HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Random Topic Tuesday: Tapas

Don't like 'em. And frankly, I don't see what the point is.

Okay, I do see what the point is. It's like tapas are the prostitutes of the food world: Everyone gets a taste. Great. But I don't want a taste, I want a mofo plate of mofo food. If someone wants a bite they can have one. ONE. It's like the episode of Friends when Joey is out with a girl and she takes fries off his plate.


Tapas and their various other ethnic incarnations are the restaurant industry's way of raping the American public. There, I said it. What? They can make tiny little plates of food and charge you $7 for it. You obviously can't have just one. If you try to order just one, the waiter will make you feel like Tiny Tim. So you each order a couple plates, and then before you know it you're paying $25-35 bones for what will probably amount to an appetizer.

The reason I bring this up is that I was walking through Pentagon Row, and two new tapas places have moved in. TWO. Next to each other. And I can't blame them because they can buy very little food (and by very little I mean in terms of quantity, not that the food is miniature...though actually I guess it is) and charge you like you actually had a real meal. That's a business plan I can understand.

People always give me crap when I say I don't like Tapas. "How can you not like them, they're just food." Poop is just food (to some people's dogs). Well, I don't like poop (to eat...I like it for pretty much everything else) and I don't like tapas. Deal with it.

Happy Halloween (not)

Another of my occasional favorite sites did a list of potential Halloween costumes for head coaches. It's pretty funny...and I have to agree that Mack Brown is now officially the Mac Daddy.

I have a few suggestions for the rest of our coaching staff:

Gene Chizik: The office slut (because he's easy to make a pass on)

Greg Davis: Poop (because his playcalling is shitty; other suggestions: a rock)

Mad Dog: George W Bush (because he is one scary ass mofo)

Random Topic Tuesday coming later. I've had a bad day (on Halloween no less, one of my least favorite days of the year) so cut me some slack.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Have you worn that shirt before? No!? THEN TAKE IT OFF

It's true folks, I have discovered yet another unlucky shirt. Damn it! And this one I really liked too. But I got naked* for my team, and it worked, so the shirt's gotta go.

On my way home tonite I started to think about Temple, who finally broke their 20 game losing streak last weekend. In some ways, I think going to a school that never wins might be nice. No, not nice, just less stressful. Sister let me tell you...for the third g-d week in a row my heart was in my chest. Scratch that. It's always in your chest. My stomach was in my knees. A couple people kept bringing up the comeback versus OSU last year, and I kept thinking, "BUT WE DON'T HAVE VINCE!!!" Well crickey, who knew that we didn't need Vince, we just needed Meesta McCoy.

I don't want to make myself sound old, but this kid just keeps on surprising me. He'll break the Texas freshman touchdown record in the first half of the game next weekend. I'm pretty sure he'll break the national record the following weekend. I never in one million years would have thought he'd be the story of the season. The earlier Heisman post was kind of a joke, but after reading ESPN's INFURIATING Heisman poll, I say we buy Colt a ticket to NYC. I can pitch in $5. Who's with me?

After the game there was, of course much celebrating. I stole some candy, someone else almost stole a dog. It was one of those nites. But well f-ing worth it. COLT MCCOY!!!

As an aside, I have the Patriots game on as background noise just in case my boy DT does something. Apparently earlier he had a catch for a first down and I missed it. That ain't cool. F-ing Tom Brady is lighting Minnesota up, meaning my chance at first place in my stupif fantasy football league is probably shot. I was up by 30 points and that little pretty boy prettied his way to 4 touchdowns. Touchdown whore.

Oh and one last thing...absoluetely beautiful for Vince to beat the Texans yesterday. It's like that scene in "Pretty Woman:"

"Hey Texans? You win by scoring touchdowns don't you? Big Mistake. Huge."

*Not really. I had my Roy/Limas youth small jersey on, and later the Bear's VY jersey. Actually funny story: I was waiting the entire first half to have a reason to unveil the Limas jersey underneath the unlucky shirt (how's my boy only gonna have two catches on a day I'm trying to represent?). Anyways, that girl standing on a chair in the middle of Rhodeside ripping off her shirt to show the jersey underneath after his td? That was my friend......Susan.

Update: Turns out Brady earned 29 points last nite, meaning I still won my match up meaning I'm in first place bitches. I bet Corco is really mad he talked me into playing. Sucker.

