HEISGIRL: Fodder From a Female Football Fan

Living every week like it's Shark Week.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Go Cure Cancer

People do pick arguments with me about how awesome Texas is at everything. What few people pick arguments with me about is how our commercials are hands down the best of any university. Don't believe me? Watch

Though one could argue that the schools that just show students on campus (including the requisite 5.5. minorities working in a lab) are all equally as shitacular, I have a new nominee for worst: University of Florida. I can find the video, but here's the description. It's even dumber than it sounds.

Sam Houston State today. I'm confident enough that I think I probably could wear my "I'm Mack Brown Bitch" tshirt, but I don't want to totally tempt fate. The fun fact of the day, as relayed by the Gameday Boys: We beat UNT by 49. UNT beat SMU by 18. SMU beat Sam Houston by 31. So we should beat SHSU by 98. OMG it's going to be like totally awesome.

And as a random aside, I just found out a girl I knew and was fake friends with in college is married to former UT basketball player and current assistant coach Chris Ogden. It makes me angry. There's a picture of her and a kid, but I think it might be her niece. Still, she's kinda like that Lindsay Lohan movie where she never seems to have bad luck. And that's pretty much why I never really liked her. She also had herpes. Okay, not really, but you can imagine how tight that would be.

FInishing up my brew dawg and am off to Rhodeside. Go Horns!

Friday, September 29, 2006

Two-A-Days

Everyone knows I love me some MTV reality programming. After all, MTV was the birthplace of reality shows, so if anyone knows how to do it, it's them.

(As an aside, isn't it hilario that VH1 has surpassed MTV as the music channel with the skankiest reality shows? Don't get me wrong, I looooove "Flavor of Love" but did I really need to hear New York moaning and screaming while getting her hibbidy on with Flav? No I did not.)

Anyways, the newest show from the music network, Two-A-Days, is actually really good. The kids are all good kids who don't have too much money and don't drink too much. Everytime I watch it I want to go work out. It follows last year's football team at Hoover High School in Alabama that at the moment is the #1 high school team in America. I guess that makes them the Texas of the high school world.

I bring this show up now because I was watching it last nite (along with The Office, My Name is Early, Greys Anatomy, and Ugly Betty...damn it when did the networks decide to put all the best shows on one nite!!!) and I noticed something familar. We all know that in fashion, everything old will become new again (as in the current leggings and ankle boot craze). This seems to also hold true for hair cuts. I'd say 85% of the football players are sporting Bobby's hair cut from Karate Kid.

Here's the best photo I could find of everyone's favorite Cobra Kai:













And here are a couple Hoover Bucs:












I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying.

Tonite is OktSOBERfest, which is sure to be a buh-last and drizunk. We also just heard the good news that Rhodeside will be showing tomorrow's shelacking of Sam Houston State. I've been drying out my liver all week for just such an occasion.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I'm disgusting

Not really. I'm just disgustingly full right now. Why do they call it black
bean soup, when really it's just black beans with extra broth. And why do I
continue to eat it long past the point when my body tells me to stop? It's
going to be a long afternoon, and let me just say I'm SUPER psyched for my
two hour meeting!

Anywayzzz...another hilarious deadspin article

I used to fall for the 'if your hand is bigger than your face' joke all the
time. I was a slow child...probably because my parents tried to restrict my
TV. Once they let me watch as much as I wanted, I got more smarter. It's
true. Anyways, a quick examination of my own hand shows that my ring finger
is definitely much longer than my index finger. I think that not only makes
me better at sports, but better at life in general. Suck it Trebek!

Monday, September 25, 2006

B-B-B-BUSTED....

...Spleen?

Poor Chris Simms. Really. I mean that. The dude is paying some serious karma for his severe pretty-ness.

