its own country (AND we get to ditch the satelite schools...or maybe just UTD. I hate those cocky, brainwashed, living-at-home buggers).

Win-Win!! Woooooo!

Breaking news: Jevan is transfering to the Texas School for the Blind and Visually Impaired where they won't mock him for his STILL UNFORTUNATE HAIR CUT.

Last but not feast (that's right, I said feast), is this lil tid from Sally.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


(Before I go any further, to find the above picture I did a google search for "drunk Santa" and I found seeeeeveral pages with this image. Disturbing. And now hopefully it will disturb your dreams too.)

Aaaaaaanyhoot, tonite I once again talked myself out of going to finish my Christmas shopping. Feeling bad about that on the way home I started to think about what I was going to get certain people, which led me to think about what I wish I could give other people. That list was really easy:

FTP: A "doctor" (that's almost too easy)
Yatesie: A baby of her own so she'll quit bugging her sister
The Bear: A REAL mean streak and a bad attitude
Sally: A package of four get-out-of-jail free cards so she could slit some people's throats
Super Fan: A defibrillator for when he either gives himself a heart attack from cheering or smoking a pack an hour
Roomie: The ability to put me on mute when I either start telling one of my famous too-long-and-too-many-details stories or when I attempt to dispense relationship/boy advice
Heathpie: My actual attendance at one of her parties
My sister: Jenny Craig (I realize that's mean, but she doesn't read this, and she's gained the Junior Year 40)
Brett: FTP's bed
Despair: A cure for all STD's
Pants: A nice sandwich d'knuckles
FB: Some friggin' dignity (that or or a clue)
Sooner boy: A swift kick to the testes
Dave & Mealz: Alamo Bowl tix so they would hate me less
Sassypants: a fiance (oh wait, I'm a month or so late for that)
KC & Timmy: A house that doesn't smell like the deuce
Merril Hoge: a nice graveyard plot
David Thomas: a divorce
PB: This

Additions to come later. Suggestions for me should go in the comments.

Further evidence that white girls caint dance

This is just wrooooong...and I can't wait to hit the clubs and do it. I feel like the girl in the middle could be my sister. But I know it's not because she wouldnt be caught dead in a Reggie Bush jersey.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Vince is the word

Last post on Vince for like another 24 hours, I swear.

I was at the gym tonite reading the Bible (i.e. Entertainment Weekly) and something struck me. A few weeks ago they did a feature on a group of people who are Barbara Streisand fanatics, and in the current issue they have a couple reader mail items about that article. One of them said, "As I like to say, Moses only got to see God once--I've seen her five times." (and for the assholes in the crowd, no, it was not my dad who wrote the letter).

Anyways, that sentiment is kind of how I feel about my (our) boy Vincent Motherf$cking Young. How lucky were we to get to watch Vince every Saturday in the fall for more than two years? Most teams hope they have a qb who can perform that consistently for just part of a season. Maybe just a single game. Vincent Motherf$cking Young was clutch every time out. Two Rose Bowls. Two come-from-behinds vs. OK State. One come from behind vs. Ohio State. I'll be telling my kids about the seasons we spent watching VY. I will not, however, tell them about the things VY and I did in my head.

Update: I forgot to mention that while I was at the gym I was watching Sportscenter just so I could see the game highlights. When they showed them, one of the commentators said "Vince Young wins games," to which someone else (I think Steve Young) said "who cares if he wins games?"

Um, Steve, this isn't a f*cking quilting circle. The point of the game, and actually any sport, is to win. It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you do. So why don't you cram it up your cram-hole and go fix your toupee.

More on Vincey

Picture and video stolen from some dudes on Hornfans. Thanks strangers.

Also, go read PB's diary of his day in H-town (part one, part two). I'm so jealous. It's kind of like what last December 10th should have been like...a victory over Duke in the morning and a Heisman for Vince in the evening. I'll curse JJ Redick and Reggie Bush until the day they die (which will hopefully be soon...just waiting for the check to clear).