Yeah, I think I can relate

I pretty much know exactly how this guy is feeling. It's one thing to have your team win it all. It's quite another to actually be there.

Also, Colt for Heisman? CBS Sportsline agrees. Me thinks so too.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

You know what feels awesome?

Well, allow me to tell you: it feels really great to ride home on the metro in the same clothes you were wearing the nite before while people load onto the train having just run the Marine Corps Marathon. They ran 26 miles in the time that it took me to drag my ass up, eat brunch, drink two bloodys, watch a Lifetime movie with Kelly Kapowski, and then get home.

I'm not prepared to talk about the game yet, so more later. But now I owe my mom a trip to church.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Give the ball to Limas!!

Yeah, I know, I'm irresistable.

When I originally got this jersey, it was in honor of Mr. Roy Williams. But just as Limas asked Roy permission to wear #4 at Texas, I asked Roy permission to wear #4 today to honor Limas. Thanks Roy. I'll see you when I get home.

As the Statesman reminded me, we have a very questionable pass defense, and Tech has the country's best passing offense. Oh no. Oooooh no. Last year's game was supposed to be a big 'un. Gameday was even in Austin for it. I was in Austin for it visiting what I like to call "the big bald mistake of fall 2005." It was pretty much no contest last year. After having consumed a few too many Lone Stars at the tailgate, I hightailed it to the bathroom at halftime. I arrived back in the stadium just as the second half started, and just in time to see Billy Pittmaaaaaaan take a pass 80 yards. Delicious.

It'll be different today, since we're in their house and we don't have Vince. But we do have Colt McCoy and we do have Limas.

Friday, October 27, 2006

I remember now why I went to Texas

After meeting me and learning of my near-suicidal fan-dom of all things Texas Longhorns, people always ask if I grew up in Longhorn household. I did not. In fact, no one on either side of my family has ever attended UT, and though I'm one of 14 grandchildren none of them seem likely to attend either. It's always hard to put my finger on exactly why I chose Texas, and even harder to say how I became such a martyr for the school. But now I remember why...because these were the public school alternatives:

Texas A&M

Texas Tech

It might have been the one thing in my life that I had to think the least about.

You know what they say about them Catholic boys?

Brady, Brady, Brady. What were you thinking?

I know what you were thinking. You were thinking that being ambiguously gay earned Reggie Bush the Heisman. So you know, why not?

According to Deadspin, the interview was conducted by a former editor at Out magazine. I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. Toooootal coincidence.

On Notice: Austin American-Statesman

I was not too pleased last Saturday to read this in the Statesman, especially after a restless nite worrying about the game.

Not to be outdone, Suzanne Halliburton jumps on the bandwagon this morning! Seriously Statesman staff? What's the point of writing a story that says, "Well, just so you know, there's a good chance we might lose. Enjoy the game!"

Those f*cktards. No one puts baby in a corner. No one.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Where can I get me some of them shorts? H-O-T-T-T (That's right...the hotness is three t's worthy)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Random Topic Tuesday: Hating

Saturday morning when I got to Rhodeside my friend Tim, who I haven't seen in a few weeks, was there. We caught up a bit, which basically involved him saying he missed me, and me asking how much. After a pinch of time passed, another of my friends showed up, and I was very politely filling him in on the end of my Friday nite when I was left practically abandoned with two of my greatest enemies. I don't mean frenemies...I mean straight up enemies.

After a couple minutes I looked back at Tim who shook his head and said, "Damn. Ya'll are meeeeean."

I've realized recently that I hate a lot of people and a lot of things. Pants and Despair are just two (though the absence of Despair in my life for a while has left me hating her far less. she's more of nuisance). There's crazy bitch old roommate. There's my boss. There's Nicholas Cage. There's Britney. There are actually several more people in D.C., but some of them read this blog and don't know I hate them so I dont want to ruin it. But I'm pretty much okay with hating. For several reasons.

1. Some people need to be hated. If you barge into my room and yell at my while I'm on the phone to my parents, you need to be hated. If you invite yourself to someone's birthday party or to watch a football game, you need to be hated. If you break Justin Timberlake's heart, you need to be hated. What's always amused me about myself is that I don't like when the people I hate feel the same way about me. Really, who couldnt love Steez? I'm above average.

