HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Just looking at this sent me into diabetic shock AND made me fatter

But goddam it, I bet it's delicious.

And apparently their giving 'em away tomorrow from 4-8 in Dupont. Perhaps I'll grab a donut in my ho outfit before Sally's fiesta.

Vince Young for Secretary of the UN

I sort of realize it's too early to read too much into Vince's big game last weekend. But hell, the whole frickin world is jumping on the Tony Romo bandwagon, so what the heck? By the way, I predict Romo will crash and burn this weekend (even though the Giants suck) just because he's suddenly expected to play off the charts, and the pressure will get into his brain.
You know who never let pressure get to him? Vince Young. Down by 12 with 6:42 left, in the national championship game against the greatest team EVER in their hometown with two Heisman winners? No problem. Which is why this is so hilarious (I can't even say it's infuriating because it's just so unbelievable. I think this guy must have confused Vince with Johnny Appleseed). Mr. Hodge, do you like your vomitoop with fries or onion rings?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Things I find funny

1. Ricky Gervais. If you've never listened to his podcast, their worth the $7. If you've never seen the BBC version of "The Office," I'll let you borrow them. If you haven't seen his cameos in "For Your Consideration" or "The Simpsons" even the tiniest of looks he gives leave me in stitches.

2. The fact that Ohio State is getting their asses handed to them right now. And the fact that Dick "Adult Diaper Dandy " Vitale keeps saying the Greg Odom is the best person on the OSU team, even though he's a freshman who's yet to see a second of playing time. Hype, much?

3. Miami v. Nevada in the MPC Computers Bowl in Boise, Idaho. I think I read earlier that Miami and Florida State have 12 losses between them. Awesome. Fingers crossed Florida loses this weekend as well to keep that number climbing. I hate the state of Florida. I wish it would fall into the ocean...or better yet RE-ELECT KATHERINE HARRIS!!!!!

4. This lil guy. Still.

5. Cal vs. Gaggies in the Holiday Bowl. I put the spread at 20, and I think they'll actually lose by about 40. Have you heard the term "eating crow?" I think this guy will wind up eating a hot stinking pile of regurgitated vomitoop. That's vomit mixed with poop that's been eaten and then thrown up again. Kinda like twice cooked pork.

6. Your face (Scrubs is back tomorrow!)

7. As FattyDave warned me today, looks like Jevan is bouncing. This isn't really funny considering our nickelchest situation at the moment (get it...the opposite of quarterback. come on, that shit is fun-ay), but the way things are going at the moment I just have to laugh.

I have arrived!

Yippeeee...I have an internet stalker!! BOOYA to all the bitches and hos who said I'd never make it in this crazy world. I'm going to suckle on the teet of success!!!

I actually had a serious blog freak out this morning. I realized that my link the yesterday's Post article on Arch resulted in them linking back to me in their sidebar "blogs linking to this article." It's a little sidebar that I hardly every pay heed too, but I very quickly got worried that people around the Smithy world would see the link, follow it, recognize my picture, and I'd be up shit river. Crisis somewhat averted as I erased the link and took down my picture (temporarily only...I'm so adorable in that picture I know you'll want to see it back up there asap).

I have practically nothing to do today. Or this week for that matter. I rewrote a proposal, and I've reviewed materials, but that all took about 45 minutes. As such I've spent the better part of this afternoon doing some of my own internet stalking of one Worker #3116. This has involved reading months worth of his Gawker column "The Unethicist." Absolute hilarity.

I can't believe I have another two hours of this. Then I'm headed to Continental for half-priced burgers and the first beer since my self imposed sobriety began on Saturday. Oh sweet Shiner Hefeweizen nectar...you are my Bavarian-style wheat brew master.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I think I've found it

The nastiest CVS on the planet. Corner of 7th & H, on the cusp of Chinatown. I ran in there tonite to grab a couple things, even though there is one right on my way off the metro.

Big mistake. Big. Huge.

First, as I'm walking in, there's a random dude standing in front of it asking if people need a ride and saying that he was "cheaper than a taxi." Yeah man, because I'm going to get into an unmarked car with a random dude and give him whatever money he decided to charge me, all just to save a couple of bucks. In retrospect, maybe he was offering a different kind of ride... But I digress...

I shook it off, walked inside the store and was hit with an overpowering stench of urine and garbage. Granted there are definitely some homeless in the area, but who would have thought they'd use CVA as their own personal toliet. I thought that was what the Public Library was for (ZING!). The thought "maybe I shouldnt buy food from here" ran through my mind, but I continued into the store reluctantly. I started looking for whatever, and I hear a guy say to the lady stocking the soda cooler "Um, miss, there's a dead rat over there."

She looked at him, shrugged her shoulders, and said, "yeah, we got rats."

She turned back around as the guy (and I) looked at her with bulging eyes. Sensing she'd been a bit too casual about the situation, she turned back around and said, "Sorry."

I dropped what I was holding and got the hell out of there. Disgusting.

Random Topic Tuesday: Anarchy

I got some sad news today. A good friend of my family, and surrogate family to me here in D.C., is being forced into retirement at the local NBC affiliate. It was a surprise in that I found out about it on the Post and not from Arch or his wife directly, but not a surprise in the way NBC has been operating recently. About a month ago they announced a new organizational scheme called NBC Universal 2.0, meaning they were cutting the fat. And by fat I mean, less people on the news, more people hosting game shows (please see earlier rant about "Deal or No Deal.")