Sunday, December 10, 2006


Holy fucking Christ.

That's what Vince Young is. He's the second coming. I don't think any fan of Texas would disagree. And if they did, I'd slit their throats and break their tibias.

This morning I went to my friendly neighborhood attorney's choir concert at the Natl Gallery. I texted the Bear, who I knew was at work, to see if he'd like to take a break for a late lunch to catch at least some of the Texans/Titans game at ESPN Zone. He was, of course, thrilled.

Not that I should be surprised, but ESPN Zone was on a 75 minute wait, and told me they were not showing Vince on ANY of the screens. Mark this as the last time I EVER go to ESPN Zone. Bear and I roll over to the bar that took the place of Coyote Ugly. I only agreed to go because it was still light outside. We walk in and they don't have the game on. When we ask they say that their tvs are wired badly and in order to change one tv, it changes 3, so we're basically s-o-l. Sometimes I dont know why baby jesus hates me.

Not wanting to move again, we decided to stay and settle for game updates. About the same time, CBS showed an extended shot of David Thomas, and my nethers twittered just like they always do.

So after about 45 minutes, a guy in the corner leaves, and the barkeep tells us he can hook us up on that tv. There were 2 minutes left. And you know what that means....Vincent Young time baby!!!

First off, the Texans were pansies to run out the clock. I won't pretend to agree with that decision. Second, I hate the NFL overtime rules. It usually comes down to who wins the coin toss, and I just think that's crap.

On 3rd and 14, Bear said, "What do you think? VY scramble for 15 yards?" and I said, "sounds about right to me." I don't need to say what happened. What I do need to say is that I think the last time I felt that kind of elation was Jan 4, 2006. I had really hoped the game would be a blow out, but I don't think a better ending could have been scripted. And Vince was just so happy. I wanted to run up and hug him myself (and maybe more). At one point he pointed to the turf and yelled something, and I have to believe he was saying "YOU COULD HAVE HAD ME BITCHES!!!"

At this point, Bear and I were literally the only two people still in the bar (yeah, that place has a GREAT chance of surviving...especially considering the owner told us they didn't toss two people last nite that were having sex in a bathroom stall. You can stay if you're getting your swirl on, but not if you're peeing in the stairwell. That aint right!). We continued to scream and high five and explain how Vince Young was our baby daddy (okay, maybe just mine). The announcer said "this guy just refuses to lose." And ultimately, that's what it comes down to. Talk to me about his mechanics and all that other bullshit. But when the game is on the line, there is no person I'd rather have behind center. He refuses to lose. I think that's the one element that was missing from our team this year. I used to find myself muttering "on your shoulders, Vince" a lot last year, without really thinking about it. And VInce put us on his shoulders without really thinking about it. And it was a damn good ride.


Now I have to get ready for ANOTHER goddam holiday party. Nothing to wear. I need a personal dresser. Peace out bitches.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Cold sweats

I've been on detox since Saturday nite, and my body is going into failure without booze. I can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up sweating. I can't focus at work. I went to Trader Joes tonite and almost passed out walking by a beer display on my way to check out. I'm a jittery person most of the time, but for the last five days I've been pounding my toe against the ground (instead of just tapping). And just because God likes to mess with me (see Sooner love story) right now, locked in my office, is all the alcohol for our staff holiday party next week. "Oh, Stephanie, you're leaving early...let's just put these three boxes of the good stuff in YOUR office." GREAT idea. GREAT. I'm THRILLED.

Being sober is sooooo lame. L-A-M-E.

I think you can join me in thanking god that this all ends tomorrow. CMart is coming to town for his bday, and then I have three Christmas parties and a concert to be at the rest of the weekend. You gotta love the holidays!!

Despite (or maybe because of) my alcoholism, I'm a major gym addict. Every weekend I plan out my week to figure out which nights I can go to the gym after work, or if there are days I can get there during lunch (in particular of course for Hans' class tomorrow). It should be noted that I plan gym visits around happy hours, not the other way around. Anyway, as I planned out my gym time this week I realized that I could go at any time I wanted to on Saturday. No "College Gameday" dilemma. No big-game-of-the-day dilemma. No Longhorn game.