I'm in a minority, but I was a Simms fan at Texas. The guy got a raw-ass deal. If probably the most loveable quarterback in the history of history hadn't been on the roster, I think things would have been much much different. But instead, Mr. Pretty-Boy-Son-of-a-Super-Bowl-Winner will go down in the books as one of the most devisive players to ever come through Texas. Last year I got into a shouting match and near-hair-pulling scream fest with someone who was all up in arms about Simms. I mean, lady...he doesnt even play for us anymore, and yet you continue to harp on him. Move on! Hate Adrian Peterson! Hate Reggie Bush! Hate Greg Davis for chrissakes! But give Chrissy a rest.

Why do I love Chris? Well, I love that he's so pretty, but I wouldnt say I loved him. However, I'm of the persuasion that as a true fan you should never, ever, ever boo your own players. And Chris heard a lot of boos. A lot of them deserved, sure, but if you look at the stats, he had a great career as a longhorn. Until a certain superhero came along, he held (and holds) many a Texas record. But ultimately his demise were his major failures in major games. That does not a legend make. At least not a good kind of legend. The only time I found myself sick to the stomach about Chris was a certain Big 12 Championship Game in December 2001. That was quite possibly the worst nite of my life. Though I'm a big believer in football being a "team sport" that nite was all about Christopher's suckage. And being there, even though Major brought us back, it didn't feel like a comeback...it felt more like saving face so the score doesn't look so bad.

I felt for Chris when he almost dropped out of the first day of the draft, and then felt good for him that he'd get to play for Mr. QB-maker, Jon Gruden in TB. I rooted for Brad Johnson to suck, and I rooted for Chris to get better. Going into the regular season he'd looked solid. Could it be that he'd finally find the love and acceptance that he'd lacked for so long? Could it be!? COULD IT BE!!!!????

Through three games: 7 interceptions; 1 touchdown.

That's gotta hurt more than a busted spleen. But damn boy...you is fine. I think I gots me a tingle in my basement.

P.S. I love me some Major, but look how funny he looks in this picture:

Saturday, September 23, 2006

The best damn fans in prison

My friend Parker put an article on my door at work about a new sportsmanship program (called "The Best Damn Fans in the Land") they're implementing at Ohio State. To me the real news is that they haven't done this already, since pretty much everyone I've ever talked to has agreed that the Bucknuts are the worst f-ing fans on the planet. Any group of fans that can drive a perfectly normal star running back to hatchet carrying insanity should just be rounded up and shot, in my opinion. But I digress.

This morning I faced my Saturday morning questions head-on, and went and got a bagel and coffee at the good place. At some point last week I did something to the side of my left knee. Everytime I walk up or down stairs it hurts. This has severely limited my gym attendance, which pisses me off big time. I came back from Austin gung-ho to get back in my routine and lose soome of the refried bean weight I put on by going to Texas twice within five weeks. Instead I'm forced to pedal slowly on the bike while examining the fat cells on my legs. But I digress.

What I'm really doing by typing this right now is avoiding re-writing a cover letter. I hate cover letters. I wish I could actually say that in a cover letter...which I probbaly could because no one ever READS cover letters. Every HR person I've ever talked to has said as much, which only confounds me as to why I still have to write a bunch of bullcorn about my skillz. My skillz are in making you laugh and think I'm kidding while I talk about how awesome I am. Someone yesterday asked me what my career trajectory was and I responded that I planned to continue being really smart and really cute. They laughed. I did too. But only because they totally thought I was kidding. Idiots. But I digress.

Hook 'em...I feel like we've got a good chance to win today if only because their quarterback is really ugly. Never trust an ugly qb.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Whatever! I do what I want!

More on the OUSucks crisis from the Mighty MJD:

The Washington AD should call a press conference tomorrow and say something like, “We’re really not comfortable playing a game against a group of twelve-year-old girls. We understand that the Oklahoma people are afraid that the referees will be mean to them again, and we don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt. We’re not playing them, but we do wish them the best of luck in the future, and in securing a berth in the Tampax Gentle Glide Bowl.”

Lots of sports blogs are talking about this new "female football" blog on iVillage. It's craptacular. Sample advice: If you're at a game and don't understand what's going on, then hike up your skirt, fluff up your boobs, giggle and then ask a cute boy. Great story about it here. Even the Malibu Stacy reference makes a little pee come out.