So here's the problem, as explained to me on a recent episode of Studio 60 (a show I think I'm officially "over," along with this football season, TomKat, and your face): networks are owned by giant congomerates (Viacom, GE, Disney). These companies make most of their money through commercial products, and the profits made through TV are miniscule. But these big moneymongers also realize that the networks are the public face of their organization (as evidenced by the fact that I know those three companies own those three networks, but I couldnt give you a list of their other holdings). These companies aren't happy with losing money. Granted, no one ever is, but still...when you make 40 billion dollas year, is it that awful to keep a show on the air that loses a couple million so we can get some closure on characters, or to show some respect to a newscaster whose been on a station for longer than I've been alive? It's like losing a button. It's a drop in the fricking water.

So my solution to all of this (Sidenote: I just typed "ove" instead ove "of") is anarchy. There's a scene in "Stranger Than Fiction" where Will Ferrell asks Maggie Gyellenhaal if she's an anarchist. She says she is and then asks if there's a place or a group for anarchists to get together and organize. When he says yes, she says, "then it's not anarchy." Brilliant. In that spirit I'm not going to tell you how to revolt against THE MAN (though i will tell you that ceasing to bathe doesn't teach anyone a lesson). I plan to show my support for TV by watching more of it, but watching even less of commercials. I'm going to close my eyes and plug my ears and go "la-la-la-la-la-la-la." Better yet, I might just DVR EVERYTHING and fast forward through commercials. I'm going to buy groceries only at Trader Joes and Make-Up only at Clinique. I'm going to only enjoy Mexican beers (note I said "enjoy" not "drink." I'll still drink domestic beers, but I will do so only in contempt and with an ugly face).

If Texas can lose to A&M, then anything can happen in this world.

(F*cking Gaggies).

Monday, November 27, 2006


-Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans coach

So almost as if to rub salt in our wounds, Vince decided to have a career-making day yesterday, bringing the Titans back from 21-0 in the fourth quarter. Lendale White even said he was happy to be on the winning side of the Vince Young show. I've yet to see any of the game highlights (I fell asleep during SportsCenter), but I can imagine how it went down...ho-hum, break a tackle, yawn, yawn, scramble for a first down. Oh Vincey, we miss you brother.

Then today comes the news that Gene Chizik is the new head coach at Iowa State. I'm happy for him I guess. He was a pretty good DC for us, though seriously questionable at times this year. What pisses me off is that he stayed in our conference. Gene, don't make me cut a bitch.

Anyways, I'm sitting here on my couch facing another dilemma about going to the gym. I really need to go considering the run of disgustingly massive amounts I've consumed in the last seven days. But usually when I go, I go right after work and it's not a matter of getting up and walking for 15 minutes. I just can't do it captain, i don't have the power....

I did a really awesome thing earlier...I decided to clean up my computer because I think I may have a virus. And as part of that I decided it might be a good idea to delete my audio driver, so now I have no sound. I think I've found a way to fix it, but as with everything it's probably best to leave these sorts of things to the pros. Anyways, not much to say today. Still just depressed.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Could be worse

We fell to #17. I was pretty sure we'd fall out of the top 20, but we didn't. So life could be worse...like oh, say, we could be playing in the Alamo Bowl. Oh wait.

There is one tiny advantage to playing in the Alamo Bowl: I'll probably be able to go. I can't imagine it's difficult to get tickets, and since it's the nite after my birthday I'll pull the "poor me" act and make someone buy them for me. Sometimes it's really awesome to be a brat.

Saturday, November 25, 2006


I've been unable to summon the strength to leave my apt all day today, and that has allowed me a lot of time to think and reflect on this season, and about how shittily things have turned out. It's pretty much been the most roller coaster season I can remember. Before the season started one thing hung over all of our heads: a question mark. And despite the loss to OSU (which, no matter what the "pundits" say, was not a blow out...a game we could easily have won), things were lookin real good.

Then we beat OU.

That's when Colt started coming into his own. All of a sudden we're pulling off these huge comebacks that one might usually expect from a team with veteran leadership. We're in the hunt for Glendale. We're talking about Heisman. After three games that felt like heart attacks on a platter, we got a nice fun win against the thorn in our side that is Okie State. We were on the brink bitches.

And now we've lost two in a row. WTF. It was almost like the more they talked about Mack being undefeated in November and about us not having lost twice in a row in however many years and about us not having lost to A&M in six years and about us only having lost to A&M 10 times at home...it was just destined to happen.

Looking back, every year except for last year in my lifetime, we haven't played for a national championship. Every year except for last year we haven't gone undefeated. And every year except the last two years, we haven't been to a BCS bowl. So really I guess this is just a return to earth after soaring with Superman (oh my god how poetically shitty did THAT sound). It's still hard not to be upset of course, but I'm going to pick my head up, and stuff my face. Being fat always makes me feel better.

Speaking of stuffing my face, Thanksgiving was a blast. My earlier predicition about intoxication level was definitely fulfilled. The one thing I realized though about not cooking my own TDay dinner is that it means you don't get the leftovers. In a moment of "f this! my life sucks!" I went two hours ago to the store and bought a turkey and stuffing and gravy and all and it's cooking in the oven right now. Roomie and I will have our work cut out for us consuming that 13 pound turkey, but you know what...I DON'T CARE!!!