2. Hating is fun. When you get together with your friends do you talk about how much you like someone? Sometimes we do but it usually involves saying, "I like Hannah, we should hang out with her more." On the contrary, I could sit and talk trash about someone for hours and feel perfectly content with my evening. I love being a bitch. A lovable bitch, naturally, but a bitch nonetheless.

3. Hating makes it easier to decide who are the ones you love. I love the people who hate the same people that I do. It's that simple.

So to summarize, I hate you.

An update to last week's RTT: Today I went into a bathroom in the opposite corner of our floor. When I walked in the stall there was a huge printed note hanging above the toliet that said in red letters (I kid you not): PLEASE DON'T PEE ON THE SEAT. IF THAT IS A PROBLEM, AT LEAST CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF. I love the image of someone getting so annoyed with wet seats that they walked back to their office, opened word, wrote a note, changed the font color, printed it out in color, and then walked back and hung it up. Hilarity.

Come On!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Monday afternoon confessions

1. I spent the better part of my lunch today cyber-stalking David Thomas courtesy of his new wife's facebook profile. Thank you, Kassidy, for posting a link to your wedding pictures so I could scrutinize whether he really seemed happy with you. He doesn't.* Enter Steez.

2. I always listen to iTunes streaming radio at work. Just now a song came on that I really liked, so I flipped over to see what it was. Ashley Parker Angel. Oh my.

*Actually he does. Damn it. And how do you like my triple chins in that picture?

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'm too hyped

I can't sleep so let me just go ahead and say again how unbelievable that game was. Even ESPN is loving on Texas right now, and more specifically, on Colt. In a game when so many of our dudes made enormous plays (Aaron Ross may actually be a bigger hoss than Michaelf Huff; That dude is unreal) the analysts are talking about Colt. And they should be. It's hard to believe just a few weeks ago we were in a qb controversy. The only controversy I see right now is whether Colt wins the Heisman this year or next year.

Okay maybe not, but still.

The comparisons to Major Applewhite are obvious. Baby-faced red shirt freshman with a name money couldn't buy wins in Nebraska. But today it didnt seem to be a coincidence that Vince was on the sideline. Colt was a cool ass customer all day, and in particular on that last drive. Just like Vince, he wasn't shaken. He was just like "I'm gonna do what I do, baby." Hot damn!

I was (of course) on my feet the whole game, and was stressing pretty much the whole time. When Greg the Leg missed the first PAT I said to the Bear, that could come back and haunt us. And obviously I was right, though no one should be surprised by that. At the end of the game as the kicking team took the field, we all looked at each other like "WTF!?" just as I'm sure every fan in orange did. But I can one up you. The team lines up and then...ZAP...all the tvs at Rhodeside went out. I literally think that I yelled so loud my brain came out of my ear and I had to shove it back in. After a freaking eternity (real time: 7-10 seconds) someone starts pointing at a tv in the corner that had been on a differnt channel which had cut over to our game for an update. Two guys start screaming "HE MADE IT! HE MADE IT! HE MADE IT!" And the celebrating began. It was amongst the most intense moments of my life...thinking about it makes my heart pitter.

Crickey. I feel like I could say about 100 things about today. Sally is involved in most of them...I couldnt even list them all but I will say it involved (1) promising God she'd go to church tomorrow and put money (GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT? $20??? YOU KNOW I AINT RICH) in the collection plate and (2) yelling at my San Antonio homey to go back to the bathroom because he was unlucky (DO YOU SEE NOW WHY WHEN I SAY GO TO THE BATHROOM, YOU GO TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM!?). Those of you who know Sally are, I'm sure, not surprised to hear this. Even FTP fed the superstition fire, sending us a text to "switch your beer, take off your shirt, DO SOMETHING!" I'm telling you that me and the people around me have incredible sway in the universe to influence the outcome of these games. So friends and foes: keep me happy.

I guess I'll let that be that. HOOK THEM FRIGGIN HORNS!!

Oh also, I hope some sweet girl is AT LEAST letting Ryan Bailey motor boat her boobs tonite.

No words

I'm still in a haze. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Ryan Bailey can sweat on me any day.