And you know, I gotta say...not that broken up about it.

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT happy football season is over. But this season there just wasn't so much to get excited about (nationally I mean...not just in regards to Texas). The Heisman race has been locked up for months. No need for signs outside of the Nokia Theater reading "Go Home Pretty Boys, we like 'em YOUNG" or "Reggie Bush still aint cured cancer so quit acting like he did." The whole Michigan/Florida debate is just aggravating...Bob Loblaw, Bob Loblaw, Bob Loblaw. Maybe it's just because I've felt like our season ended months ago. The last "real" game I watched was OSU on Nov. 4, more than a month ago (recall here that I missed KSU and that the team that played A&M were not my longhorns...looked like them, but they were not my longhorns).

I suppose we've just gotten too used to the BCS excitement. I'll never forget being on a bus back from NYC when CMart called to say we landed in the Rose Bowl. I'll never forget watching said Rose Bowl in the middle of the nite in London. And I'm pretty sure I'll never forget being nervous before last year's Big 12 Championship that we'd crash and burn (final score: 3000-3). I did however forget about last year's Rose Bowl. What happened there again?

There really isn't a defining memory from this season. There are plenty of story lines, but no single memory. Kind of sad. But maybe I'm just depressed because I'm sober*.

*My drinking problem has been greatly exaggerated. Please, no one call Rev. Steez. She worries too much already. I BEG YOU! I'll get help! I swear! This time will be different!!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Texans...it's time to pay

Vincey plays the Houston Texans in H-town this weekend, and I just read that the Texan D has been practicing their flexibility when bending over. It's kind of like an extra longhorn game for the season, since one has to believe that the stands will be FILLED with burnt orange. I highly doubt we'll get the pleasure of seeing the game here on the east coast (and I'll be at one of three holiday parties because I am so effing popular).

Because MTV and VH1 play the same five g-d videos every morning (Fergilicious, My Love, The Fray, Snow Patrol, Hinder), I've started watching Sportscenter in the a.m. It's also a nice morning sports update since the Daily Quickie left ESPN.com. Man I wish I still had my daily quickie. Silence. Anyways, this morning they talking fantasy foozball, and put Vince on the list for a pick-up. He's available in 96% of espn.com leagues. I got him. He's mine. I'm so effing awesome.

I'm not feeling 100% inspired today. So instead, here are a bunch of fun links. I'm so effing original.

Fall Weddings
Hoge/Vincey Mash-up
Cheapest Shot of the Year

and last but not least


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tequila May Cause Pregnancy

Courtesy Yatesie

Random Topic Tuesday: Documentaries

I guess I've realized that I'm a closeted documentary fan. I'm not ashamed of it or anything. But I swear to f*cking god if you mock me I'll slit your throat.

With that out of the way, I just finished watching "March of the Penguins." It was enjoyable. I was more bewilderfied about how humans were able to a)tolerate the weather and b)get so close to the penguins without getting their knees pecked and their eyeballs eaten. We recently opened an exhibit about Antarctica at work (and oddly enough, a loooooooot of the press release seemed to be drawn from the movie script....hmm.....) and at the opening a woman told me emperor penguins can be as tall as 4 feet. That is pretty much as tall as Danny Devito's penguin character in "Batman Returns." The thought of those things waddling up to me, their head at my chest level....gives me the friggin willies.

As good as "March of the Penguins" was, it's not in my top five. First and foremost, many props to "Hoop Dreams" which ultimately I think started my whole fascination. Despite the fact that the movie is about 10 hours long, I think I've seen it at LEAST a dozen times. I think it came out during my days as a 7th grade basketball superphenom, which explains some of that. In a similar vein the ESPN doc from last year called "Through the Fire" about Sebastian Telfair (of the Portland Trailblazers) was pretty rad. Not in the same playing field as Hoop Dreams, but still pretty good.