(the turkey was only $5, which means I might have to do this every year).

Like most of Longhorn Nation, I was glued to the TV for the Bedlam Series. It really does seem like that's always a close game, and this one was no different. Not to be a total sourpuss, but in some ways I'm almost glad that OU won. With Colt hurt, and our team in the dumps, I don't really want to play Nebraska a second time in what would probably have been a pseudo-home game for them. Ugh, can you imagine if we went into our bowl game with FOUR losses. Frickin Mackovick might as well be our coach if that happens. And speaking of bowl, in my depression I had a mental blip and had my parents book my trip back to D.C. for January 1. Not like that is the most fun day of college football ever. Not at all. Why me, WHHHHY!!!

Now watching USC/ND. Cheering fo ND is really awesome. Psych.

So I woke up this morning...

...and we still had lost. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Friday, November 24, 2006

mother of god

This is how i feel.

I want a victory

Allow me to take a quick break from intoixication to say that I am indeed nervous about the game. But confidently nervous. Hook 'em.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I wanna get...physical! Physical!

Okay first, this is pure hilarity.

Ohio State fans really are the absolute Worst Damn Fans in the Land. They even know it. When I was in Columbus last year, all the alums warned us post-game "Be careful tonite...the fans get real mean when we lose." And they were a freaking nightmare. I've already said I expected someone would be shot last weekend, and luckily no one was (though I am out $20. Come on God! You couldn't give me ONE GSW to the chest? Just one!!)

Despite the fact that fires were ablazin all over campus, and that 40 people were arrested (I think double the number arrested after their victory over us), the school president (the same one who apologized to Texas fans after last year's debacle) declared that the Bucknuts had been just oh-so-good this year. I have to think that they were good only comparitively to what was expected (see above). Anyways, here's one such Michigan fan's experience in Columbus last weekend. What he says about the OSU environment of Michigan hating vs. Buckeye loving sounds refreshingly familar to our friends the Gaggies.

I'm just totally over the NC discussion/debate.. I don't want Ohio State to win it all. Or USC. Or Florida. Or Notre Dame. So I'm left hoping Michigan can hang on in the BCS and then pull out the upset. I know 3-4 people here that went to Michigan, and all of them except for one are friendly lil beavers. Or Wolverines or whatever.

Yesterday I was reeeeally hoping we'd get out of work at 2 today. Turns out we got released at noon. Yeah suckah!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Random Topic Tuesday: Thanksgiving

Not my favorite of holidays, but tasty nonetheless. The most important recipe to have on this day of days is for apple pie shots, quite possibly the most delicious alcohol beverage ever. I'm pretty sure most of my friends are only still friends with me because I hold this recipe. It'll change your life (and possibly impregnate you).

But unfortunately for you, I'm not going to share it. So go to hell bitches! Have fun with your families....mwahahahaha!!

Oh balls!

I'm really immature. At the driving range on Sunday I giggled every time someone said anything about balls. This is not a surprise to anyone.

Anyhoot, earlier FattyDave sent a link to a party the Aggies are having this week in Austin called the Maroon and White Ball. The ball they're refering to is not a dance, but rather the kind of ball that induces me to giggle. Those Aggies...they're so original.


In May, FTP invited a gang of us to attend a Montana State Society event called "Testicle Festival" that her company had bought a bunch of tickets for. It's a big annual event for the society to raise money for some charity or something...I'd have to go back and look at the t-shirt to figure out which. Apparently cow balls are delicacies to people in Montana. That is really not shocking coming from a state that kept Crazy 'Ol Coot Conrad Burns in office for so long.

Now you might be asking yourself why I'd attend a festival of testicles. The answer is usually the same: open bar.

The party itself sucked. This local country western singer was performing (the only thing worse than Pat Green/Cory Morrow is a wanna-be Pat Green/Cory Morrow) and apparently when the Montana State Society says "open bar" they mean Coors Light and Crown Royal. But I have to say that if you're only going to serve one variety of liquor, Crown is not a bad way to go.

The nite before this "glorious" evening I'd been in P'Burgh for bizness, and had not had a substantial meal since a late lunch at a Dairy Queen somewhere in Pennsylvania. But I thought "surely they'll have more than just balls to offer their guests." And they did have more than balls...they also had some delicious trail mix (but there were no nuts in the trail mix...get it!? nuts!? I'm such a cleverkin!). Yes, it was one of "those" nites. FTP somehow got separated from the rest of us, who ended up at Silver Diner to get real food, and I sort of remember picking a fight with her. It's so much fun to do when she can't make a coherent argument.

On my way back from PA earlier in the day I'd talked to someone on the phone about the event and he said, "I'm not eating any balls." My response: "I guarantee you that someone in our party will consume a testicle." My co-worker who was driving threatened to write that down and post it on my office door, which I actually would have been okay with. Anyways, as expected a member of our party did in fact consume a ball. That person shall remain nameless.

Now to my point. The Montana State Soceity served the "rocky mountain oysters" as a tribute to their heritage, and to give their members a little taste of home. Seems like the Aggies are doing it to somehow hurt our feelings that they're consuming the man-hood of our beloved mascot. I can appreciate them wanting to make a statement, but I'm thankful that I attend a school where making a statement involves lighting a hex candle and not eating balls.



I know it's a slippery slope when you start just posting funny pictures on your blog as opposed to diatribes about people who cram onto a full metro car and don't take off their backpacks, but this picture is hilarious.