I'm nervous about today. I've been nervous all week, and then tonite I dreamed that we lost. Not only that we lost but that we had 0 yards of total offense. Now maybe that was God's way of telling me that my nervousness is silly, but still. I was so nervous I tossed and turned all nite.

Nebraska is dying for a big win against a big team. We've had their number at home, which they hate. And our pass defense has been worrisome (thank you Kirk Bohls for making me feel so much better). But I still believe in Colt McCoy. I do. He saves lives. I bet Zac Taylor can only drink a pint of skim milk everyday. What a weenie.

No Nebraska post would be complete without mention of the 2002 trip to Lincoln with Kacie, Sass and some other bitch whose memory Ive blocked out. It was pretty much the greatest weekend of my life. It's weird to think back that at first it was just going to be me and crazy bitch going. But after OU weekend, Sass signed on, and with her on our side Kacie was easy to peer pressure. So many hilarious things that weekend...Gate 1; Look at those Gigantic Hogs; I forgot all my coats; O-O-O-O Street. I really wanted to go back this year but oooooooh wellllllll.

Anyways...hook em horns! Prove me to be superstitious fool boys!

Friday, October 20, 2006


Sally and I have secured floor seats to see Justin Timberlake on Feb. 2. We'll be within sexing distance of the man himself. He's finally redeemed himself after not calling me when he was in town at the 9:30 club. In celebration I've been listening to Justified all day.

Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job, I make 40 something dollas a day.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Yes actually there is a reason to hate

SOMEONE, a Baylor bear of course, left the following comment down below:

There is no reason to hate. And for a team as "good" as UT to look so not good against Baylor...shameful.

Billiam, I'd suggest you check the number of injuries we had on defense on Saturday. Two starting corners, and two guys on the line. And though yes, we may have been down 10-0, we also beat you 63-31; our quarterback threw for SIX tds (a Texas record); you scored 7 points with 9 seconds left, and 7 points on a trick play when we had our second/third string in. So a better reflective final score would have been 63-17. Yeah...that was not-so-good, eh?

You want shameful? You want a reason to hate? Try this:

That little show of class puts Baylor in the same category as OUsucks. And that's what I like to call counting your hens before they've hatched. I'm pretty sure Mr. Bell paid for that dearly (as did Mr. Arline, with a punch to the face courtesy of Limas f-ing Sweed).

Thanks Billiam for reminding me to write this!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A PT cruiser

Something just now made me think of this, I went and found the clip, and now I'm giggling like a schoolgirl. I love the way the lady says it with such disgust and disdain.

Other top three moments on The Soup include Whitney Houston's "KISS MY ASS!!" and Katie Holmes' "Sure." These are often repeated phrases by the Roomie and I, along with "Fashion show, fashion show, fashion show at lunch!" (The Office), "So's your face," (Scrubs) and now "Did you check your butt?" (The Office again).

I'm being mocked

Dalton Ross on EW.com's Popwatch made fun of me in his column The Glutton today. And I'm pretty much okay with that. The only thing I'm not okay with is that he is married.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

No! No! Don't do it Adrian! DON'T DIVE!

Poor Adrian Peterson. He will most likely never be in an OU uniform again. I'm like totally crying in my Haagan-Daz sorbet. And now it's time to play: anecdote from Steezer regarding a broken collar bone!


Many many many moons ago, my family was visiting my grandparents out on the farm. My Lil Sis, no older than 8 at the time, was playing with our cousin-of-the-same-age Kayla (who is four years younger than me, is married, has a baby, and just got her manicurist license! Uhhh! Unfair!). You know how kids can sometimes play really rough games that get out of control? Well this particular afternoon, Kayla and Lil Sis were no different. They were involved in a match to the death of....scary climactic music...ring-around-the-rosey. I to this day don't know why my parents would stand for letting them play that in the living room.

As you can imagine, things got out of hand. Sure, things seemed fine while they ringed around that rosey, with their pockets full of posies. But they took a turn for the worse. A terrible, terrible turn. When it came time to make those ashes fall down, stocky Kayla yanked the hell out of Lil Sis's arm to bring her down. Lil Sis cried for hours and the family was pretty much like "I can't wait until she turns off the waterworks...she got what she deserved for playing the equivalent of Celebrity Deathmatch." After she continued to whine, my parents decided they'd take her to the doctor to be sure nothing was wrong. The diagnosis: a broken collar bone.