Another week draws to a close. Iowa State up next for Texas. Only two weeks until we start a new winning streak against OUSucks. That is almost always the drunkest day of the year. And speaking of my favorite hobby, last Saturday I was so drunk, I pocketed the tip money and totally stiffed our bomb-ass server Dre. I had the Bear call him and apologize, and tomorrow I'll arrive already $20 in the hole.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

My Name is Colt McCoy. I am the Texas Quarterback

Jokes about his acne aside, this is hilarious.

Courtesy Sally Brown

Okay, enough is enough

OU just keeps on bitching. Even Bobby Knight is making fun of them. Everyone seems to be forgetting that the Sooners had a chance to win it and had their field goal blocked. How much hub-bub would they be making if that hadn't happened. So now it's time to add a new face to college sports biggest crybabies:

Adam Morrison

J.J. Redick


Bob Stoops

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

It's driving me outta my mind

In what has become a regulario Tuesday nite event, me and the ladies went to the moooovies and saw "The Last Kiss." Many of you know that I would give up my first born for just one nite with Zach Braff (because I know after one night with me he'd want many many many many more), and I have to say that after the movie last nite, I would also give up my first born for the opportunity to murder Rachel Bilson. The movie was not that great (Garden State is way better...and the soundtrack to Garden State is way better), and it made me long for the return of Scrubs in January. Luckily, both Comedy Central and WGN have finally gotten on the wagon and started syndicating the show, meaning I can get me some J.D. four times a nite, five nites a week. Booya!! In celebration, here is one of my top three all time favorite scenes from Scrubs (though Zach isn't in it, I will say that Roomie and I probably watched this scene about 100 times and it never ceases to amaze):



Also, please note the woman asleep on the couch in the background. Hilarious.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I just can't do it captain! I don't have the power!

OUSucks lost this weekend. Actually pretty much everyone in the Big 12 lost, but that's besides the point. OUSucks lost and apparently they shouldn't have.

To set the scene: we're at the local watering hole watching the Texas game when a slight roar goes up behind us. Heads turn, and it is realized that OU has relinquished a 13/14 pt lead with 110 seconds less. Ramon, standing next to me, says, "No! No! This is bad! We need OU to win for the strength of schedule."

That's qwite the dilemma, and it's one that seems to come up during pre-conference and bowl season every year. My solution: I don't give a huckleberry; I cannot cheer for OU to win. I can't do it. Even three years ago when OU was losing the Big 12 Championship Game to Kansas State, a loss that ended up knocking us out of a BCS game but not OU out of the National Championship Game, I had a hard time until late in the game actually willing the Sooners to do SOMETHING! DO ANYTHING! (as an aside, I did not have a hard time getting myself drunk afterwards...one is only the lonliest number when you don't have vodka). The same goes here, though obviously on a much smaller scale. I'd rather us help ourselves then have to cheer for a Sooner victory.

Ramon later told me that we didn't have to root FOR the Sooners...we could have just not rooted against them. But ultimately, if we're not in the stadium does it really matter? I mean me yelling at the TV screen or not yelling at the TV screen...last I heard, they'll never know, right?

In that case, it's 11:22 and OU STILL SUCKS

And while we're on the topic of sucking, I was all amped up tonite to watch the premiere of the new NBC show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (which was not as great as one would hope, but good nonetheless). Anyways, thinking the show started at 9, I flip over to NBC a few minutes early, and what I discovered there was not pretty. Deal or No Deal.

Are you kidding me with this show? Really? Really, America? Seriously? There is pretty much nothing I've ever seen that's dumber...and remember: I watch Flavor of Love. Religiously. It requires no skill, no logic, no smarts, no nothing. The guy I was watching picked a case and his family says, "Did you really think about 19 or are you just picking at random?" Um, ma'am, if you really think that him really thinking about the case makes a dang bit of difference, then I hope you take your money and go see a psychic.