Also, saw "Stranger than Fiction" last nite. Fuh-nomenal movie. I love me some Will Ferrell, as evidenced by the fact that he has a part in a quarter of the DVD's I own, but this was a Will like I've never seen him. And now I'd like to see him another way...you can guess what way that is (wink).

Monday, November 20, 2006

Well frick

All these people visiting today (thanks to the shout out from the Beaner) and I aint got a danged thang to say. This week is just a major waste of my time. I've been completely unmotivated to do any work today (people across the country are now asking themselves what makes this different from any other day). Tomorrow I have four meetings which should help the time pass quickly. Wednesday we'll probably get released at 2, so I'll more than likely spend all morning twiddling my thumbs until I can start drinking. I think there's a pretty good chance I'll begin drinking about 3 p.m. on Wednesday and not stop until the Texas game is over on Friday. I got a bottle of my favorite bloody mary mix yesterday which means I'll also have the USDA recommended servings of vegetables during that time. Sometimes I really wish vodka and Miller Light were on that damn food pyramid. The man is always bringing me down.

Yesterday me and my friendly neighborhood attorney went to the driving range, something I've been wanting to do for like 25 years. It was super fun. The attorney sister of my friendly neighborhood attorney has been taking golf lessons for the last couple of months, so she smoked both of us. But I have to say that having not picked up a golf club since my 7th grade PE class (where if we hit the orange cone we got an A), I did pretty damn good. Okay, maybe not good, but I'd put myself somewhere between not good and mediocre, which to me is still good for a beginner.

I'd been told that this place had regular servers come around to bring you beer and food. The lil 16-year-old brat only came by once at which point I was still trying to figure out how to get the ball on the tee (kidding). For the full hour I was there, we kept perusing the menu in hopes she'd get the hint and come back. It was a small menu, and on it were the following: mini meatloaf sandwiches, miniburgers and mini pig sandwiches.

I'm not even going to delve into the whole "what the f*** is a pig sandwich" question, but it seems that this whole tapas bullshit craze has spilled over into the world of junk food. Don't get me wrong, I'll ocassionally enjoy a mini burger, primarily at MatchBox (where I'm headed momentarily), but if the point of these things is that people are going to share them, bring me a meatloaf sandwich (ick) and a friggin knife.

The Democrats have two years to fix the country before the next election. I hope this is on their agenda.

Yes, Texas, there is a Santa Claus

Thank. God.

Sunday, November 19, 2006


"Mild" melee in Columbus. I'm appalled.

One quick story. We watched the game at Rhodeside. There was a guy sitting alone in a Michigan shirt at the table next to us, and before the game started I told him that if the Bucknuts got out of control I was going to duck behind him. I've seen this guy there before and knew he was a pretty rabid fan. The game starts, and he is, of course, quite animated. He'd lean over and say something every couple of plays. Really nice guy, and I appreciated his fanatacism. At some point towards the end of the first quarter, some guy at the table behind us (a table filled with people who were not wearing shirts for either school and were just chatting) leaned over and asked my new friend "hey, could you take it down a notch man." Greg said, "um, i'm not trying to piss you off but i dont know if you've heard...this is a pretty big game." The dude kind of mumbled something back and didnt say a peep again the rest of the game.

The more I thought about it, the more I got pissed off. Who comes to a sports bar for the biggest game of the new millienium, as i'm pretty sure I heard ESPN refer to it, and then tells someone to not be so loud. GO HOME JERKOFF! We spent the rest of the game openly mocking him, and the fact that he didn't respond or get defensive shows that he knows what a dumbtard he was. I'm sure his girlfriend or someone asked him to say something, and he did it just to impress her without really thinking about what he was saying. I almost wanted to ask him to come back any day Texas was playing and we'd give HIM a sloppy finish.

OSU wins? Who cares. USC wins? Big deal.

Sass is getting married!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 18, 2006


That on the day of the biggest game of the year, there isn't a single game on that I want to watch. Instead I'm flipping between Six Feet Under, Election, Scrubs and Laguna Beach.

Two or so hours until OSU/Mich kicks off, and I can only imagine the atmosphere in Columbus right now. I really think someone is going to be murdered. I'm not joking. If some dude can get shot over a PS3, then certainly someone can be shot over something that is as emotional as a college football rivalry.

(A brief pause: my favorite SFU death just occured, when the woman's head gets knocked off while celebrating out the roof of her limo. They show how Rico puts her back together, and it's f-ing crazar).

Back to the matter at hand...the Michigan dean sent out a warning to fans making the trip to Columbus. If I was going, I'd probably take a frickin security detail. Seriously, I dont think it's a matter of if someone will get shot, but instead how many people. Then of course there's the chance that the loser of the game will still wind up in the NC game, in which case there's a good chance the whole stadium will suffer a nuclear attack.

I am ocassionally checking the Baylor/OU score, and freaking Bears are so funny. The "sic 'em" sign looks like a retarded wave to the camera. Sorry Will, it's true.

Friday, November 17, 2006

And another thing...

I'm picking Michigan tomorrow. I really want it to be a total blowout. If OSU is going to win, I want it to be close, but otherwise I want the stands half empty with 10 minutes left. That'll show ESPN for doing their ridiculous "240 hours until kick off" clock the last three weeks. Dumbtards.