They put her arm in a sling and she was fine a few weeks later. My mom's pride never recovered (especially after a few years passed and she fell and broke her arm...another injury my parents brushed off as her crying wolf) and to this day, she still treats lil sis like a baby.

My point is this: Adrian, I know breaking your collar bone playing football (sissy way) isn't the same as breaking it playing ring-around-the-rosey (tough way). But if Lil Sis of Steezer can recover so can you. So chin up TT! You'll be back playing with your dollies in no time!!

Random Topic Tuesday

For the first issue of this hopefully regular feature: toliet seat covers.

My office suite does not have its own bathrooms, so we share four with the rest of the floor (side note: you need a key to get into the ladies room, but not into the mens room. This means that virtually anytime I want I could walk in and see pickles and onions). Some people I work with were initially bothered by this because "the people who work for the federal government are often weird and/or sketchy." I find this hilarious because it's coming from people who work in museums...those people aren't awkward or questionably hygenic at all. No ma'am. But I digress.

Today I walked into one of the stalls and found on the seat a leftover toliet seat cover. Someone used it and then neglected to flush it away. Now, I don't use toliet seat covers except in x-treme situations, which usually involve the Port Authority bus terminal in New York. Our floor's bathrooms are cleaned twice a day, and for the most part only the people I work with use the one in the back corner. So is a toliet seat cover absolutely necessary? Really? You're telling me that you simply CANNOT be forced to share my butt germs? Nevermind that you grab the toliet seat cover from a box that has been touched (presumably with hands) by other germaphobes. So instead of your butt germs meeting my butt germs, someone elses hand germs are meeting your butt germs. That seems much worse.

(Another sidenote: Above, I really just wanted to see how many times I could say butt germs in a single paragraph)

Back to my story for today: I walked into the stall and there is a used seat cover. Generally when I go to the bathroom, the last thing I'm thinking about is the last person who was in there. I sit down and do what I have to. But when I saw that today, sitting down on it obviously out of the question, I started wondering who had been there last. What were their goals in life? Do they dream in color? Do they (as asked on Laguna Beach) live and and do they love? After about 1.2 seconds, I grabbed a tissue, pushed it in the toliet, flushed it away and waved bye-bye. Ultimately I was at risk of contracting fewer butt germs (another one! haha!) from the crinkly tissue paper then from sitting on the toliet. But that just seemed kinda kinky and wrong. It was a weird moment of self-realization. It only lasted for a moment though because I really had to go.

Update: Having just re-read this entry, I may now understand why I'm presently single. It's because I'm weird, huh?

Monday, October 16, 2006

Arf we selebrating?

The Redskins game was F.U.N. yesterday. We started the day early with brunch and bloodys at Hawk and Dove. HnD's has $2.75 bloodys. For that price, I dont even care if they're mediocre or if they serve sour pancake mix. Drinky drinky drinky, then metro-ed to the game with two flasks securely tucked away. Sally declared that next season we're taking in three flasks, but seriously I don't think that we could handle three.

My favorite part of the afternoon (okay, one of my favorites) was when some obnoxious fan started yelling "scoreboard! scoreboard! scoreboard!" to us in the second quarter. The Bear walked down to him very quietly and said something in his ear. The guy listened, and then sat down while Bear came back and joined us. I asked him what he said, and he responded that he gently reminded the young man that he was yelling scoreboard during a game they were winning by one point to a team that was 0-5.

Nuff said.

By the end of the afternoon (after making hand babies with Vince and after burgers with Bear), I walked in and crashed on the couch. Serious crash. I may have done something before falling asleep but I dont remember. I remember walking in the door, and next thing I know it's 10 p.m. and Roomie and her cuzin are walking in. Apparently I acted like a hooker who just got caught servicing at the laundromat, and all but ran to my room.

Fast forward to this morning. I noticed in the shower that my left leg looked like Ike Turner went to town on it. I emailed the group and was told that the answer usually lies in your text message outbox. That's where I found the above message sent to several other friends at the game. I was also told that in trying to get to Vince I attempted to hurdle several rows at a time. Smart? No. Successful? Yeeeess.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Vince Young 3:16

Vince and I made hand babies today. Ask anyone.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

My jeans, my shirt, my parents, upstairs, my bartender, etc

Steez almost had to cut a bitch.