(as an aside, as I type this I'm listening to the just-released-today movie soundtrack to Dreamgirls...have I mentioned I'm excited for this movie? 20 days!)

It's ironic that having said "Hoop Dreams" is my favorite, that my second fave is also a sports doc..."Spellbound." Because spelling is a sport, right? This movie + the Akeelah movie + a recent bway musical have all resulted in sort of a spelling bee heyday here in the old U-S-A. But I've been kind of a spelling bee geek for a lot more years than that. This one's a good one because the kids are so nerdy, you can't help but love 'em ("Does this sound like a musical robot"), and you get all wrapped up in the consonants of it all. HA.

Others on the top of my list: Wordplay (crosswords), Mad Hot Ballroom (ballroom dancing for NYC elementary school kids), Super Size Me (McDonalds...which subsequently made me really want McDonalds), and Word Wars (Scrabble). Netflix that shit bitches.

And just to take a moment to brag, this is where I was all morning.

Monday, December 04, 2006

familar face

I was looking on youtube to find the clip of the ESPN commercial the earlier post title referenced and instead came across this:

Hello, boyfriend...

Email conversation with my mom:

Steez: Just so you know, I bought Alamo Bowl tickets yesterday, and several
people are going to crash at our house the night before the game

Rev Steez: I wasn't sure if you would go or not since it is JUST the Alamo
Bowl. San Antonio is happy even if UT is not.

Steez: Do you know me at all?

Rev Steez: I knew it was your boys and you follow them. But you tend to
turn down your nose at San Antonio. So I just wondered...

Steez: You owe me extra Christmas presents for that one.

Without Sports, This Wouldn't Be Disgusting

Well. Well. Well.

It was another one of thooooose weekends. FTP was in town, Sally had a
party, USC lost, and I went into liver failure.

I'm going to skip over Friday nite, because that could be an entirely
different post in and of itself, and focus on Saturday. After a busy morning
in the president's home and at the oldest restaurant in the city, FTP and I
met Super Fan at Bottom Line to watch the bball game and the afternoon's
string of football. We walk in and Super fan plops down at a row of stools.
What he has yet to notice is that the guy sitting next to us is in an Adrian
Peterson jersey, wearing an OU knit cap, and has an OU coozie on his beer.

Now if we had any sense, we would have gotten up and moved to the otherside
of the bar. When we told him we were all longhorns, he was just as disgusted
with us as we were with him. He hated Texas just as much as I hate OU, which
to me just doesn't seem possible...what's there to hate about Texas?

Sooner fan was not your average ignorant trailer-park living Oklahomian. He
was a mildly-amusing heckler, and for the next 4 hours that we were at the
bar, he and I just went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. He
went to the bathroom and took his coozied beer with him because he was
afraid of what we'd do to it...he did leave behind his phone and we took a
picture of Super Fan's shirt and left it for him. He in turn grabbed me on
more than one occasion and tried to force his sooner cap on me (while I
screamed "NO IT BURNS MY SKIN!!!"). He was surprisingly knowledgeable about
things other than auto repair and squirrel hunting (and by that I mean
knowledgeable about football and that's about it). He really loved seeing us
get the sh*t beat out of us by Gonzaga. He was probably the most likeable
asshole I've ever met.

Bottom Line closed at 7 for a private party, and Sooner fan invited us to
go with him to an all-you-can drink party down the street at another bar to
watch the Big 12 game. He was as appalled by the fact that he'd be watch the
OU game with a bunch of longhorns as we were to be watching it with him. But
we followed him nonetheless, and because he seems to know EVERYONE, Super
Fan of course knew the owner of the bar we landed at. The party didn't start
for another hour, but they hooked us up anyway.