I'm over it

I realized earlier that I haven't said a peep about basketball season. Part of the reason for that is I'm still withdrawing from my despair from the loss. One of the guys I work with (who I've only allowed to finally speak to me today) had very little sympathy..."oh, boohoo you lost a game and won't play for the title." It's true that we've gotten spoiled in the last 12 months. But regardless, I hate losing.

Which brings me to basketball. We lost last nite. I think our team should just quit playing in NYC because it never turns out right. I've sat (stood actually) through two shelackings by Duke in New York, and I had considered going up there for this tourney, though nixed it since i fell in the middle of the week. Kevin Durant is a friggin stud. A stud with some teenage acne that I hope clears up before he goes pro, but a stud nonetheless (seriously, on HD you can see every white head. nastee). I'm not sure what to make of this team. Three freshmen and two sophomores starting, one of whom is all but certain to enter the draft next spring. So do I root for KD to kill, kill, kill and then leave, or do I root for him to be mediocre so that we don't miss him as much next year. Who's to say. AJ Abrams has like 13 threes in the last two games, which aint nothing to spit at, and Conner Atchley has grown from a boy to a man (hello sir...). Needless to say I think it'll be a fun season to watch, one with probably lots of ups and downs, similar to seasons early in the Barnes era when we were winning more than we were losing, but we weren't going on long win streaks. I'll still hate losing, but maybe I won't let it bother me as much.

A couple of other things. They said that KD is 6'9" but has a wingspan that's 7'5." Not long after they said that he was shooting free throws and man alive are his arms freakishly long. You know what they say about guys with long arms...? PARTY ANIMALS!! Woooooo!!

Matt Hill's afro is prett rad. I see it going two ways: either he'll go the TJ Ford route and be much more refined and elegant looking during his sophomore season, or he'll go the Adam Morrison route and turn into a 1970s porn star (I forgot to say a cry-baby 1970s porn star). He has some lovely bone structure. Show me what you got lil mama! (anyone else amped for the new album from Hova!?)

Dexter Pittman is a lotta man. I can almost hear the saliva dripping off of FTP's tongue in Austin.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ugh. I just vomited

Thanks to this. I was going to post the picture, but the thought of having to look at it forever made me vomit again.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Go to the mall

I work out 3-4 times a week at a Washington Sports Club in the Penn Quarter. I used to work out with the Bear, but he's very busy and important, so he has no time for the Steezer anymore. Anyways, in the last couple weeks a pseudo-celebrity has been working out at my gym about 6:30ish most nites: this guy. The first couple times I saw him, I sort of stared him down trying to figure out if it was him or not. I confirmed on Monday that it was. I was on an elliptical and he was in front of me on a bike flirting with another girl who was on a bike. I was amused at this flirting (and make no mistake...it was flirting..Steezer knows flirting when she sees it) because the girl mentioned almost immediately that she was getting married. He also has a girlfriend though apparently she just moved to Los Angeles (gesturing to himself "can you believe she'd want to leave this!?")

Anyways, one of the reasons I've had a hard time deciding if it was him or not is that (1) usually he's there within an hour of getting off the air, and (2) he seems to always be wearing the same clothes. Granted, I often wear the same gym shorts 3-4 times before washing them (I'm a dirty girl) but I would swear he is wearing from head-to-toe the same thing every time I see him. It's weird considering he's a TV star. Okay not really, but still. What amused me while watching the above exchange the other day was that the TV overhead was on ESPNews, which was showing PTI. And there was Mr. Gym Man doing his duty as stat-checker. It was like watching that totally awesome movie "Multiplicity" starring the greatest actor of our time, Michael Keaton. Okay again, not really.

I will note that his flirting was just friendly fliritng, and that he was actually extremely nice to the people that work there. For whatever it's worth.

Crazy fan

If this guy really thinks that Doug Flutie changing his tune and picking Texas really had something to do with us losing last weekend then, well, he's a man after my own heart. I'm telling you...the universe senses when things have changed (an unlucky tshirt, a missing fan, drinking the wrong beer), and adjusts accordingly.

I'm offended that the guy in the picture has a Texas shirt on when it was in fact an OU fan pictured. You wouldn't photoshop the devil on a picture of Jesus, would you?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Random Topic Tuesday: Rolly backpacks

Evolution has led us to this. A hundred years ago, people used to walk everywhere, carring their groceries or pulling a wagon. Along comes the car and the subway, and now we can't even carry our freaking backpacks anymore.

Seems like the rolly backpack began appearing while I was in college. APPARENTLY parents were complaining that their kids had to carry home too many books to do their homework. Their backs were sore. Boo-friggin-hoo. Maybe if you got your kid off of the couch playing video games and into some sort of physical activity, they'd have developed enough strength to carry a backpack.

Today people with rolly backpacks/briefcases are in my face all morning and all afternoon. Today a little girl got out of a minivan at her elementary school with a Harry Potter rolly backpack. I guarantee you that all that was in that bag was a box of crayons and a box of erasable pens. Why can she not carry it? Why? WHY? Pulling it along behind her she looks like a lard. Wearing it, she'd look like a little grown-up, which is always adorable.