Much like I said on OSU gameday, I was feeling weird about the game all day today. While my parentals were seeing Babs last nite, I hung out with the Bear and had a few beers, then went home early. I woke up at 4 a.m. and ralphed. I think those of you who know the steezer would know that it takes A LOT MORE than 4-5 beers to make me ralph. So something was wrong. While laying awake for 2.5 hours, I checked the 'ol series of tubes, and found that 3-4 stud member of our defense were going to be out today. Whether we're playing Ohio State or Baylor, that is no good. And as my parents and I walked to Rhodeside, I said, "you know what...I'm nervous about this game. But maybe it's cuz I alway get nervous before supposed 'blow outs' because we're ripe for a let down.'"


On that first play, and after going 3-and-out twice in a row, I almost threw my parents out of Rhodeside. My mom looked over and said, "We're not going home. We're having fun." I looked back at my mother, the Methodist minister, and said, "IF WE KEEP LOSING YOU ARE GOING HOME BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING UNLUCKY!!!!!!!"

And about that time Billy Pittman scored, and we finally turned that shit around.

I mentioned last week that I allowed myself to think about how I would react to us losing to OU (and that it involved tears). In the first quarter today, I was seriously on the verge of tears. Losing to OU is one thing. Losing to Baylor, AT HOME, that is suicide worthy.

But FORGET IT! We won, CMcC broke the single-game passing TD record. I still believe in Colt McCoy. And once again, I said "When is Colt gonna hit Limas," and it happened less than 15 seconds later. I need to start thinking that every 10-13 seconds because obviously CMcC is in tune with my brain waves.

That's all I'll say for nowsys on Texas/Baylor. Tomorrow morning I'm putting moms and pops in a cab to the airport, and then filling up the flask before watching my Vince. It makes me sad that Vince is in town and he hasn't called me yet. I'm not an 'easy' girl, but when it comes to Mr. Young, I'm as easy as Deal or No Deal.

Just sayin.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Cuz ya had a bad day

My parents are in town, so not much time to do or say anything until they're gone. And a mere four hours after they leave Sunday morning the crew and I are going to see VY take on the Redskins. We'll probably get in a fist fight. Or a knife fight. One of those two.

Anyways, as a former goalkeeper from grades 2-10, I can say that this guy will probably be well hung (and not the good kind) in a matter of days:

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Because there's no such thing as too much war.

The web site RedState is running some sort of essay contest asking people to write essays saying (in 100 words or less) why they will vote Republican. The winner gets to have Denny Hastert blame them for the Foley scandal, will be fired, and thus will end the GOP's great American nightmare.

In typical fashion, another site has asked their readers the same question with hilarious results (like the one in the title.)

Apologies to Wonkette for stealing this.

This might be the most lopsided game, like, ever.

Texas v. the Nation?

Yea. No contest.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

That'll do Bevo XIII. That'll do...

Sunday, October 08, 2006

It just feels. So. Good.

Do you remember when we beat OU? Oh my God it was awesome.

I was a little worried yesterday because I felt so confident. But turns out my confidence was justified, because we looked very solid. We may not have put up huge numbers, but our defense was spectacular, (AARON MUTHAF*CKING ROSS!!!) and Colt was like the manager at a busy McDonalds...efficient and impressive. I think I've mentioned this once or twice, but winning is pretty much my favorite thing in the world. I just love it so goshdanged much.

It was your typical Rhodeside afternoon, with a few exceptions. They replaced my usual three bar tables with these gigantic bar height tables that allowed for plenty of room for everyone's fair foods and pitchers. At one point there five half-full pitchers on my side of the table alone. It was like Christmas morning. They were also serving a special "fair food" menu, including corn dogs, frito pies, pulled pork, fried twinkies, etc. I got a couple corndogs (damn good ones, mind you) before the game started. Dre had joked to one of my friends that they were sold out, and I almost slit his throat. At 3 p.m., 30 minutes before the game started, he came around and said that they really had sold out of c-doggs. We started to give the owner a hard time and he responded that he had bought so many that he was convinced they'd have left over c-doggs for weeks. As such, they're ordering more, and will have them at every game for the rest of the season.