Howie Mandell just makes it worse. There is a new crop of bald freaky men out there right now, and if this is what the future looks like, then pass me the cyanide pills now. (sorry, bad experience with the baldies).

Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Return of the Mack

The winning resumes today. And not soon enough.

People have been talking about this day of football for months. Roomie just came down the hall and said "What's the big game today?" The easier question is what isn't the big game today (the answer: Syracuse/Illinois). I've got a fridge full of beer to get me through the early part of the day before hitting Rhodeside.

As much as I love Saturdays in the fall, Saturday morning's are a different story. I always seem to face the same dilemmas: should I sleep in, or should I get up and watch Gameday? If I'm going to watch Gameday, should I watch it at home or should I go to the gym? If I'm going to watch it at home, should I go get a bagel and/or coffee? If I'm going to get a bagel should I go to the good place or go to Cosi? If I'm going to leave, should I DVR Gameday, or just settle for missing some of it?

Now my head hurts. Maybe I should go get coffee to make me feel better. Should I got 7-11 or to...After spending a week trying to not read that much about Texas because I was avoiding reading about last week's game, I just had to remind myself that we play today. It's the return of Major. Would you like to hear a story about Major? I have a couple, but this one involves me which makes it more important.

At Major's last home game, on his last series, he threw a touchdown to someone (I'm guessing Roy). In usual celebration mode, I start slapping high fives and am turned around. Before I know what's happened, I see a guy two rows behind me catch a football, and I'm like "what the hell?" I turn around and see Major standing there cheering, and the crowd is going nuts. Apparently after the touchdown, he ran over, took the ball from Roy, and threw it into the
crowd...and I could have almost sort of caught it if I hadn't been turned around...not to mention I'd missed one of the coolest moments ever.

Needless to say, I'm still a reckless high-fiver. Oh well.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

She could crush your skull

What's most interesting about this picture is that she was old and still managed not to break her hip. Truly, an inspiration.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Come on baby...

The great fires of Columbus, OH are old news now, but still, they've had me thinking: why would anyone burn a perfectly good sofa? Until I bought my new tv, my sofa was my most prized possession. It's not particularly comfy or pretty to look at; but it fits me like a glove, and on any given Mon/Tues/Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat nite, Roomie knew she could come home and find me drunk and asleep on it. The only house rule we have: no sex on the couch.

Having said all that, I can (sort of) understand why something would make you so very happy that you'd want to run into the streets and start burning. Something like that will probably never happen here in D.C., where our sports teams are usually about as successful as I am with the menfolk (sure, once in awhile the Wizards make the playoffs, but usually they're eliminated before anyone gets off...so to speak). But should the masses ever start marching our direction, here are some things I'd rather see burned:

-the entire state of Oklahoma
-Jai from "Queer Eye"
-Aaron Harris
-CBS
-American Idol
-Brady Quinn
-my current job
-guys wearing shirts with stretched out collars
-cover letters
-Reggie Bush
-the movie Titanic
-Texas basketball's black jerseys
-the entire state of Oklahoma (yes, I realize I've written that twice)
-the first-ever episode of "Sex and the City"
-people who call the above "Sex in the City"
-MySpace
-Jeffrey from "Project Runway"
-Sushi Go-Round
-Nancy & Despair
-being sober
-your face

Over the course of writing this, Roomie's blackberry buzzed informing her (and me) that former Texas governor Ann Richards has died. I loved Ann Richards. I loved Ann Richards before I knew anything about anyone, especially feminism and politics. But I somehow still knew and could tell that Ann was the shit, and subsequently, she never apologized for being tough as shit. When I found out she opened the NYC office of Public Strategies, I wanted nothing more than to work there with and for her. I only met her once; just a handshake. But she left a major handprint on my life and who I've become. It's a sad day.

Anyways, sometimes a girl's gotta get a little serious. Fart and poop jokes are in your future, I promise.

This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children

This has nothing to do with football or Texas or anything. But it's hilarious.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

You Stay Classy Columbus, Ohio


Those Buckeyes really could teach us all a thing or two about what being a fan is all about. I mean, why celebrate a big road victory by drinking your way through town...or taking to the streets en masse and honking your horn and cheering? Where's the fun and destruction in that?