I'm always shocked by the number of people who take these things to work. I can understand it a bit more in adults because they're old, and maybe are carrying laptops or whatever...but still, these are the people who probably read books in their room while other kids were out playing. And do you think maybe you could carry your bag on/off the metro so that you don't knock me in the f-ing legs when you're getting off the train? For chrissakes. The worst case I've ever seen of this is a dude who toodles around the Smithsonian campus with somewhat regularity. He doesnt have a rolly backpack. What he in fact has is a tote bag that he sets on dolly. A real dolly...like one that you might use for moving. Everytime I see him he's just all smiles pushing that thing around. And everytime I see him I smile back and envision watching him push that thing right off a cliff.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Oh Crickey

Texas v. Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl? Like watching paint dry (though at least we'd probably win big). Of course before that can happen we need to get our ducks in a row and beat the Gaggies and then beat the Huskers again. And these days even those in deaf/mute midgets know how to beat us.

I'm so bitter.

Still can't write about football

So instead, I'm going to go the exact opposite route and write about musicals. Specifically: Dreamgirls. Motherhumper, I've been in love with Dreamgirls for as long as I can remember. Many of you have born witness to my lip sung theatrics to "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." I cannot listen to that song without jumping on my chair. Rest assured that I know every gasp for breath, and every warbled note. It really is quite a sight to see. Here's a video of the real deal thing from the 1982 Tony Awards. I've never seen anyone put such raw emotion into anything the way that Jennifer Holliday does it here. For the good stuff, skip ahead to 3:30:

Last year the powers that be announced a Dreamgirls movie. My heart fluttered. Then they announced that Deena Jones would be played by my best friend 4eva, one Beyonce Knowles. I almost had a heart attack. In June, during the Tony's, they premiered a trailer for the movie, and my roomie will tell you that I screamed with glee for about 10 minutes. We're less than a month away from the release of the soundtrack, and just like 42 days from the movie release. Needless to say, since I don't have another national championship game to look forward to, this will be a nice distraction.

The enemy

Corco said several times Saturday nite "Thanks so much for missing the Kansas St. game." Every time he said I responded "Of course...it's your wedding." But I was lying. That SOB owes me and the rest of Longhorn nation an apology. Nevermind that I had a great time. Nevermind that I had such a hot dress on. Nevermind that I again was transfixed by the healing power of the bloody mary in order to get over my Fri nite hangover. Nevermind that I got to dance with Eddie all nite. YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY SIR!

Too bad he doesnt read this blog. Once he gets back from Jamaica, rest assured he will be hearing about this tragedy for the rest of his days.

I have no healing words. I could barely get out of bed on Sunday morning because I was dreading what I would read/hear. At this time I still have not seen a single second of game footage, and I'd like to keep it that way. Mealz missed the game for a wedding as well, and echoed my feelings that having not watched it I feel detached from it...almost like it really didn't happen. Almost like everyone else is in an alternate universe and I'm in a daze, floating above it all. How meta, right? Anyways, the always enlightening Sally had this to say: "At least we don't have cancer or cheer for a team that loses with regularity." I love the fact that those two things are comparable. Because they pretty much are. Cancer and losing.

Life sucks.

Friday, November 10, 2006

I'm not 100% in love with your tone right now

Leaving in a mere moment for activity #1 as part of the Corcoran wedding weekend extravaganza. I do have to say it's nice to go to a wedding and load up on booze and steak without having to pay for a plane ticket. YEOW! CMart, Scuba and Eddie are all back in town, so it's going to be fun. I will most likely miss the Texas game tomorrow, which blows big time. It makes me want to hit someone...hard. I thought I had more to say at this particular moment, but apparently I do not. Instead I'll leave you with this quote from Worker #3116 (also known as the man I'm going to marry):

"Whenever I meet someone, there is a holding period between when I hate them for no reason, and when I hate them for a reason. "

Corco, I now hate you for a reason.

But not really.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Dust off your copies of "Oregon Trail"...

...cuz I got me some SCARLETT FEVER!!!

Let's review my list of things we needed to see happen to get back into the NC:

1. Rutgers beats Louisville
2. Auburn beats Florida
3. USC loses to Ore, Cal or ND
4. OSU beats Mich

Of course the one thing I'm missing is "Texas wins out." Shouldnt be a problem, but I thought the same thing at a certain Big 12 Championship game in 2001. So let's win out boyzz.

Two other game observations: (1) Lou Holtz is smoking crack saying that Cal was the best one loss team. Go suck it Lou. (2) Apparently one of the Rutgers traditions is to do the Bill & Ted guitar strum from when they go into the future. OMG like soooo awesome.

A lesson in public relations

Courtesy of the Bear and FattyDave is another spamtastic article on COLT MCCOY, who's name I've decided to write in all-caps from here on out.

As a public relations specialist (that's right...I SPECIALIZE), Mack is handling the Heisman talk just right. The more he talks about it not being right for Colt since he's only a freshman, the more the media is like "but wait! he should be considered!" They're talking themselves into it and it's brillant.

I applaud you Mack Brown.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

Public Service Announcement pt. 2

Today Wonkette is doing their best to spread the news of Gaggie suckitude. Please...won't you join us?

Public Service Announcement

This morning while strollin' into my local metro stop, I saw four girls in a row wearing furry, Ugg-like boots with skirts and tights.

Ladies, two things:
1. Uggs are out. O-U-T. They've been out for two years. Wear 'em around the house. Wear 'em on no-shower Sundays. But don't wear them to work.