OU brings out the biggest crowd of course (with the exception of Ohio State, though I've been at that game both years so can't compare), and it's not only Texas fans...it's friends of Texas fans who are there to have fun. Well, it's not about having fun. It's about winning. Sally and I almost got into our second knife fight in the last year with three girls who were friends-of-friends, who sat in front of the tv the whole time and just talked to each other. The longer their second grade teachers meeting went on, and subsequently the more pitchers we consumed, the more we yelled at them (from two feet away) that they sucked. Seriously people. Everyone knows that I ALWAYS get guest list approval, and bitches are not invited to sit at the head table without my yes (it really is my table...someone came over and said he didnt think anyone would dare to sit there for fear of their life and/or knife fight).

Post-game, we ate at Taco Bell, probably the worst mistake I've ever made, and then went to Mister Days (aka Meesta Meesta). The Bear walks over with two buckets of Miller Lite, but they were 7 oz ML's. THey looked like mustard bottles. I was so offended (not really) I went home and crizashed. Thankfully everyone I'd told we'd meet out also crizashed. Winning can really take it out of you. I woke up at 5:30 with a killer headache and decided the only cure (besides more cowbell...actually, at this point, less cowbell) was to watch highlights of the game on sportscenter, after which I fell back asleep hugging my pillow because it felt like victory.

Roomie and I just got back from 7-11 to get coffee (we are high class hos) and the headline of the World News Report was "Aliens take up residence at trailer park" with the sub-header "there goes the neighborhood." The story in the corner of the page: "Meet OMAHA Bin Laden." They deserved my money for that kind of creativity alone. I got to thinking though...did so many Sooners get sad about losing that they abandoned their trailers allowing aliens to take over? And will those aliens be better at football? Maybe if they were, we'd actually recruit players from that state, because though OU has a roster stacked with traitors, we have none. Further evidence that Boob Stoops is lucifer (my impression of Boob complaining to the refs: What!? What!? Point, Point.)

So, to summarize: winning feels good. OU Sucks. Aaron Ross is the sh*t. Steezer likes beer

Video is worth a thousand words

But here's two more: TOTAL DOMINATION

Friday, October 06, 2006

And on another topic

First off, Corco, if you ever read this, I'm sorry.

This has nothing to do with the usual run of the mill topics. But it's a cold rainy nite here in D.C., the first of I'm sure many, and I decided not to go to ick bar with Sally, and to hang out close to home. Imagine my surprise when Corco, new neighbor, invites me over for a low key game nite. Woohoo...just what I wanted. A low key evening to give my liver a rest before the big day tomorrow.

Not quite. I ended up at a nerd party. Corco and his fiancee are fine, nice folks. But they have nerdy-ass friends. First off, they all have advanced degrees in useless topics. Such as russian history. Some of them have husbands they met while living/studying in Hungary who understand virtually nothing about anything (geez! foreigners! acclimate already!). Some of them didn't know who Mark Foley was, and yet laughed at ME for not knowing who William Tell was. Hey, loser, put down your nerd book and pick up a newspaper...and while you have said paper, maybe read more than the first section. Glance at the sports/entertainment sections...you don't have to read it, just maybe learn some names. Oh, and on your way back from buying a newspaprer, maybe pop into a store where you can buy jeans that (a) aren't too short and (2) arent "reverse fit" or "tapered."

The two things I hate most in the world are people who mock Texas, which Corco thinks is hilarious, and people who make me feel bad for knowing that Johnny Depp owns the Viper Room; or that Steve Rubell owned/ran Studio 54; or even that "Exhale (Shoop, Shoop)" is the theme song for "Waiting to Exhale." I may not know more than three Russian or Irish historical figures, but at least I can conversate like a normal person.

So now that's off my chest. Last year the nite before the OU game (aka Bender Weekend 2005), FTP, Eddie and I drank at C&D's all nite while waiting for CMart and Carter. The evening ended (more accurately, my memory of it ended) when the bartender started making me kamikazi margaritas. The beginning of a great weekend ("Cleveland doesn't work here for 8 years....18 YEARS...and not know shit. Am I right Cleveland?" "Emily, I bet you can't make out with that guy." "Steez, why did we leave so early?" "Um, because you got thrown out.")