Lee Corso has a baby arm

Kacie mentioned this sign to me when we got back from the game, and I found the picture on deadspin this morning. I gotta give major props for both creativity and ingenuity in getting a sign into the stadium. For further information on this condition that afflicts 1.2 percent of the male population, click here.

I got back from Texas about an hour ago. I wore my 2005 Natl. Champions t-shirt the whole way, and I did my crossword puzzle with my 2005 Natl. Champions pen. People made comments. A flight attendant served me "Ohio State red" tomato juice. A man said "maybe next year." Another lady said "bet you had a good time Saturday nite." To all of them I politely nodded and willed lightening to strike their homes. As was said by one of the idiots behind me on Saturday, win or lose, I'm still a longhorn. Burnt Orange: THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!!!

(actually, they do run...quite well...which is why I'm a little curious we didnt run MORE on Saturday. But I digress).

I'm going to go back to making an attempt at sleep. More trip details and anecdotes later.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Win or lose, I'm still a Longhorn

It's been 24 hours, and the loss is just now hitting me (the loss of FTP too). I felt off all day. It may have been because I was hungover like a MOFO for most of the day, but it was more than that. I just felt off. Obviously the turning point in the game was Billy Pittman's fumble on the 2-yard-line. The crowd never fully recovered after that, and neither did the team. We missed the shit out of Tarrell Brown...their wide receivers were wide the f open all day long. UGH!!! I feel like I have tourettes because every now and then I just yell: "FUCK!"

I would feel worse if we had been blown out (Hello Penn State!) or had been in a close game and then lost in a heartbreaker. So overall, we lost to the #1 team and dropped to #8. Not too shabby. My life won't end. It'll just be a little sad for a few days. Maybe a lot sad.

FUCK!

Onto another topic...there has been some discussion regarding the title of this blog. Here is the answer.

No: He-Is-Girl
Yes: Heis-girl (as in not HeisMAN, but HeisGIRL)

It's okay if you were confused; my humor is quite advanced. More later when I'm back in DCizzle. FOr now I need to call in sick.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

On Our Way

This afternoon, FTP and I are rolling out of the DCizzle en route to ATX.
She's starting a job and I need to be at the Ohio State game. The other day
I was thinking about the game last year and our national title and all that
jazz-izzle, and suddenly I found myself all worked up about how Texas still
gets no respect. We were number two all of last year because everyone felt
that until USC lost they were the champs and had earned that big fat #1 next
to their name. I agree. For 30+ days before the Rose Bowl we heard alllllll
about how they were the greatest thing since white bread (that's not racial
humor). On Jan. 4, we beat 'em and became #1. Correction: we became #1 for
about two weeks until Vince announced he was leaving, at which point all the
preseason polls put Ohio State and Notre Dame at the top.

WTF? I mean seriously....O-M-G.

We ARE the champions. Yet here I sit, 3.5 days from the second Texas/OSU
showdown, and again, we're #2. I hope that really pisses off my boys, and I
hope they go out on Saturday nite and remind the country and the critics
that...yeah that's right...We ARE the champions.

As far as the Tarrell Brown situation goes, I like what Chizik said:
"That's what's so great about working at Texas...we have great depth."
Initially, when the news hit, I was a firm "hell no" they should not play.
The more I hear, the more I think they should. People in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones, and who among us has not woken up with a gun in our
lap. I mean...[Gob]Come On![Gob]. But Mack needed to set an example, which I
appreciate, and at least they have all week to make the adjustments. I'd
really like Aaron Harris's head on a platter right now. Maybe on the end of
yellow tongs to dip into some fondue. Just saying.

And with that I'm outta here. Glasses on, Peace out.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

If you're gonna run to the store, would you mind bringing sexy back?

I just took a deep breath. It's here.