2. If you choose to ignore rule #1, fine. But you should know that if you're even slightly "pudgy," you're going to look even fatter with those things. Let's review...the fattest part of your calf is the part directly below the knee. If you're wearing thick furry boots on the bottom half of the calf then your legs are going to look like tree trunks. You don't want that and I don't want to see it. And if I do see it, I'm probably going to laugh under my breath and shake my head. Don't be offended. I tried to warn you.

Steezer: Doing her best to make society look prettier. Or at least less fat. If we all look fat then the terrorists have won.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


"It sucks if your prom date likes you."

Yes it does, Lexie. Yes it does.

Well, well, well

The last 24 hours have pretty much ruled. Dems take the House. Dems are probably going to take the Senate (thanks in no small part to my vote here in VA) though we won't know for sure for a while longer. These two developments caused what I'll refer to an "Oh Shit" moment over at DOD, leading to the resignation of Rumsfeld. And who will Rummy be replaced by? The Aggie president I just finished reading about in Texas Monthly. Thanks to Wonkette for answering the question, "who is Robert Gates?"

Hilarious. The whole focus of the TM story was that Gates was showing some balls and bringing change to Gaggieland. Ten to one they go right back to the ways of old. I'd also be willing to wager that good 'ol Phil "Don't I Look Like a Turtle" Gramm will have his name tossed around to take his place, which will in turn cause me to to toss my lunch. But you know what? Nothing could bring me down today. Hell, I'm even 95% finished with powerpoint purgatory, and in 30 minutes I'm leaving work for two hours for a going-away party (unfortunately not mine). AND, one of my oft spoken of mortal enemies, Pants, will be jobless as of January because her boss got his own pants whipped. Plans are already in the works to throw a going-away party in her honor that she will surely invite herself to, sparking the following convo:

Pants: But I'm not leaving

Steezer: Either you leave, or I kill you. Your choice.

I feel so...so...so...alive.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Random Topic Tuesday: Tuesday

Tuesday is the shittiest nite of TV. There is not a single show on Tuesday that I watch. I really wanted to get into "Friday Night Lights" (obviously) but it's on at 8 and usually I'm still at a bar. Anyways, this particular Tuesday is election day. A pretty big election day, I might add. My office was all but empty by 4 p.m. as people went to vote (um, guys...the polls are open until 7).

(haha, Rick Santorum just conceded and his kids were a mix of fatties and crybabies. But I digress)

So me and roomie are sitting here watching CNN and pecking at our laptops. She's on cnn.com, I'm on Wonkette. That's seems about right...she wants to know who's winning, and I want to know who's choking strippers. In all seriousness it's information overload...on top of the talking heads and the numbers on the bottom of the screen, and the big wall of faces, Roomie every now and then raises her head from her bberry and says "Capt Crunch won in Maryland." Usually I respond "is that good?" and she answers. I dont know what I'd do without her.

(James Carville just said "K Street" three times...someone is still holding on to their glory days with George Clooney on HBO).

Anyways, no random topic tonite because more important things are going on: I'm doing my laundry.

We'll miss you

Dear Katie,
I really can't tell you how much I'm going to miss you. Over the last six months your non-stop hijinks have brought many a smile to my face. You've seen me through the good, the bad, and the drrrty. The only comfort is that this isn't goodbye; it's see ya later. Write that book quickly honey. And maybe everyone once in a while, get on a horse in a unitard for old times sake.
Love ya. Mean it.

Monday, November 06, 2006

ESPN Gets it Right...finally

Bout time bitches. I wish Colt were on a ballot tomorrow so I could vote for him.

Which reminds me to remind everyone to go and vote tomorrow. Unless you're a Republican in which case I hope you heard that the election got pushed back until Wednesday.


Update 2: Convo between me and Sally-
Sally: nobody believed in colt mccoy...but we did
Steezer: yes we did
Sally: omg if we made it to the NC i would take a crap in a bowl and make the haters eat it
Steezer: haha
Sally: i would be like, TALK SHIT, EAT SHIT, MOTHAFUCKA
Steezer: start rounding them bitches up!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Colt saves lives...

...and he can end 'em too. Do NOT mess with Colt McCoy. He'll cut a bitch.

Steezer needs a new boo

This post is way late, considering there are only 3-4 games left, but Steezer needs a new boy (pronounced bo-eeeeee; usually is heard screamed "that's my bo-eeeee," or "that's her bo-eeeee"). My boy history:

2000-2002, Michael Ungar
I could write a whole post (probably a whole novel) on my love for that guy and our history. Everybody these days says "oh yeah, Ungar was great, I loved him too." No you didn't. I WAS HIS NUMBER ONE FAN AND HE KNEW IT. He did. He knew it. If I wasn't around when my friends ran in to him, he'd ask about me. He was invited to my going away party before my intern semester and when I got back, he asked me how it went. Even his freaking girlfriend knew me. Probably because my name was on the restraining order. Also, his number was 29, and my birthday is Dec. 29. HELLO! IT WAS FATE!!!

2003-2005, David Thomas
In 2002, DT caught his first touchdown pass versus UNC. I was at a friend's place watching the game, and when the announcer said his name we were all like "did he just say the name of the Wendy's guy?" Not long after that DT had another big play, and I realized this guy was going to be big time. And oh dear was he. Two words: Rose Bowl. Re-watch that game and see just how clutch he was. As previously mentioned, I stalk him through his new wife on facebook. She better not break his heart.