So already having been drinking Miller Light for 4 hours, we continued on.
Sally texted me asking what we were doing for dinner, and I responded that
we were drinking it. As the Miller Light continued to flow, Sooner fan and I
start getting a little more friendly. And a little more friendly. And still
more. It was like Romeo and Juliet. (did I mention he was a personal
trainer...his rock hard abs starts to make it better, right?) During this
whole period I'm texting with my friends back in Austin and they're telling
me "Don't go there!" "You'll hate yourself!" and (my favorite) "You will
NEVER live this down."

Regardless, I'm 100 sheets to the wind, and the internal debate is raging.
I've said on about 300 occasions that I would NEVER date a Sooner. If I met
Mr. Right and he said "Boomer Sooner" that I'd turn around and never look
back. But we're not talking about dating here, right? It's also funny to me
that I had no moral dilemma about going home with him, just a sports
psychology dilemma. What karmic effect would this have on the universe? How
would this effect Colt's recovery time? Could this cost us the Gator Bowl?
And seriously, can I handle not ever being able to live this down?

HOME WITH A SOONER!?" FTP was already at home having fallen asleep at the
bar while I told her repeatedly to "just wait til the Rutgers game is over
and I'll go with you" (though I'm sure it was not as coherent as that).
Super Fan was all for it because he couldnt go home with the guy (the two of
them developed a serious man crush on each other over the course of our 9
hours of drinking).

So as I'm weighing all of this, I've gone up to 110 sheets to the wind, and
at long last decide to leave with him. Ultimately I figured if things went
badly, I could just steal something from him or break a valuable. We're
about to leave and I say I have to run to the bathroom.

And that's where God (and biology) intervened.

The end.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Thinking about Trojans

Usually I don't pop over to Wonkette until I'm done with my coffee...kind of a "no ass-f*cking talk before caffeine" personal rule. This morning I found myself there earlier than usual, and found a fantastic piece of wonderment. For the uninitiated, the web site Late Night Shots is a social network that is open by invitation only. Most of the members are mommy and daddy lovers, and Wonkette's intern trolls it every week and they do a long post the most hilarious exchanges on its message board. And this one, just takes the freaking cake. Pure hilarity.

On a different Trojan note, naturally tomorrow is the big UCLA/USC game. The stud in my office is a Bruin (he swam there...that's all I'm saying...) and feels like they might legitimately have a chance. But I just realized something earlier. Let's say USC wins, and goes to its FOURTH FREAKING national title game. You gotta think no one is going to be rooting for them, right? I mean, regardless of anything, people just have to be sick of those mofos, right?


You best believe that Michigan fans will be rooting for USC. Even though USC will have knocked them out of the NC game, there taint no way a Wolverine would ever be caught cheering for a Bucknut. Kind of like when I rooted for USC in 2004 when they spizanked the Sooners, who had just lost the Big 12 championship, keep Texas out of a BCS bowl for the hundreth time. Anyways, it just an ironical piece of irony that Michigan will be cheering for the very team that screwed them over. Because I do think Michigan is the better team. As I did last week with the USC/ND game, if it ends being OSU/USC in Glendale, I'm going to cheer for a catastrophe.

FTP and Heez are in town for the weekend. We weaseled onto some chick's White House tour tomorrow and she sent us this list of things not to bring:

Handbags, book bags, backpacks, purses, food and beverages of any kind, strollers, cameras, video recorders or any type of recording device, tobacco products, personal grooming items (make-up, hair brush or comb, lip or hand lotions, etc.), and pointed objects (pens, knitting needles, etc.), aerosol containers, guns, ammunition, fireworks, electric stun guns, mace, martial arts weapons/devices, or knives of any size. The U.S. Secret Service reserves the right to prohibit any other personal items.


That is all.

Also, those of you who are my friends should bookmark Jan. 4 for my official D.C. birthday celebration. Though it is a Thursday, making for a potentially VERY painful day of work, it is also the one-year anniversary of the Greatest. Day. Ever., and I think we could all use a pick me up. I also probably won't think of my actual birthday as the 26th anniversary of my birth, but instead as the one-year anniversary of the day I got Rose Bowl tickets. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.