More randomness:
-My superstitions are kicking in. I just got some hot new Banana jeans, but I can't let myself wear them tomorrow because I've never worn them to a game before...and if we started to lose, then I could NEVER wear them because they'd be unlucky. It sounds crazy, but your face is crazy.
-I wish my roommate would use less cups.
-I wish my roommate would buy fewer papers
-I love my roommate
-Chris O'Donnell over Patrick Dempsey. Never thought I'd say that, but I mean it.
-I allowed myself to consider my reaction if we lost, and it definitely included tears. Lots of them.
-Further proof Rhodeside is the greatest place in the world...they're serving a special menu tomorrow featuring fair foods. I cannot wait for a mofo corndog.
-I'm going to take my camera for documentation, and i'm going to leave my phone at home. It's better for everyone (and hopefully involves less shame)
-FTP is going to an away game without me. It's bullshit.

11:56, and OU STILL SUCKS!

Looking ahead to another rival

This might be the smartest thing a Hellraiser has ever done. Seriously.

I'm so amped for tomorrow. The weather is awful here in the DCizzle, but it can't dampen the heart of this champion. No ma'am it cannot!

I'll have more thoughts on tomorrow later, but for now let me leave you with this. I've always thought Lance Armstrong was a homewrecking bastard (an inspirational homewrecking bastard of course, but a homewrecking bastard nonetheless). After seeing this picture I'd like to ammend that to say an inspirational homewrecking studmuffin bastard.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

A forgetten (read blocked) Simms memory

In preparing myself both mentally and liver-ally for OUsucks, I remembered a part of the Simms legend that I forgot to acknowledge previously. It's a visual that NO DOUBT will be shown on TV on Saturday. In fact, I'd put the over/under on them showing it at 3. The number of times I'll watch it is 0 because every time they show it I shield my eyes...it's probably one of the worst moments in Texas football history. I'm talking of course about the 2001 game, when Roy Williams (the evil one) flew over the line of scrimmage when we were on the 2 yard line, sacked Chris as he was about to throw which knocked th ball loose, and was caught for a touchdown by some other cousin-lover for a TD.

The worst part about it (actually there are lots of worse parts about it) is that we were down 7-3, and when they pinned us back we all thought "Chris is going to drive us 97 yards, run out the clock, and we're going to get our ripe revenge." Maybe just me and my friends thought that, but in my head I had visions of the next day's headlines...of Chris FINALLY doing something to make him the good guy.

In retrospect it wasn't his fault he got sacked. It was a fluke freak play. That's what makes it so much harder to watch every g-d year on ABC. I'm also mentally preparing myself for ABC to remind us of what the last six years have brought with this game. Hopefully after we win, they'll forget that streak for a few years.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


It's Noon....


Apologies that it's now Wednesday at noon and I haven't acknowledged yet
that it's the biggest week of the year: Texas/OU week. I was out of town
Monday and pumping iron all day yesterday.

The Statesman acknowledged this yesterday, and I have to agree: the hype
and excitement about this game does not seem anywhere near as big as it
usually is. This is for several reasons. Neither of us is in the top five
for the first time in like 1 million years. We're no longer carrying the
lost x number in row burden. Neither team is undefeated. And your momma
isn't as ugly as she used to be.

The biggest story of the game of course is Adrian Peterson. He will no
longer be called as such on this blog; from henceforth he shall be known as
TT, which stands for Texas Traitor. This jerkwad from Palestine, TX or some
other place where they apparently breed idiots, choose OUsucks over Texas
because he "wanted to win a national championship." Let's review: in 2005,
OU gets shellacked by Kansas State in the Big 12 Championship, but still
makes the title game and subsequently gets bent over by USC. In 2006, Texas
beats USC and wins the title.

Great choice TT. I'd call you peepee instead because it rhymes, but you
don't have one. HAHAHA!

Here's a list of more world famous traitors:
Benedict Arnold
Your mom's face
The Bear for inviting Pants and Despair to OktSOBERfest
Longhorn fans who rooted for the Cowboys last weekend instead of for Vince
The Washington Post Expess's belly fat girl, who this week looks exactly
like me (meaning no belly fat, only thunder thighs. Seriously. I stared at
it for a while and wondered who was responsible for turning me into computer
animation and why)

I can't think of anymore right now, but rest assured more will be added.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Those Gosh Danged Aggies

At it again.