So that brings me to today. I've had a few candidates, and I just can't seem to pick. The main criteria is that he be super clutch but also kind of unheralded. There are people like Colt and Limas and Chuckles who obviously everyone loves, but I need someone that I can own. Someone who people will know is mine. It would also be helpful if he was young so that I dont have to go through this process again for a few years.

For a while, Aaron Ross (aka AARON FUCKING ROSS) was the frontrunner, but he's off the table now...he's too big time and too hoss. Michael Griffin belongs to FTP, and I will also give her access to Brian Robision (aka Honorary Black Man). Here are the current front runners:

Jermichael Finley (aka Jermajesty, aka JMike, aka "what number does he wear!? 1-6!")
It helps that he wears #16 and is open about the fact that he is DT's protege. I was all ready to give him the title when the season started, but he was non-existent until 3-4 games in. Now he's got some rapport with Coltski, even catching the td record breaker. Me likey. Only drawback...it might just be too easy.

Jordan Shipley (aka Casper)
Of course this dude was the most talked about dude on the team because he was injured for so long. Lots of expectations, and then injury. More expectations, more injury. Boooo. The first time he caught a ball, we all erupted. Now he seems to be the go-to guy when we need a big flashy play, and the crowd loves him. Which again makes me not want to pick him. But damn it do I love cheering for him.

Hunter Lawrence
First, he's from Boerne (B-O-E-R-N-E bitches). Second, I dont know if you saw that hit he leveled yesterday, but that was money. I think Ryan Bailey (our hero) has won peoples hearts, but I've just got a feeling about Hunter. A tingling if you will. Plus I'm super over Greg the Leg. Problem: who gets hyped about a kicker?

Having written it out now, I think I've gotta go with Jermajesty. Plus when I say it in my head (or when I picture Sally saying it) I always laugh. So congratulations sir. Don't let me down.

winning is pretty much tha bomb

and i hope that the dems follow the longhorns lead and win on twosday. in order to help, here are some signs.

whassup muthafugga?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Lee Corso must die

The horns down? Fuck you, Lee Corso. I hope some slut chops off your baby arm and feeds it to convicts, and that they spit it out because it tastes like sour milk and old man. Lee Corso, you are on mother fucking NOTICE.

I second

From Big Gay Kevin tonite: "I just wanna win big."

Me too. My lil heart caint take no mo. Go horns. period.

Oh, and I dont think I've said this since I found out on Tuesday but "WHY THE F*CK IS GAMEDAY IN COLLEGE STATION TOMORROW!?" Seriously...I bet the boys are spending the nite in Austin and driving in that morning. I think I heard that Fowler won't be there for the first time in 16 years. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Friday, November 03, 2006


According to our friends at Burnt Orange Nation, I'll have less time to enjoy the usual number of pitchers at Rhodeside on Saturday. Order those corn dogs early kids.

Haha, I'm listening to my iTunes library at work, and playing right now is "Jolly Holiday" from Mary Poppins. Love it.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I have a problem

I need new sweaters
I need new work pants
I need snow and rain boots
I need seasons 3&4 of Scrubs, season 3 of Arrested Development, and season 2 of The Office (BBC version)
I need to buy a dress to wear to Corco's wedding
I need to buy Corco, Denen and O'Keefe wedding presents
I need to feed my very hungry liver with beer at least 4 nites a week

But despite all of that, I'm having serious issues with the fact that I don't own a Colt McCoy jersey. The Roy/Limas jersey I wore last week is a youth small, and though I'm petite on top, that shit is unnnnncomfortable.

This is a serious enough problem that I'm putting a link below for people to donate via paypal towards me getting said jersey. It's important ya'll. Oh come on!!

There's a Louisville player named William Gay, a WV player named John Holmes (I actually knew a guy in college named John Holmes also), and I'm pretty sure I heard my Kirky say "he went right around Coon" which would be another name for the books. Just being observant.

(Have you donated yet?)
(Just kidding, there's no paypal site...I'm just expecting someone to buy it for me)
(tapping foot)

What does the Big East have against the western part of the country?

Louisville v. West Virginia tonite. Should be a hootenanny good time. I gotta say I'm going for Louisville just because I feel like WVU has gotten a lotta love for doing the equivalent of a pencil sharpening. I'm so over hearing about the Mountaineers. So very over it. And seriously...a team from KT and a team from WV? Incest will be in the air for realz.

I had a hearty chuckle when I read in the paper this morning that tickets for the game were going for $1000. Yawn. Try getting tickets to a game between two big schools (one could probably put their kids through college by selling OSU/Mich tickets right now).

I will say it sucks that the game is tonite. My DVR is already on overload, so I'll have to watch the first hour of the game in my room. That's so not hot. It's also not hot that my DVR skitzed out last nite causing me to miss the first 2 minutes of Laguna Beach. How the heck am I sposed to find out why Chase and Tessa didn't go to Cabo!?

Why does Notre Dame hate America?

Excellent question. Glad you asked.

And why can't someone tell Charlie Weis to put down that hamburger and pick up a salad. Geez Louise...that man is FAT.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Congressmanwomenpeople do it too!

We've become much more of a drunk texter than a drunk dialer. Except for maybe on the walk from the metro to the a-p-t when we get bored and start dialing...that is except for the times when we are very loudly singing along to B'Day on our iPod.

And by we I mean me. So whatever.

Aaaaaanyways...it's good to know that even if the people trust you to hold high office, you still cannot be trusted with your cel phone after a few too many cocktails.