I love Saturdays (without weddings) in the fall. Overall I've had one of the best weekends I could have asked for...and my ass still aint gotta go to work tomorrow. Booya! I'm not sure where even to begin. As previously mentioned, a tropical storm blew through town on Friday nite, and at 8 p.m., while watching the Ohio State game from last year, my power went out. All of my power, that is, except for the outlets in my kitchen (meaning i had microwave, stove, fridge, toaster, foreman...everything a girl could need). The posse and I loaded up our 48 beers and went over to the attorney's house to watch the rose bowl, which we did. And surprise, we won. Again. I had forgotten how the shit my boy David Thomas was in that game.

Take THAT Ernesto! All a girl needs is a granny cart and an umbrella, and the party continues!

Anyways, gameday we started off with some bloodys, the bear did my fantasy football picks, and then headed to Rhodeside Grill an hour-and-a-half before kickoff so as to be sure to get my table. We did, and the best part is that they added a 33 inch HD flat screen to the wall at my table. The owner walked by and I expressed my joy at that addition, and he said, "we put that in here just for you." NOw, I realize he probably meant "for you, the Texas Exes." But in my head he meant "FOR ME! STEEZY!" I really can't imagine a better place to watch the games than Rhodeside (besides DKR of course). They've done some serious work from last season (when even then it was pretty much awesome)...all the wait staff had on Texas shirts, and they played the fight song and the eyes when appropriate. Probably my favorite part is that I know everybody there. 250-300 people and I know EVERYBODY. If I don't know them, then they know me. If they don't know me, they want to know me. It's so much G-D fun!

My thoughts on our team: Colt looks solid. Defense looks solid. With the kind of offensive weapons we have (Limas, Billy, Chuckles, S-L Young, etc) we dont need Colt to be spectacular; we just need him to play smart, and get the ball in the right hands. I wont lie that I'm a little concerned about next week, just because OSU's offense looked sick yesterday. HOWEVER I believe in Colt McCoy (TUSCOLA TEXAS!!!). Next week is gonna be hella fun.

And I'll be damned if OUSucks didn't almost lose their opener for the second straight year!! Quote of the day from Deadspin: "Rhett Bomar was very effective in sweeping up Section 108 after everyone had left." Haha...Bomar is a janitor. It's funny cuz it's true. The only thing that's actually funnier is that the "new era" at Colorado began with a loss to a Div. II team. Oh, I'm sorry, is that not funny? Let me re-phrase: they lost to a Div. II team from MONTANA! A Div. II in Texas or Florida is at least minorly forgiveable (not really, but I'm trying).

One last thing for now (I'll probably have more to say tomorry once I read what the analysts tell me I should say). I used to loooooooove the intro video they showed before the horns came out the tunnel. A lot of people didn't like it, but I did, and that's ultimately what matters to Texas Athletics: keeping Steez happy. Anyways, Sass has reported that it shanged slightly with the installation of the new Gigandorboard (I refuse to call it Godzillatron, because it's gone too mainstream now). As I was trolling about on Hornfans, I found (after many fruitless searches) a link to the video! It doesnt have the same effect as being in the stadium with 82K dancing and jumping and screaming. Even better, after the intro clip, is a highlight reel with an original tune attached. So enjoy it, and thank you internet football video gods (it's too big a file to post, sorry):

Link here, scroll down to team highlights. It's the file called "one last look" and you have to right click-->save as. Sorry for the hoops jerks!

Friday, September 01, 2006

18 Hours and counting

Booya! I caint wait! Apparently neither can mother nature. A suave latino named Ernesto is moving through my fair city dumping buckets of rain. Luckily, it is expected that he will have finished his bizness by the time the game starts so as not to interfere with the satelite at my local watering hole. In celebration of his arrival, Sally, FTP and the Bear are coming over tonite to dump buckets of Miller Light and watch last year's Rose Bowl & Ohio State games.

For your amusement and non-Miller Lite fueled merriment, I also give you this link, courtesy of FattyDave, your friendly neighborhood attorney. Like a good neighbor, FattyDave is there.


<--Ernesto